Best Tools for Addressing Problems

[hopeful1073]

I am interested in hearing about best practices for addressing challenges that arise with a bpd loved one. How do you go about raising the issue so that the behavior does not go unchecked but at the same time supporting them in how they process and react to what they have done?

One of the issues me and my partner regularly have relates to his desire to spend money without considering my burden and the credit card debt we are carrying. (I provide 100% of the support for both of us; he does not work.) He clearly gets gratification from making unnecessary purchases and giving money to others and he does not want to be confronted about any of it or to discuss it with me in advance. This results in him lying or withholding information even though he knows I eventually will find out. It has been a bad pattern for many, many months now, even with me putting in place certain safeguards to prevent his spending.  (I have to control the credit card I gave him for use because he otherwise runs up the balance.)

Here is a concrete example. A couple of days ago, he told me that he wanted to buy groceries and cleaning supplies for his apartment. We agreed on buying groceries and discussed limiting this visit's purchases to around $75. He also agreed to send me the receipt. (Due to past behavior - buying visa gift cards regularly when "grocery" shopping so he could give them away to other people without my knowledge, he is supposed to send me receipts.) Of course, he did not send me the receipt and I had to press for it. This ultimately led to him fessing up, a couple of days later, that he did not buy any groceries - he used the entire $75 to buy school supplies for a friend's children because it was a "crisis." So, not only did he lie to me about the situation and violate the system I put in place to reign in spending, he put himself in a position where he has no food.

I am a very generous and giving person, but one of the things we have discussed repeatedly is that I am not in the position to give his "friends" support when I cannot pay off our credit card bills every month because of his other spending habits. Giving money/support to others is very important to him because it makes him feel good - he receives very positive reactions from the people he helps. The issue, however, is that I cannot afford it.

It is very tiring to have to pry information out of him when he clearly is doing something behind my back - not sending me the receipt was a dead giveaway. It also is maddening to be told as an excuse that he knew I would eventually find out so it is different than really lying. (This type of "logic" just kills me because he is a very intelligent person who knows that it does not make sense.)

So, what would be the best way to address this issue - in the first instance when he would not send me the receipt (maybe he is doing this on purpose to get a rise out of me?); and then in dealing with the situation he created (not having any food).  Thanks in advance.

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[Ozzie101]

Hi, hopeful!

That is a tricky situation. If you don't mind my asking, just for clarity and so we can understand the circumstances, why is it you're providing 100% of his support? Am I correct in reading that you don't live together?

[hopeful1073]

Thanks for the inquiry.;

Yes, you are correct.  We do not live together.  The plan was that I would eventually leave my job and relocate to where he is.  In light of how things have been, however, I have not been willing to do that.  I have a very good job and to move with so many things up in the air just does not seem like a wise thing for me to do.  If he progresses in therapy and becomes more stable, I then would consider it, but we are nowhere near that point now.

I support him 100% because he essentially fell apart after his mom died, lost his job, started a new one only to abruptly quit a couple of months later.  That was a little over a year ago and he has not worked since.  I have spent a lot of time trying to get back into the workforce and he has found every reason not to do it even when he agrees that it is time for him to go back.  He recently started seeing a therapist experienced in DBT and hopefully will begin DBT courses soon and I hoping the therapist will help him navigate those issues so he is not hearing it from me.  (Although he told me recently that she said he is not capable of working right now.  I do not know if that is true.)

I was very supportive and giving especially when it came to providing finances for therapy.  I let him choose his own programs/therapists last summer (before we realized it was likely bipolar/bpd) and he sabotaged every one.  I then made an ultimatum - which I know if not always the wisest thing to do - either start seeing a psychiatrist and take medication if prescribed or I am gone.  He finally took those steps, and that improved his mania, but other issues (the bpd issues) then really started to rear its head.  (It seemed as if once the mania was tamped down, the bpd issues became prominent.  I do not know if others have had that experience, but that is when the raging began.  He never raged before that.)  Once bpd started to kick in full gear, the idea of going back to work was derailed.

Still working on this issue - trying to set boundaries regarding spending and he, in turn, is trying to punish me for them.  He just did it tonight.  He wanted to buy more cigarettes and alcohol after buying those same items yesterday and I said no because he had already spent X amount this week on those things.  He accused me of being in a bad mood and trying to start a fight.  I told him I was sorry that it is frustrating for him to not be able to spend money whenever he feels the impulse, but I cannot afford his habits without limitations.  He then told me there was nothing to discuss and hung up on me.

The money issue is a tough one for him.  He likes to spend impulsively, he likes to give money away to feel good, so all of the things I say about budgeting/cutting back go in one ear and out the other.  And while it may come across on too controlling, I can no longer let him create financial problems for me.  I have reached that place where I am finally saying enough is enough.

Thanks for listening.

[Ozzie101]

I'm not surprised that he's reluctant and resistant to getting a job. Why should he? He's got you to foot the bill. It was nice of you to support him after he had so many crises so close together. But, in my opinion, this dynamic is not healthy or sustainable for either one of you.

It's wise of you not to uproot your life and give up a good job given the current situation.

It sounds to me like you need boundaries. Firm ones. And a set plan for him getting back on his feet. If he genuinely cannot work, then he may be eligible for disability. Has that been looked into? But if the "I'm not able to work" is a smokescreen, then he really needs to be moved onto the road of self-sufficiency.

Have you given any thought to setting up a plan to getting him off your payroll? Especially if he's spending your money in ways of which you don't approve. It's not controlling of you to set limits on YOUR money. As difficult as it may be, he needs to feel the consequences of his actions.

[once removed]

BPD impulsivity can drive you nuts 

its a fine line between enabling and reacting in a punitive way. we can even do both at the same time. realistic expectations play a role too - people with BPD dont have the adult skills to "get their  together", so to speak.

Still working on this issue - trying to set boundaries regarding spending and he, in turn, is trying to punish me for them.

it sounds like thats what youre running into. it happens when we try to gain control of an out of control situation. boundaries are successful more as a lifestyle approach than a take back control one.

have you tried positive reinforcement? it involves limits in a positive way: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=103822.0

[JerichoJax]

So similar situation on the job front.  He did work however would quit at the drop of a hat if he didn't feel appreciated, was disrespected, etc.  He loved taking 100% commission jobs which ended up costing more than what he made.  He used to go out with friends to happy hour and various bars which was fine except I had two issues.  First was he never wanted to do anything as a couple and second he loved to buy rounds and shots for people.  His average bar bill each night he went out was at least $80.  When you add in the weed, cigarettes and pot on average a month he was spending $1,200.

Here is the thing anytime he decided to put serious effort into his career that is when he would end the relationship.  This happened three times and we are on our third breakup which will probably be permanent given his apathy towards me this time. 

Anyway I have heard the I am going to go to therapy and I will do marriage counseling to many times and it was never followed through on.  This is especially true when he was working even those 100% commission jobs because he couldn't afford to have therapy create issues with the job. 

I guess my advice is decide what you want because it may end up being if you try to make him work in a way to support himself he may just walk.  It could be he will see you doing that as being a form of abandonment.  I am pretty sure that is what happened in our situation ... he became aware that not working was creating a financial hardship so he decided he would try to go it alone to prove to himself he could do it.  I also suspect at one time he may have thought that after he got himself financially righted he would return however the apathy tells me if that was a consideration it no longer is.