Advice regarding third parties who feed into BP's fears

[Esther777]

My partner comes from a very dysfunctional family. Since almost the beginning of our relationship he has feared I would cheat or abandon him. Which I'm dealing with the best I can. But it has come to my attention that his family, primarily his sister spies on my social media and takes anything from a heart react from a man (usually a random guy I don't even know/am not friends with) to pictures I post, and then goes back to him and reinforces his fears by warning him about me. I have tried blocking his family but they make new accounts and spy on me that way, passing along screen shots to his mother (who I believe to have NPD and who has thrown tantrums about me on his fb) and their mutual friends who then also warn him about me. I can even update my profile picture or react to male friends' compliments on my writing without them feeding his fears. I can't comment on his posts or even have him acknowledge our relationship much on social media without his mom raging. I don't want to block myself off to the world and become private. But I'm also so drained by this that I have found myself retreating, have even made a new profile with only three male friends he approves of because they're gay.

I can't talk to him about his fears and validate them without agreeing and ease his mind a bit. He'll be making progress and then he let's them back into his life and just completely reverts and it feels like it was all for nothing. I dont know how to talk to him about any of it. Every time his family comes up he gets defensive, walls go up, he starts splitting and projecting. I'm guess this is based in his insecurity and some shame/guilt that he doesn't feel he can protect the relationship as well as his fears about being abandoned being reinforced. I'm pretty sure his fear of abandonment began with his mom and he still very much tried to please her so she won't leave him or give him the silent treatment. I'm really at a loss on what to do. If it was just him I had to deal with, it would be so much easier.

He starts DBT soon and I'm hoping it helps him deal with his dysfunctional family and set boundaries with them but in the meantime this is really hard.

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[Witz_End]

This must be very tough for you.  I imagine you feel really suppressed and that strong sense of walking on eggshells, even in your own life on facebook.

It is great that he is going into DBT and hopefully that will help!  I assume this means he was diagnosed and accepted the therapy?  How willing is he there?

Have there been periods in recent history that he did do things to nudge his family out of interference?  The reason I ask is this...

If so, perhaps a positive approach would help.  I hear he gets defensive and cuts off your ability to express how their interference playing into his suspiciousness makes you feel.  But, is there a positive angle where every so often, during a time when things are more even keeled or positive in tone, you can say something like, "Remember that time you stood up for me with your family?  It made me feel so valued and so loved.  It showed how much you appreciate how true I am to you and this relationship."

Can you find a way where an angle like that may work?  It bypasses any sense of criticism that triggers guilt/shame, emphasizing the positive to encourage more of the positive behavior.  Of course, it only works if you can legitimately find examples to be able to use.

Really, you have a right to be able to interact with people and have friendships, online and in person.  You have a right to not fear his family's business and interference.  In a healthy marriage, it should be a priority to him to preserve that and tell his family to lay off their shenanigans.

Unfortunately, he is a product of that dysfunction and their interference is a continuation of what he grew up in.  You've unfortunately been pulled into that and it can be really difficult to extricate yourself from it when you are placed at the center.  His reaction makes it difficult to draw boundaries, though perhaps someone will chime in with a way you can.

[Radcliff]

Let me join Witz_End in welcoming you.  Can you tell us more about your relationship?  How long have you been seeing each other?  Do you live together?

RC