Struggling with husband’s BPD

[toothmom]

Hi Everyone. My husband was diagnosed about a year or so ago with BPD. It’s been a challenge since we got married, but more so after having our son. I think the criticism that I give him when it comes to parenting really wrecks havoc (guilty). Anyways, he started off going to therapy and taking antidepressants but has not been to therapy for about 8 months now and is starting to think he might be on the wrong medication. He says he won’t go back to therapy until I see someone. I mean, I know I’m a brat, but as far as I know, I don’t think I have any sort of mental or personality disorder. I’m having a really hard time. We have an amazing son who is three, a baby due in October, and just bought a new home. We are stressed now and I know it’s just going to escalate with another baby in the mix and my husbands busy season approaching. I just need some support. No one understands. He told me tonight that he never wants to talk to me about his BPD again. Any advice is appreciated. Thanks!

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Radcliff]

This is a great place to come for support.  Adding kids to the family can be tough.  One factor that can be hard for pwBPD to handle is that kids are inherently invalidating -- they're pretty insensitive to his feelings and needs.  Validation of his feelings is a great tool to use to help make him feel safer.  It can work wonders, even if you disagree with him -- you can validate the feelings and show empathy since feelings are always valid regardless of disagreement in other parts of the conversation.  To learn more about boundaries, you might want to visit this page on setting boundaries.  

Regarding the therapist, I spend decades in a BPD relationship thinking that I had my stuff together and she was the one with the issues.  Everyone's got stuff, even if they don't have a personality disorder, and our stuff interacts with our partner's stuff.  You said you needed support.  A good support system is diverse, with many kinds of support.  A therapist can be a great element in a support system, giving you validation as well as helping you gain insight into your part in the relationship dynamic.  Try to think of the therapist as a consultant for someone trying to attain peak performance, not a doctor for someone in dire need.  If you went, it could also help level the playing field and prevent your partner from feeling that you think you're somehow "better" than him.  What are your thoughts on that?

RC

[Witz_End]

I'm new here myself and I feel ya.  It is a tough road for sure.

Something I am learning here, though, is that managing being in a relationship with a pwBPD does require a lot of self-work and self-adjustment.  Adjustment in how we tailor what we do and adjustment in how we insulate ourselves from the damage that BPD can do.  It's pretty darn stressful, isn't it?

And a big thing is, it doesn't feel fair in a lot of ways.  Dealing with a BPD partner can feel extremely unfair... but, the first thought I have to keep that in check is that she does not realize she is being unfair, nor is she choosing to be unfair.  It's not her... it's the illness.  If she had a disease that crippled her, would I feel it so unfair to expect me to lift her our of bed in the morning and adjust my life to care for her?

It's actually a blessing that he's in therapy!  Many don't make it there.  Would it be worth it to keep him in therapy?

[toothmom]

Hi RC,

I’m not sure how to respond to your post, but Thank you for your informative reply. I listened to Walking on Eggshells and I remember learning about setting boundaries, but I do need to further inform myself and put it into practice.  Thank you for the reminder.

I also appreciate the advice regarding therapy. You put it into a different perspective than I have considered, so thank you. If anything, it’ll help right? Looks like I’m just going to have to make time for it!

TM

[toothmom]

Witz End,

Thank you for the perspective! I know it totally seems unfair, but I am completely willing to make some adjustments because I do want this marriage to work. I am glad to have this support group because you all “get it” more than when I chat with my close friends. Plus, I always feel like I’m talking bad about my H when I talk to them, and I don’t like to do that.

I like how you reminded me of if this were a physical illness, I’d of course make adjustments to my life. I’ve thought about this before, but this concept has gone away. Thank you for that reminder. It makes perfect sense!

Unfortunately, my husband doesn’t want to go back to therapy. He went for about 3 months and gave up. Any advice on how to encourage therapy when he doesn’t want to hear from me about it anymore?

Thanks again,
TM

[Witz_End]

Unfortunately, my husband doesn’t want to go back to therapy. He went for about 3 months and gave up. Any advice on how to encourage therapy when he doesn’t want to hear from me about it anymore?

Well, you're talking to someone who has no idea what will work to get his own wife into therapy, so I wouldn't be a good person to say.  But, how much of his resistance and not wanting to hear more about relates to A. his ultimatum that he needs to see you go to therapy too, and B. his current moods, emotions, splitting, dysregulation or whatever I'd going on?

You mentioned not wanting to badmouth him to friends.  Not only do I applaud your loyalty there, but I get it.  I stopped talking to friends years ago long before this most recent realization (BPD) because, even as I was, I was always sensitive to the fact it may shape their opinion of her.  It's hard for people who care to hear these things and stay balanced.  In contrast, there are many people here who realize that there can be an absolutely wonderful person when you take away the BPD and that it is not as simple as "he does x, y and z... so, he's no good and you should leave."

The tough irony for me there is that she does not hold that same standard.  When she is dysregulated, she will tell people that I'm an a-ho and was so manipulative as to do this or that that she perceived as manipulation, etc etc etc.  But, I can not control that.  I could hold it against her and sometimes grit my teeth and vent about it, but ultimately it's the BPD talking.

[Radcliff]

Glad I didn't scare you off with the hard sell on therapy ;)  I paused for a second, because I know you've got to be incredibly busy with two small ones, but the thing that tipped it for me was remembering how easy it is to keep giving to others and neglect one's own well being when raising kids and in a relationship with a pwBPD.  It can take a few tries to find the right therapist, so one way to look at it is to schedule a few intro visits with candidates and spend some time introducing your situation and asking them what you might get out of therapy and how they'd approach it.  The point being to make the hurdle low -- if you go to see someone, it's an exploration, not a commitment to visiting the first person you see long term.

Understanding of life with a pwBPD, compassion for our pwBPD, combined with dedication to teaching the tools are things that are carefully cultivated on this site and make it stand out.  Those are things that kept me coming back as well.  Glad you've found them to be true, too!

Regarding getting a pwBPD into therapy, it's a long-term play, limited by the fact that we really have no control over someone else's actions.  Take a look at this link on how to get a borderline into therapy.

Congratulations on the baby!  Stress can magnify BPD issues.  Are there any opportunities to lower the overall stress on your family in the next few months?

RC