Does all the change have to come from me?

[Harper(n)]

Hi Bettering boardies,
I have a high-functioning uBPDh. We have lots of problems around managing emotions and expectations, and long story short it has resulted in my losing the love I once had for him...but not the wish for it. Intermittent reinforcement is indeed powerful.

Almost everything I have read, plus my own experience, suggests that he is not going to change. It feels like I have to do all the work, which includes accepting the situation and him, setting and maintaining boundaries, accommodating and going out of my way to validate him, trying to prevent/undo emotional damage to s12, accepting that I will never receive any validation from him and frequent invalidation, etc.

I’ve read Codependent No More, Stop Walking on Eggshells, and many books on BPD, validation, etc. I’ve read all the Lessons on this site. I’ve tried to put a lot of things into practice. And it’s exhausting and draining. Things have maybe improved a tiny bit, but they’re still so sub-par. (When s12 was a colicky infant, pediatrician commented “that’s suboptimal joy”, and that phrase sure applies to my marriage, too).

I guess I’m just sad and feeling like if I do the heavy lifting for the rest of my life, it might make things a little better, but not great. Meanwhile, he’ll continue to think there’s nothing wrong with him, except that I don’t love him enough and s12 doesn’t appreciate everything he does for him enough.

I’ve never imagined such emotionally backward and invalidating parenting—from someone who means well. I haven’t found a way to suggest anything different to him that doesn’t trigger him thinking I’m saying he’s a bad person and then we go off the cliff. But it hurts my heart so much to see my son hurt. 

Is this all there is?  I just try my heart out to do the helpful things learned here and from books, and the only hope is a barely noticeable movement of the needle?  How utterly depressing.

I’d  like to ask my h  to go to  individual therapy. I feel like I should suggest something for him to work on, without mentioning BPD [again - I did once; didn’t go over well].  I don’t know what behavior or pattern to ask him to work on - I want to say “learn how/why/when to validate your son’s feelings” and “learn to take responsibility for your own feelings and learn how to manage them”, but I don’t feel like those will go over well, either. He’ll just say I should stop being so critical of him. Any thoughts on this? 

Thanks

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[hopeful1073]

I am new here, so I unfortunately do not have much to offer when it comes to advice in dealing with these type of issues.  However, one of the things that I have found most difficult is feeling alone in the relationship, so I can relate to your feelings.  I am sorry to hear about your struggles.

[waverider]

Lack of ownership is one of the hardest aspects we face.  Without ownership there is no evolution.  Any changes you make are firstly to prevent your own devolution, rather than take over responsibility for his changes.

[Notwendy]

I look at it this way- any work I do on my own co-dependent tendencies - I get to keep. I am not working "on my relationship"- I am working on being the best I can be and this helps in all my relationships- spouse, kids, parents, work.

When we make a personal change, this can change the dynamics in a relationship. Your spouse may not take ownership of the changes, but when you begin to stop enabling some behaviors, they may not persist or they may get less.

It feels as if it is all on you, but you will reap benefits from your work.

[isilme]

Yes to what NotWendy said.  

You can only work on you.  Don't see things like validation and active listening and mindfulness as chores.  They will help with ALL communication in your life.  They are good skills to develop and can help with a variety of difficult people.  They are not tools to change your pwBPD.  They are not chores to engage in.  They are new mindsets to adopt to where they slowly become second nature and using them is no longer as much work.

But the way I've always seen it is like we are climbing a ladder towards improving us, getting away from the co-dependent actions and thoughts that actually feed the BPD rage cycles.  

