freshly broken up...wounded

[bellatarr]

I was with my non-diagnosed pwBPD girlfriend (now ex...I believe) for almost a year. Just ended...or so it appears. It was my second relationship w/ a BPD girlfriend. The first was the real deal- even told me on our first date. That was 9 years ago. That one had all the traditional trademarks; Lying, impulsive, manipulative, tragic, dark...always the victim, very sexually active, cut herself at a young age. This new one snuck into my life. Met her on social media - but it was 4 months before she actually messaged me. When she did, it was benign and harmless, then turned flirty, and by our 4th date we were intimate. She lived an hour and a half away, but family had a summer home near me, so we hung out a lot when she was down near me. She always scoffed at me coming up to visit her in her home town- which I thought was odd. But there were many red flags for sure; she was 46, lived at home with elderly parents; couldn't hold down a job; never married. Very dark...hopeless...loss of self. Played the victim. Also played me for a fool. I was hooked pretty fast. Intoxicated by her beauty, the sex, the allure, the mystery. But she was full of secrets, and never revealed much. When she did, she told me of her bout of cancer (10 years remission), she told me of how people had smeared her name in an industry where she couldn't get work. She told me she was victim of sex abuse in the same industry ( more than 10 years ago) She also told me she was seeing a therapist, but would not tell me what she was being treated for. In the beginning- she would text flirty texts, then I would respond, then she would disappear for hours. This always hurt. I would take it personally. The first six months were good- but tricky. When we were in person on dates, things were almost always good. When she went back home- the games started. She would carefully manipulate me on the phone. There were also times when she would basically disappear...saying "she needed a hiatus"...like taking a time out. A friend I know that knows her for a little while longer than I, said she was like that when he met her. No job, trying to figure out her life, her next move, unhappy at home. 
 We did have one big falling out last summer, but I was able to get her back. She made me feel like I had done her wrong. Truth was, I was beatup by her antics even back then.
The last 6 months were brutal. She held down a job, but nothing arduous, and she ended up quitting. Then she accused me of lying, would tell me things like I can follow your photos via Metadata- and insisted I was lying all the time, when I never lied once. The fights then started to get bad- her mood swings were more prevalent. She would go hot to cold in a matter of minutes. She would talk over me, hang up on me,  had me thinking I was the one in the wrong, had me thinking I was going crazy. I would trace back our texts, and finally I had to store the texts off my phone. As it got deeper, I always felt like I had one foot in the door, one out. There were numerous times when I felt like bailing out, wrote up emails that were never sent.  I knew it was toxic, but never left. We had another falling out last Christmas, then we got back together. The abuse continued. One night in NYC, she started a fight over something so small- so benign, it was almost childish. She was yelling so loud, the bellhop had to knock on our door. I basically kicked her out, then we talked it through, and the entire next day she apologized for treating me so poorly. But it didn't end there. We would only see each other once a month, but during the spring would talk almost daily. So, making our way towards this summer, she again accused me of lying, but couldn't cite about what. She would also write long elaborate emails- verbal diarrhea of how I'm to blame. I know this post has gone on and on, but I really need you people, I really need support, and I really need closure. So, last saw her in June. Before I saw her, she told me she needed space. When I saw her- we were intimate, but it was lacking. She went on a 3 week trip with her family overseas. During that time, she texted, told me she missed me "miss u- see you soon". I of course told her I missed her as well. So she gets back last week, "too tired to talk", then I tried to call the next day. I know some of this is going to sound stupid, but here it goes. The next night, out of the blue, she click "heart" on a photo of us on FB. Two hours later, she removed the heart. Later on, I tried to call her, she didn't answer. Early that morning, she removed several hearts on texts that I sent her - and it notified me on my iPhone. When I questioned her about this via text, she basically ignored it, said "we'll talk soon". So I go out of town last weekend, and out of the blue- she blocks me on FB & my phone number. No explanation whatsoever. Can anyone help me out here? I had blocked her in the past- after fights, sort of to protect myself, but then we would work it out. I haven't heard from her in a week, and I assume it's over. It hurts, but boy was it toxic. I see a Psychologist & a Psychiatrist. I have told them everything I have told you, and even more. Both have told me she appears to have BPD, and to stay far away. I go go more into specifics it anyone needs more info. Thnx again for taking the time to read. I am worn out. 

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[2020]

Hello bellatarr,

I am guessing your name here is a nod to the movie director? If so, you certainly have refined taste in cinema!

I am sorry you are in this situation right now. I too have fallen for the woman of my dreams (with BPD). It isn't an easy path to tread. What you are describing is very familiar to me. I am quite new to this condition and there will be others here who will be able to give you practical advice on how best to proceed. You will find wonderful support here. I have a 'hurt' partner lurking in the background here today so I am limited in the time I have to reply just now. I did read your post and wanted to welcome you and let you know that you are not alone. I am certain you will get some good responses shortly. Hang in there!

[bellatarr]

It is a nod to the film director indeed. Thank you for responding. I feel like I have come to the right place, and look forward to hearing input, and doing some soul searching indeed.

[bellatarr]

I was with my non-diagnosed pwBPD girlfriend (now ex...I believe) for almost a year. Just ended...or so it appears. It was my second relationship w/ a BPD girlfriend.
The first was the real deal- even told me on our first date. That was 9 years ago. That one had all the traditional trademarks; Lying, impulsive, manipulative, tragic, dark...always the victim, very sexually active, cut herself at a young age. This new one snuck into my life. Met her on social media - but it was 4 months before she actually messaged me. When she did, it was benign and harmless, then turned flirty, and by our 4th date we were intimate.

