I'm not prepared to accept verbal abuse...

[Depression = 72% of members]

I haven't posted in a while, my partner found out I was using this site and gave me hell over it for a while.
Recently she apologized to me for how she's been treating me for over a year. Just yesterday however, she became angry with me for reasons that aren't clear to me, and ended up calling me "a worthless piece of ___"
I've stated to her a few times that I'm not prepared to accept verbal abuse, but her standard reply has been that she can't help it.
Is there any other way to set or emphasize this boundary so that the abuse stops?

[Noobie]

I haven't posted in a while, my partner found out I was using this site and gave me hell over it for a while.
Recently she apologized to me for how she's been treating me for over a year. Just yesterday however, she became angry with me for reasons that aren't clear to me, and ended up calling me "a worthless piece of ___"
I've stated to her a few times that I'm not prepared to accept verbal abuse, but her standard reply has been that she can't help it.
Is there any other way to set or emphasize this boundary so that the abuse stops?

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RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Birddog]

This ones hard, been working with following strategies, would be interested in other techniques.

I’ve been direct about verbal abuse, Suport Empathy statements have been helpful without totally agreeing, takes practice.

No wins, extreme devaluing, I’ll leave for 30 minutes, say need thirty minutes, important thing is say “I will be back” if abandonment fears are issue for partner, our conversation is becoming non productive, would like to give full attention when ready, you grab a pad of paper, I’ll grab a glass if water.

Don’t take a BPDs rage personally, usually it’s a distortion or projection and not always about you.

I don’t think it out of bounds to state you won’t tolerate abuse, this is how will handle it, emphasis on care about each of you, trying to get on healthier path, this is a healthy boundary.

[blackorchid]

How do you start to give empathy statements for this

[once removed]

I've stated to her a few times that I'm not prepared to accept verbal abuse

at the end of the day, you can tell someone how you prefer or dont prefer to be treated. they will not necessarily heed your wishes.

so you accept that she is who she is (maybe that will change, maybe it wont, but right now it is what it is) and you act accordingly.

if you arent prepared to accept verbal abuse, what are you prepared to do about it?

[Birddog]

Every situation is different and may need a breather, it’s Temporary.
Maybe for empathy, (my 13 daughter thinks it’s cheesy, but she knows I care and am being sincere)

 “something seems to be really bothering you, and that hurts, the pains real, is it something we can discuss”.

Or

“I don’t have a solution for this right now, maybe some time to think on this, it’s seems to be bothering you”

Or

You would like xyz. I understand that, at this time abc is where I stand, maybe we can find something that works for both of us. Right now we are going on unproductive track. What do you think? Meet in 15 minutes?

[Noobie]

I find it very hard not to take things personally when it's coming from the person I'm supposed to be in love with. I'm trying my hardest with that. It's just not that easy, at least for me.
I don't know what other options I have than trying to make boundaries work besides leaving. I don't want to do that while there's a chance things could work out. It's very tough. I wish I knew what would work for me.

[Birddog]

I think it’s commendable to address the abuse, and necessary.

I went 20’years not having any tools, eventually called abuse hotline, enrolled older kids with advocates. Needed to start addressing the mental health issues and abuse issues as separate.

I am accused of just walking away or shutting down, but I can calmly say that is my limit, I respect myself much more than to just take it.

If she starts devaluing the kids, same thing, tell her she needs a break.

Remodeling and housework are a couple triggers for her, early on had to call in my army buddy to help finish a tile project because of her perfectionism, hypervigilance, and devaluing, this his was still early in the marriage, generated years of resentments for me, no Idea what was lurking beneath the surface.

I changed my thinking after recent diagnosis, so during particularly hard time, she went heavy into devaluation mode and when I was cutting grass, didn’t think I was doing it right. I didn’t get drug in to reactive state, actually calmly told her she was being abusive, the specifics. She immediately after went out to “finish” the lawn to her satisfaction, first time she has run mower in 20 years. Just let her do her thing. 2 months later she hasn’t abused me on this issue.

[once removed]

I don't know what other options I have than trying to make boundaries work besides leaving.

boundaries work best as a lifestyle approach...when theyre tied to how we live our values, rather than a means to try to solve a specific conflict.

