I’m home after my holiday... he has moved out

[blackorchid]

So it happened. I came home and he has moved all his possessions out. As far as I’m aware the only thing he has left is his charger. He even took his winter coats out of storage. He normally leaves something behind when he has done this.  He’s even taken the tv box which he has never done before... so no tv for me. At least now we have Netflix and smart TVs

I think he has taken his keys.
I messaged him from the airport to say my flight was delayed an hour could you please walk our dog. He said ok.

I landed to a message saying he didn’t have time to walk her. Bye.


Now what? Do I contact him?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[loyalwife]

Hi blackorchid,
 
     Wow. I'm sorry to hear about this sudden departure of your SO. It's tough to go through this when you aren't expecting it, and yet it has happened in the past (it sound like this is the first time for complete move out).
      In the past, did you contact him when he left, and was it a good result? You may want to consider giving him time to 'cool off' and go no contact. As difficult as that is, this is the only way sometimes to get through to the pwBPD. Did you see this coming at all? The fear of abandonment overwhelms them, and they usually do the leaving, as crazy as that sounds.
      You said that he had his keys; are those to your place? Do you feel comfortable with that?
       Wish I could offer more ideas on this.
        Hang in and take care of yourself.
       

[Red5]

Hang in there blackorchid, I know how painful this can be, I came home to empty floors and bare walls about nine months ago myslef, long story.

The best thing you can do now is to take care of yourself.

I wouldn’t try to text your partner, or call him... give him his space, and you take your fare share as well.

Let some cool down time pass,

Then I would text him perhaps about the key, do you rent, or own your flat?, whom is paying the rent?

I am assuming that you are.

That said...I would simply tell him via a text to get the key to the landlord, nothing more.

I would take a walk through, and see what if anything he has left behind, and I would gather these items together, and stage them for him to pick up, from another location, neutral at a later time.

I think, since he has moved out, and is behaving the way he is, you should set a boundary now.

He has left, so he needs to own this.

You need to get about the daily business of living your life now.

I’d do the above, and let things just lay flat for a while, let him be, let him deal with his own stuff, don’t play into his drama.

I certainly don’t know the entire story, or history, only what you’ve shared in your threads here.

One thing I do understand, a “serial leaver”... no matter how much we may beg, fuss, fight or plead with them, it only makes it worse... as they are going to play this game out each time.

You deserve stability and normal routine in your life, you do not deserve constant chaos and drama... “ I’m leaving, don’t call me” etc’.

Let him go, tell him at some point that “we can talk about it”... but change the locks... again, and very important...you deserve stability, and normality in your everyday life and routine.

I understand that we desire our partners to “straighten up and fly right”... and to stop the never ending destructive behaviors... but at the end of the day... we need security for ourselves.

Take care of yourself, and let us know how you are doing,

Deep breaths now, live in the here and now, self sooth as best you can, and love on your pup... kind regards, Red5

[Radcliff]

I am so sorry.  loyalwife and Red5 have good advice to give him some space and not pursue him.  Do you have local friends you can check in with to get some support?

RC

[Enabler]

Red makes some excellent points. Since you partner is a serial boomerang (whether he will come back this time, who knows), it is worthwhile considering how and what boundaries you wish to have with regards to him returning. As Red says, you deserve stability and consistency in your life, the only way to achieve this is to ensure that you don't allow instability and inconsistency to return into your world. Maybe it's a bit premature to think about this now, but please give it some thought in the not too distant future.

How do you feel about his departure? It sounds like you have had time to get used to it, maybe there's a small shock that he followed through with his idea, but on the whole you seem very level about the situation.

Enabler

[Stillhopeful4]

((HUGS)  I'm so sorry.

Try and relax and unwind after your trip.  Give him some time, you take some time.

Thinking of you.

SH4

[blackorchid]

Hey it hit me pretty hard in the airport, I was a big mess. I think whilst I was away I was just able to get it out of my mind easier.

In the past when I begged him not to leave it usually resulted in him blocking me so it made it easier being away not doing that.


People here are not so supportive. Just getting you’re better off without him and why are you upset from people. So it’s making it hard for me to want to be around them. Not going to lie today feels tough. Friday and Saturday I think I was just mentally and emotionally drained and that’s why I didn’t reply. But I appreciate everyone’s message. It’s good to know I’m not alone.