BPD lack of boundaries and enmeshment has our pwBPD danging behind us on a bungee cord.  They bounce up and down, emotionally, as we work to climb the ladder.  Some days they are almost even with us, some days they have swung so low they are straining us to stay on our highest rung.  But we keep climbing, and the bungee drags them along with us.  They may still exist a few rungs down, but just as Wendy said, the dynamic has to change, it has to become the new "normal".  There will be push back against any change in the status quo, but be consistent in yourself and your actions, and change will happen.  As you climb, you change the dynamic, which in turn eventually (it can take weeks to see it) makes them change their behavior to adjust to your new behavior.  They see nothing to change - you are the one who is more self aware, and therefore making the changes falls on you.  But as you drag them up the ladder of emotional wellness, you are forcing them to join you a few rungs higher each time you take a step.  There is a lag in it showing, but I believe it does happen.   

This takes time.  A lifetime.  You are reprogramming decades of learned protective responses, hardwired often from before the pwBPD has conscious memory.  At some point, they perceived abandonment (notice I did not say they were abandoned), and they never developed certain coping skills because of it.

As for the parenting,   as a child who had 2 BPD parents and no place for solace, I can see how this is distressing.  It's one of many reasons I never fretted about us never having kids.  I just say be as consistent as you are able with your son, if possible (sory, can't remember the situation fully) assume as much of the parenting as you can, in spite of it being an additional load.  

I'd advise to never mention BPD to him, not in relation to him.  I can get away with mentioning it when talking about my parents, but to him, I speak words he's okay with - anxiety, depression, lack of self-esteem, anger, and see what he's willing to do to work on them.  I know in my area there is no therapy that would be particularly helpful - small, rural, far from the "city" and he won't drive on his own.  

Also, lemme put one idea out there, when we all feel we do "all" the work.  The are handicapped.  Plain and simple.  If he had no legs, no one would be surprised he can't easily mow the lawn or change lightbulbs on a ladder.  We'd acect the limitations and the extra work it means for us.

An emotional handicap I see works like this - I start out with 100 units of validation and caring for others each week.  Unless I am very ill, very taxed, I often end my week without running out, the well is sealed, secure, and doesn't leak.  It's relatively easy when I am not super sick for me to give 100 units of caring a week, doled out a little each day.  

My BPDH starts out with 40 units of caring and validation for others.  I see thsat he gives all 40 units, each week.  He gives 100%, it's just that his 100% starts out so much less than mine.  He may give it all on Sunday, and be tapped out till the next week.

I have to find ways to see the BPD and anything else he has along with it (I am starting to suspect a level of OCD, now) as a separate thing from him-himself.  A person with the flu is not the flu.  We can separate those, pretty easily.  Nor are they a fever, a sneeze, a cough, or fatigue.  They have these things, feel these things, but that can't be the sum total of the afflicted person.  

A pwBPD lives in a hell or unregulated emotions and is so confused about how to manage them they turn to us in unhealthy manners.  The more pity and empathy I can drum up, the bbetter I can keep love-killing resentment at bay.  Anger is fine, frustation is fine.  Resentment kills love, and to stay, if you want, it needs to be combatted.   I am often hurt, tired, I admit it but I want to stay and so try to find new ways to look at it all to help me do so.

[sterlingblue]

isilme,

Thank you for that beautiful post. I'm mostly a lurker here, but I needed to read that tonight. These relationships are tough sledding, and your attitude is helpful, admirable and inspiring.

All the best,
sterlingblue

[Harper(n)]

isilme and notwendy, thank you so much for your comments!  I think I have a couple questions in response; I need a little time to articulate them thoughtfully and am busy this week with work, but will post when I get a chance.

H

[lepman67]

I'm brand new here (as in this is my first post), but this headline struck me immediately. I feel this is exactly the state of mind I'm in right now...

I guess I’m just sad and feeling like if I do the heavy lifting for the rest of my life, it might make things a little better, but not great.

I'm just starting to try to make sense of my uBPDgf and how she has been treating me over our nearly two years of dating (along with being friends for much more time than that). We've officially broken up now and she's moved out, but we've been talking and started seeing each other occasionally (mostly for events that we had planned together before the dam broke on this stuff).