This is the life skill of openly communicating, asserting, and defending personal values.

The need for better “boundaries” is advice often given when someone complains about how another person has been treating them.

“Help, my girlfriend isn’t treating me well. Now she is giving me the silent treatment.”

“Well, friend, you need to set some boundaries”.

“You’re right, I have bad boundaries.”

From this discussion one might believe that if we are angry and say "no more" or even walk out that our girlfriend (or other loved one) will change their ways and all will be well. That's not what this is about.

https://bpdfamily.com/content/setting-boundaries

on some level, if you are in a relationship with her, you are prepared to accept verbal abuse, or at least the possibility of it.

and realistically, with someone with BPD traits, who has really volatile emotions, who has intense reactions to perceived rejection, you kind of have to be.

so what would it mean to really not accept verbal abuse? i dont think it would mean "to make it go away". it might mean exiting the conversation when it occurs; thats only one example, not necessarily the best one, and a healthy time out tends to work best when done as a last resort, and delivered in a mature way, not as punishment or to teach a lesson.

but perhaps more than anything, it might mean talking about it in a time of calm, not with judgment, but about how it makes you feel, and how the two of you, as a team, can do better. how you can align and live your values.

listening to her explain herself in a time of calm, in a validating and non judgmental setting may also help you to take it less personally, and help her better understand herself, and why she does it.

what do you think?

[Noobie]

I think no relationship can really work if one half of the partnership is being abused, verbally as in my case, or especially physically. I can't repeat some of the things that my partner has said to me here, but I don't believe anyone should have to be on the receiving end of something like that. Yes, I understand it's probably as a result of BPD or something similar to that, but I don't feel that should be used as justification. If I feel angry I don't take that anger out on everyone around me, I find a constructive way to dispel it. I'm struggling to see the point you're making I'm afraid.

[once removed]

we dont train others to change/be better people/treat us better. thats how you get blurry boundaries.

youve stated to her more than one time that you wont accept verbal abuse. shes told you she "cant help it" and the two of you continue to butt heads over this.

maybe she can, and maybe she cant, but take her at her word, that thats her limitation. its unlikely to change, and at a certain point, you just have two people in a battle of wills.

if verbal abuse is your limitation, honor it. dont be in that relationship.

im not encouraging you to leave. lots of suggestions have been made in this thread about how to weather the storms, and how to lead things on a healthier trajectory. people with bpd traits are known for lashing out, so its probably something you will never eliminate, but you may be able to reduce it and better weather the storms when they happen.

my point is dont hit your head against a brick wall. change your approach, whatever that means for you.

[Noobie]

I feel very overwhelmed. I know it's not my partner's fault, but this makes me feel like it's my fault. All I've tried to be is loving and supportive like any good man should. I'm at a loss.

[once removed]

i hear you, friend. these relationships are tough, to say the least.

I know it's not my partner's fault, but this makes me feel like it's my fault.

i dont think its necessarily about fault (though if shes verbally abusive, thats on her). its really about what you want to do, going forward.

ill give you a quick example, one ive told many times here.

one of my very best friends used to be the worst person in the world to go to for support. hed say the wrong thing. he might laugh at you. he was incredibly insensitive. and id always get mad and tell him that...try to get him to be better. eventually i realized that just wasnt his thing. that was his limit. i stopped expecting that out of him. i could have ended our friendship, but there were lots of elements of our friendship i loved, so i enjoyed those, and if i needed support i went to someone else. our friendship improved as a result. incidentally, years later, hes really great to go to if i need support.

your partner is telling you, and showing you who she is (at least some of the time). expecting her to be someone other than who she is is going to cause you pain, confusion, frustration.

that doesnt mean you dont have other options. we have an entire section in the lessons here on Surviving Confrontation and Disrespect: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=56206.msg913191#msg913191

do you see anything there that might help?

[Noobie]

That's just it, she has changed so much from the person I met and fell for, and in such a short space of time too. It's like I met a different person. If it had always been this way I wouldn't have moved forward with a relationship. I'll try reading the link you sent, thanks.