At about 2am the night i came he messaged me and said were only friends. That this is what I wanted. Haven’t heard from him since

I spoke to one Turkish friend who has confused me and give me food for thought. She asked if my family actually invited him to the wedding. I said no. No one contacted him. She thinks that this is all about the wedding and my family. So unsure if that was the trigger.

He did send a message to me on the wedding day but addressed to my sister and her new husband. I showed her the message the day after and she refused to reply. Apparently in Turkish culture that is bad. Last year when he walked it transpired that he’d asked my mum to marry me and she didn’t respond and that led to the splitting. But I have no idea what I’m supposed to do with all this new information

[Radcliff]

It's potentially helpful to have some background on things that might have upset him in the past, but cultural differences cannot explain his volatile behavior.  Beware of falling into the trap that many members fall into that if they just gather enough info, work hard enough, etc. they can make up for their partners behavior and get things running smoothly.  We can usually improve things or at least avoid making things worse by learning coping tools and taking care of ourselves, but don't put the burden all on yourself. 

I'm sorry to hear that you're not getting the support you need from the folks there.  Saying you're better off without him doesn't sound helpful if he's just left, you're still in love with him, and you want him to come back.  What do you wish they'd say?  If you had a friend in a similar situation, what would you say?

RC

[blackorchid]

Yes I see what you mean about it not being helpful Radcliff.

The night before this happened. Well I guess the first night of the two night argument I hurt my foot in the night. I stubbed my foot  pretty hard and immediately thought some toes were broken.it was black and swollen.  He was already not talking to me and when I asked him for help and to go to the hospital first he said I was making it up to get sympathy. And then he said I didn’t it on purpose to get sympathy.

I couldn’t sleep because of the pain. I hate going to hospitals here as a foreigner without a Turk as you get overcharged and so I just went to the GP she didn’t examine it and said it wasn’t broken. The pain was really bad and i think that’s part of the reason why when he came home and started again I JADEd pretty hard.

I couldn’t believe that he was accusing me of either making it up or doing it on purpose.

It’s still really swollen and sore and I still can’t get a shoe on.  One of my friends is a nurse and she told me I really should see a doctor. So today I went. I have 2 broken toes and torn ligaments and soft tissue damage in 3. And have been told to not walk on it. Which is brilliant when I’m now alone with the dog.

I don’t know why I’m writing all this here.

I think I’m just fed up.

I was kept very busy in England with the wedding and afterwards with my brother before he flew back to New Zealand that I think it helped to distract me.

Whilst now I’m faced with the reality. Tomorrow it’s 4 weeks since I did my foot. So that means it’s 4 weeks since he raged and split me. 4 weeks of no real talking or communication

[ColdKnight]

Hi blackorchid,

What would things look like if he texted you and said he wanted to come home tonight?

Would you try to establish boundaries? Would you communicate differently? Have you put any thought into that?

[Radcliff]

Ouch, figuratively and literally.  I'm sorry about your toes.  Can you find a way to minimize walking despite the fact that you have the dog?  What's your daily routine like?

RC

[blackorchid]

Hi coldknight

I’ve tried to think about it but haven’t found the answer tbh. Last year I told him when he came back that when he becomes like this we need to communicate effectively and he can’t just leave. He agreed not to leaving again. That’s why when he was sending me messages about leaving i mostly ignored them and refused to engage in the conversation. Wondering if  know if that was a mistake.

I honestly don’t know how to set the boundary there. I’m just feeling a little lost and down. I’m going to try and build myself back up and read the tools.

I don’t know if I should message him and say about my foot and just ask him at least to take the dog on a long walk on his day off.

Thanks Radcliff. Unfortunately I do a lot of walking as I don’t drive. So I guess I’m going to have to add in a few taxis as I go to my students houses to teach.  I’ve always scheduled them in clusters so I can walk


I bumped into one of his friends yesterday and he asked me how he was. I asked why and he said he’s been messaging him for the last couple of weeks but he hasn’t responded... this is what he did when he moved out last year. He also stopped talking to all his friends...

[Radcliff]

I honestly don’t know how to set the boundary there.

Where are you interested in setting a boundary?