During our discussions about things, I too have been feeling like I'm the one that now carries the burden of getting this ship back on course. I feel like I need to be the one to constantly reaffirm and restate to provide perspective. It's feeling at the moment a bit like I've just re-categorized the exhaustion that I had from before of being directly in the fray to now being exhausted from being out of the fray and trying to get things back on track.

I don't have any particular advice here for the OP, but I did want to throw my hat in this ring to say...I feel this way too...as in...why do I have to be the one to carry the weight here?

I do appreciate what isilme said though...

Don't see things like validation and active listening and mindfulness as chores.  They will help with ALL communication in your life.  They are good skills to develop and can help with a variety of difficult people. 

I think NotWendy was alluding to this too.

I have found that I'm learning a ton about myself to throughout this whole process - and these feel like things that are probably useful understandings or tools that can be applied anywhere/anytime/with anybody. Maybe that's why I still feel some pull to stay with my pwBPD - she's helping me learn too albeit in a roundabout and difficult way. That's the only thing that makes sense to me at the moment.

[isilme]

lepman67,

Hi.  Just saw your comment and this struck me:

I too have been feeling like I'm the one that now carries the burden of getting this ship back on course

Yes. This is very true, and it's not an even split of things... but you're the one who sees the rocks and the storm ahead - she doesn't.  So you'd be the one to have to grab the wheel and navigate away from the ship capsizing.  I use the disability metaphor not to give someone with BPD a pass, not to excuse the behavior, but to see when they ARE working, that they just have limitations and if we can learn those limitations, the inevitable cycles of triggers, we are in a better to place to steer clear of the rocks. 

Holidays.  H is so triggered by travel, family, gift-giving, meal planning, exerting effort even before his body gave him a reason to have issues with it... he absolutely hates HATES travel for Thanksgiving just to turn around and go do it again in a month.  His parents are in ill health, limited mobility shut-ins who have some hoarding problems, who won't make their house comfortable for guests so I run myself ragged trying to just get it usable for us - clear the kitchen, toss old food, try to make space in the bathroom, make sure stairs have not been cleaned with furniture polish (H fell last year, they were super slippery).  This has taken a toll on me increasing each year, leading to my immune disorder diagnosis (I finally got sick enough to go to a Dr.) and H worries about me - he does it in weird BPD ways, yelling at me about how mad he is at his mom that I have to do so much work when we visit... but I step back and try to listen - is he yelling at ME?  Or is he yelling, and I am the person there to listen to him vent the only way that works for him?

Anyway, I know fall will kinda suck, and we won't get any real rest until we get back from his parents' at Christmas and finally get to enjoy being home ourselves.  So, he will be on edge, and I know there will be rocks to navigate.

Here's one thing, as far as communication - I've found all comments or texts do not warrant a response.  Or, a "yes, dear," bland non-committal response is best.  I have no need to change his mind on small things that don't matter once I realize that's the source of the growing irritation.  He fails to realize he is inconsistent, changes his favorite foods weekly, and frankly is very confusing at times.  It's a tidal wave, I try to just roll with it.  Keeping myself healthier and sleeping better is helping me - at this moment, I am in a better sport than just a few months back... but I know fall is coming, so we'll see how well the ship sails, then.

[lepman67]

isilme,

This has been a hard lesson for me to learn too:

I've found all comments or texts do not warrant a response. 

I've grown up to be kind and caring for somebody you are speaking with and to show interest in them by responding. So I tend to think I'm being polite by making a response. However, it increasingly became difficult to keep up with the constant contact while I'm at work or at some other event that is important to me when I really need to be concentrating on that thing rather than searching for a response to her. The other problem with this is I felt like it constantly increased in intensity. Not just with the frequency of the messages but with the content. She would escalate from simple "how's it going?" type check ins to massive life questions like "where do you see us in 5 years?" type questions or sometimes I can tell she was trying to extract humor from me so it feels like I have to have the creative mind of a stand-up comic... All of this in the course of one day. That's an enormous pressure on one person!