Time to reflect and reassess...I think

[JNChell]

I should be sleeping, but I can’t. Gears are turning so I thought I should do something productive with my restlessness.

I was told on another board by a very wise member that maybe I’m not as far along in all of this that I thought I was. I think he’s right. Going a little deeper, I have to look at where I am, my actions and how I feel. Those 3 things aren’t grounded together. It’s easy to talk to others here and offer support. My words to other members are sincere and come from the heart, but I wonder if a lot of what I say is projection. Basically, trying to provide support and comfort by saying what I would like to experience. Those are just some late night thoughts. I’m not qualified to analyze myself. Really though, what was said to me by the member that I’m speaking of has caused me to think more. I need to be able to recognize where I really am in this process at all times.

Another member that I trust 110% showed me that I’m still focusing on trying to learn what happened to me instead of learning how to truly heal. She’s right. When I look at it, learning about this stuff has become a bit of an obsession. I’ve been stuck. It’s not that I don’t believe in looking after myself. I don’t know how, and realizing that with a nudge from helpful people has me realizing that I need to focus on teaching myself that. I guess that it’s hard to break away from the fact finding. Searching for answers. Closure. What more am I going to find? Nothing really. Thousands of articles and videos, books and the best support group for these subjects. There’s not much more that I’m going to find that is new to me. It’s time to truly change my focus. It’s time to focus on my inner child and parent him. As an adult, I need to stop blaming because nothing good will come from it. All I can really do at this point is own myself. There is usually value involved in taking ownership of something. Why else would we want to own it? Maybe a good place to (re)start is to identify the value in myself.

I really appreciate how folks here are able to offer this kind of support. My best friend is a really strong figure and gives great advice. A lot of what he says is in line with this community, but he doesn’t get it like you all. I’m not knocking him at all. I love him and would do anything for him and I’m glad that he doesn’t get this stuff. His family is a very strong unit. Wish you all could show up for dinner on his homestead! Anyway, I’m getting off track.

I’m at a point of reflection. Reassessment. Thanks for reading.

[Zabava]

JNChell,

Coincidentally,  a wise member has also suggested to me that revisiting the past can sometimes be easier than moving forward.  I recently heard an interview with Ariel Leve who wrote a memoir about her abusive mum called An Abbreviated Life.  She said that the biggest breakthrough she had was when she accepted that her mother was incapable of acknowledging the abuse and would never make amends.

Pete Walker talks about the cultural imperative to always be happy.  I think there is also a false belief in "closure" as a way to fix things. 

You are right to focus on reparenting your inner child and accepting your own value.  I have the feeling you have trouble beIieving in your own worth and seeing yourself as others see you. 

From my time here, I see you helping so many people here with your empathy and insight, me included. 

[pursuingJoy]

When I look at it, learning about this stuff has become a bit of an obsession. I’ve been stuck. It’s not that I don’t believe in looking after myself. I don’t know how, and realizing that with a nudge from helpful people has me realizing that I need to focus on teaching myself that. I guess that it’s hard to break away from the fact finding. Searching for answers. Closure. What more am I going to find? Nothing really. Thousands of articles and videos, books and the best support group for these subjects. There’s not much more that I’m going to find that is new to me. It’s time to truly change my focus. It’s time to focus on my inner child and parent him. As an adult, I need to stop blaming because nothing good will come from it. All I can really do at this point is own myself. There is usually value involved in taking ownership of something. Why else would we want to own it? Maybe a good place to (re)start is to identify the value in myself.

This really resonates with me. Thoughts like these provide little road signs for those following. 

Thanks for sharing, JNChell.

[Turkish]

I once read what a very seasoned member quoted from a more seasoned and elder member: "you can't fix your issues with one person with a completely diffeent person, that's impossible."

I believe the context was with regard to pwBPD.  My mother rescued me from foster care to focus on a needy little boy.  My ex focused on my as the father she never had.  Of course I "failed" in both instances because their love was more about fulfilling their needs and emptiness, rather than about agape, though despite their faults, I don't attribute them as evil. I also had my part to play on the other side of the equation,  more with my romantic r/s where I was an adult and also too focused upon filling my own emptiness, even if unaware. 

I may be stepping out on a limb here (probably), but what you wrote, JNChell, made me think that maybe we might get stuck focusing too much on our inner children, "lost boys" in our cases? This may be a necessary step towards healing, but sometimes I can't help but think that maybe it might be like using another person, a part of ourselves dis-integrated, to heal what we are used to thinking of as our integrated selves. If so, and I'm just brainstorming, how can we get past that? To integrate the lost child with the adult?

[Harri]

Hi JNChell.  There are a lot of really good thoughts here. 

It’s time to truly change my focus. It’s time to focus on my inner child and parent him.

I do think there is great value in spending time with your inner child and listening to him.  It will give you great insight into the feelings he experienced for sure and how to self soothe. 

One thing I learned is that inner child work goes beyond just validation and playing with and getting in touch with them.  It also involves setting boundaries and limits and applying rules and sometimes even discipline.  I learned of inner child work more in terms of getting in touch with lost feelings and then learning how to parent myself through some tough times and when "she" was acting up (and out).  Protecting her was important but so was teaching her to be strong and learn to protect herself and speak out in productive and appropriate ways.

Sometimes I caught myself thinking well my inner child was triggered so I have to validate her and then I stopped there rather than looking at the trigger and learning to manage it and learning better coping skills and ways of expressing myself.  I think anything can become a means of staying stuck even, and maybe especially, triggers.  I don't think you are doing that here.  I do think it is important to be mindful and I am glad Turkish spoke up. 

In the meantime, I think you hit on some really important stuff here and it excites me that you will be working through things here on the board.  Thanks for sharing your processing.