RC

[blackorchid]

Honestly I’m open to all suggestions

[Gemsforeyes]

Dear blackorchid-
I’m very sorry for the pain and confusion you’re going through.  I’m also sorry about your foot and toes.  Being a bit clumsy, I’ve broken lots a toes in my day, so I can relate.  If you can adopt a “this too shall pass” mindset, hug your sweet dog and have a laugh at yourself, you’ll be okay... toes are used to abuse.

I’ve read through this a few times and I’m wondering... I live in the U.S.  If I’m living with my uBPDbf (or we’ve been together for a significant period of time) and a close family member is getting married, the expectation is that he WOULD be invited to the wedding.  Being excluded would be deeply insulting and hurtful.  He doesn’t have to attend, but the invitation would be extended.  That’s number one.

The second thing is when your BF sent a text message to your sister and her new husband via your phone the day after the wedding.  What did the message say?  Why did your sister ignore the message?  Again, your BPDbf is excluded from the wedding, if he sends a message of good wishes and is ignored, how SHOULD he feel?  He has BPD...  Do you expect a “normal”, adult reaction?

Third, last year your BPDbf reached out to your mom and asks for your hand in marriage and your mom “didn’t respond” ... so she IGNORED this pretty HUGE request?  Why would a request like that be ignored?  Many cultures respect when a man requests a woman’s  hand in marriage from a parent.  Being ignored could be especially hurtful to a pwBPD.  Did you and your bf work through this issue?

How DO you and your BF work through these issues around matters when your family dismisses his existence?  This would hurt a person who didn’t have mental health issues.

I’m just thinking, that if the answers are as I suspect, he is likely feeling deeply hurt.  Personally I understand that hurt.  He may also think if you did not think anything was wrong with how your family treated him, that you feel the way they do.  Not good.  So he’s thinking...why should I stay where I am not loved and valued? 

However,  I have not had the chance to read your history, so I may have completely missed the mark.  I’m sorry if that’s the case.

Thoughts?

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[Radcliff]

I wasn't sure from the conversation in the thread, but I thought you might have been talking about setting a boundary on him not moving out, which doesn't work because we can't control someone else's behavior.  I might have misinterpreted, though.  For more on boundaries, visit this page on setting boundaries.  With that info in mind, are there any boundaries you'd like to work on setting?

RC

[blackorchid]

Hi gemsforeyes,

He was invited to the wedding via myself. He did question it and asked why no one from my family had actually asked him.

Last year there was a MAJOR Issue between him and my mum which resulted in a massive argument with him and her. Him crying saying he loved me and my mum calling him a liar. The first time that they saw each other  again was at the end of July...

He replied to my story on Instagram of the wedding. He said dear Jessica and Ryan congratulations on your wedding.. I’m so sorry I wasn’t there to celebrate with you. I wish you a lifetime of happiness and love. I hope that you will always be happy together.

My sister refused to read the message or acknowledge it. Saying that my BF is a d^^* and that she’s fed up of it. I asked her to respond and she said absolutely not. When I have since brought it to her and my mum have said that I am ruining the memories of the wedding which I think is BS

Last year it came as a shock to me that my family disapproved of everything. From my job as an English teacher here”you’re not a real teacher” to my relationship with him “how can you expect to live in a house like this if you marry him” to which I responded well what would change. To every decision in between. It was a very painful time. Nothing has been resolved and I fear that that has flared things up now.

I think that you have hit the nail on the head. And I am at a total loss at to what to do


Today he has shared on Instagram a picture of him at pool with the caption new house.

It has broke me

Radcliff, I know I need to set boundaries but don’t know how. I will try reading tomorrow

[Radcliff]

Read up on boundaries, but that's probably not the most urgent thing.  First, do whatever you can to boost yourself up and feel better.  It's a tough spot to be in to not have the support of your family when you're going through a tough time in a foreign country, and it sounds like it's an ongoing theme.  Stick with us here on this board, but you might also find it valuable to visit the community over on Parent, Sibling, or In-Law and describe some of the interactions with your family.  Whether anyone's been diagnosed or even has BPD doesn't really matter -- the fellowship with others who have painful family of origin experiences, and learning how to use the coping tools in family interactions could be very helpful.

Can you pause your Instagram connection to him to save you the pain of looking at those updates?  (I'm not sure if that can be done in a subtle way without any notice to him.)  What else can you do to take care of yourself?