She lived an hour and a half away, but family had a summer home near me, so we hung out a lot when she was down near me. She always scoffed at me coming up to visit her in her home town- which I thought was odd. But there were many red flags for sure; she was 46, lived at home with elderly parents; couldn't hold down a job; never married. Very dark...hopeless...loss of self. Never answered the phone. Her voicemail was ALWAYS full...even to this day. She always played the victim. She was obsessed with her health. She had ADHD; would spend hours online looking up things. She was very attractive, articulate, very smart, very alluring and very creative.  But, she played me for a fool. I was hooked very fast.

Intoxicated by her beauty, the sex, the allure, the mystery. But she was full of secrets, and never revealed much. When she did, she told me of her bout of cancer (10 years remission), she told me of how people had smeared her name in an industry where she couldn't get work. She told me she was victim of sex abuse in the same industry ( more than 10 years ago)
She also told me she was seeing a therapist, but would not tell me what she was being treated for. In the beginning- she would text flirty texts, then I would respond, then she would disappear for hours. This always hurt. I would take it personally.

The first six months were good- but tricky. When we were in person on dates, things were almost always good. When she went back home- the games started. She would carefully manipulate me on the phone. There were also times when she would basically disappear...texting "I needed a hiatus"...like  she was taking a time out. A friend I know that knows her for a little while longer than I, said she was like that when he met her. No job, trying to figure out her life, her next move, unhappy at home. 
 
We did have one big falling out last summer, but I was able to get her back. She made me feel like I had done her wrong. Truth was, I was beatup by her antics even back then. I would send her flowers, would text her poems, felt very romantic with her. But I felt like I was doing all the work. And she basically wanted me too. All of the dates were planned by me. It's almost if I hadn't done a thing...this relationship would not come to fruition. I DID EVERYTHING. She just existed.


The last 6 months were brutal. She held down a job, but nothing arduous, and she ended up quitting. She would complain about the job, about her boss, and say her boss was "manipulating her".  Yikes!  Then she started accusing me of lying, would tell me things like I can follow your photos ( that I would text to her) via Metadata- and insisted I was lying all the time, when I never lied once.

The fights then started to get bad- her mood swings were more prevalent. She would go hot to cold in a matter of minutes. She would talk over me, hang up on me,  had me thinking I was the one in the wrong, had me thinking I was going crazy. The outbursts in the last 6 months of the relationship, made me feel like I was with a totally different person. I even conveyed this to her once.

 I would trace back our texts, and finally I had to store the texts off my phone. As it got deeper, I always felt like I had one foot in the door, one out. There were numerous times when I felt like bailing out, wrote up emails that were never sent.  I knew it was toxic, but never left. We had another falling out last Christmas, then we got back together. The abuse continued. One night in NYC, she started a fight over something so small- so benign, it was almost childish. She was yelling so loud, the bellhop had to knock on our door. I basically kicked her out, but then we talked it through, and the entire next day she apologized for treating me so poorly. But it didn't end there.

We would only see each other once a month- this was the pattern,  but during the spring would talk almost daily. So, making our way towards this summer, she again accused me of lying on several occasions, but couldn't cite about what I was actually lying about. She would also write long elaborate emails- verbal diarrhea of how I'm to blame. I know this post has gone on and on, but I really need you people, I really need support, and I really need closure.

So, last saw her in June. Before I saw her, she told me she needed space. When I saw her- we were intimate, but it was lacking. Later that week, during an argument on the phone- I broke it off with her. I simply couldn't handle it anymore. Nothing was good enough for her. She criticized me, my job, basically everything I did. Some of our later conversations felt more like interrogations, than that of a couple actually talking. Not much laughter...not much happiness. The last time I saw her was June 22nd. We met for lunch. Spent five hours together. We talked about working things out; respecting each others boundaries; Trying to reset and start fresh. During those five hours, we held hands, we kissed (not making out), and it felt like we hadn't broken up at all.
After that- a week later, there was another argument over something very stupid on the phone, and again it seemed like she wanted to push me to an argument- provoke me, so I hung up on her. She had a three week trip planned with the family from late July into August. She called me twice from the plane before she went overseas. She told me she was going to miss me. I told her the same.

 During her trip abroad, she texted, sent photos. Twice,  told me she missed me "miss u- see you soon". I of course told her I missed her as well. So she gets back last week, "too tired to talk", then I tried to call the next day. I know some of this is going to sound stupid, but here it goes. The next night, out of the blue, she clicked "heart" on a photo of us on FB. Two hours later, she removed the heart. Later on, I tried to call her, she didn't answer. Early that morning, she removed several hearts on texts that I sent her - and it notified me on my iPhone. When I questioned her about this via text, she basically ignored it, said "we'll talk soon". Mind boggling.

So I go out of town last weekend, and out of the blue- she blocks me on FB & my phone number. No explanation whatsoever. Can anyone help me out here? I had blocked her in the past- after fights, sort of to protect myself, but then we would work it out. I haven't heard from her in a week, and I assume it's over. It hurts, but boy was it ever toxic. At least my previous Borderline- I knew she had it, and read everything I could on the topic. This one has me thinking she has BPD...but different from the first.

I do see a Psychologist & a Psychiatrist. I have told them everything I have told you, and then some. Both have told me she appears to have BPD, and to stay very far away. My Psychiatrist has told me this pattern will never end, and she will never change.

I can go more into specifics it anyone needs more info. Does this sound like pwBPD to everyone out there?  Any and all help would be greatly appreciated.
Thnx again for taking the time to read. I am worn out.