RC

[blackorchid]

Woke up to confusing messages...

Him: do you know I don’t want any contact with you

Me: ok but I thought we were friends?

Him: we are friends but you mustn’t talk to me about a relationship. I will never see you again. So don’t play with me. I don’t want to see Daisy too (our dog)

About 20 minutes later. He said did I forget anything at home. I said yes some little bits. He said ok


  what was that?

[Radcliff]

Oy vey.  He could mean that he never wants to see you again.  Or he might also have been lonely and wanted to hear from you.  Or both.  The key here is not to try to read the tea leaves and figure out what he really means and then try to give it to him.  Just keep a steady course, talking to him in slightly warmer than neutral tones, so it's safe to approach you but he doesn't feel like you're chasing him trying to convince him to come back.

You've probably seen his patterns before.  When he distances himself, how do things get repaired?  When/how do you notice the first cracks in the icy wall he puts up, the opportunity to get closer?

RC

[blackorchid]

He normally plays the friend card. He suggested last year meeting up as friends. But then cancelled. Or met and was really standoffish.

If I say anything about a relationship he gets angry and has then blocked me in the past.

I guess it always comes from him. How and when he wants it.

Sometimes he’ll see if I’m on WhatsApp for example late at night and ask what I’m doing. And why didn’t I tell him I was still up. I remember that one from last year.

Maybe I need to go back and reread other posts and my journal to see what clues are there...:


Does anybody else have experience of whnen their partner does this of them also not talking to other people at the same time? One of our mutual friends is back on holiday and she called me yesterday then said I saw on Instagram that you guys moved. So I said no. He has not me. Then she got her husband on the phone. His best friend and he said that he’s been back for three weeks and my boyf hasn’t responded to his messages or seen him. Very odd considering that he has been out of the country since feb

[Enabler]

Maybe he feels 'Wrong' in the holistic sense. Seeing other people, especially people who know him and can 'see straight through him' is likely to be threatening to him and not something he is willing to confront. If I saw my best mate for the first time in ages and he'd just left his partner... guess what the first question I'd be asking would be! Maybe he feels his friend will judge him and confront him about his actions... his best mate has likely seen this all before time and time again. It would be very shameful for him.

The conversation you mentioned was like a mini Karpman triangle explosion, he tricks you into playing the game and then flips you into perpetrator role and him into victim... and he got his fix and recovered after a while. You were hurt. That may or may not have been his intention, but he wanted to reinforce his victimhood and was going to get it one way or another.

Enabler

[blackorchid]

yes that makes sense about the friends Enabler, although last year  he didnt talk to them for 4 months too...

I've never heard of the Karpman Triangle before... i just had a quick glance and it makes sense...something for me to read about

[Enabler]

This is a must-read for understanding the Karpman Triangle:

https://www.lynneforrest.com/articles/2008/06/the-faces-of-victim/

[Red5]

It’s been my understanding that the family of origin (Foo) will often enable the behaviors... whereas “friends” won’t...at least not for long.

The partner, the wife, husband, spouse... most often will be “cut out” rather quickly once things go south... in the relationship... even after years, or even decades of the marriage or relationship, by the Foo.

You see, if there was abuse in the Foo, then this is a “family secret”... there is shame here, or even arrogance... this Foo stuff is hard to crack... the Foo will strive at all cost to protect this “family secret”... and I said at all cost, even to the point of jettisoning a husband, wife, or partner of the Foo adult child... once the partners becomes privy to the Foo history.

This happened to me in my first marriage, long story.

All very interesting... once you understand it, even though you are feeling it first hand.

I think you mentioned blackorchid that your husband may have had a “rough childhood”?

We know that bpd is a trauma based thing, triggered... “nature nurture” they say.

It’s a childhood wound thing, ie’ possibly abusive - abuses during very early years.
*mental
*emotional
*neglect
*physical
*sexual

This is a deep rabbit hole, but well worth understanding, in order to better understand the partners seemingly unexplainable, perplexing never ending behaviors.

Can you tell us what you may know about your husbands childhood?

Kind Regards, Red5

[I Am Redeemed]

This thread has reached the posting limit and has been locked. Part 2 is here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=339277.0