Still angry after 3-4 years - Part 2

[elfyguy]

*mod note: this thread was split from a previous discussion found here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=338906.30/size]

"attachment leads to suffering...detachment leads to freedom."

It sounds very much like the Buddhist's Noble Truths.

"The First Truth is that suffering, pain, and misery exist in life.
The Second Truth is that this suffering is caused by selfish craving and personal desire.
The Third Truth is that this selfish craving can be overcome.
The Fourth Truth is that the way to overcome this misery is through the Eightfold Path."

I wholeheartedly agree with this(the first two anyway), but I'm not sure how possible it is to do this and Buddhists spend their entire lives for this endeavour. I'd rather accept that I have desires and that I do suffer. I'm not trying to separate myself from a part of myself.

i remember after my breakup some folks suggested i was victim. personally, it made me feel disempowered, and small. it made me feel like a sucker. and it didnt really fit...like others, my relationship was as toxic as it was wonderful. the best of times, the worst of times  . and ultimately, something that in spite of our best efforts, ran its course.

at 3-4 years, why invest in that idea? what does it mean and represent to you? does it not increase your suffering?

We have different mindsets then. I have no problem saying I was abused in this relationship or that I was a victim. In fact, I find it quite empowering. It's empowering because I can say it and not be ashamed. Why would the truth be shameful or disempowering? I had a unique experience of being abused and I do not see why I should ignore this actually happened. Yours may have been a mixed-bag, but the majority of my memories are painful and sad ones. My regret is that it did not end sooner.

[once removed]

I have no problem saying I was abused in this relationship or that I was a victim. In fact, I find it quite empowering. It's empowering because I can say it and not be ashamed. Why would the truth be shameful or disempowering?

i can understand why the notion might be empowering. those that have gotten the opportunity to speak their piece at a court proceeding will tell you so.

victims, generally speaking, are people with no control or responsibility over their circumstances. when a scanner placed at a gas station stole the information from my ATM card, and the person who obtained that information made a copy and emptied my bank account, i was a victim of fraud and of theft. i also took it upon myself to learn more about this common practice, and do things like pay for gasoline with cash.

were our relationships something that we had no control or responsibility over? you and i both went back multiple times. did we lose our autonomy to make better, healthier choices?

maybe. but if so, whats to stop that from happening again?

I'd rather accept that I have desires and that I do suffer. I'm not trying to separate myself from a part of myself.

our baggage doesnt define us. in fact, if we let it, it can obscure our true, authentic selves.

what if i told you that your anger 3-4 years later is directly tied to those feelings of victimhood? what if i told you that at a certain level, it makes you emotionally unavailable in your current relationship? what if i told you that you could be free of it, and find peace? is the alternative more appealing?

what if i told you we can move from victim, to survivor, to thriver?

[iluminati]

I can relate, and the thing is that the anger never really goes away.  It's always there in the background.  You can't hide it, but you can't give in either.  It's been 6 years since my exBPDw and I split, and I still have my moments.  How I've dealt with it is with meditation and realizing that the anger is part of my story, but not the sum total of it.  There's no sense in rewriting history, but you have to learn to ride out those waves, let it go through you and move on. 

No matter what happened, you can't undo it.  It's just figuring out how to move on and live a worthwhile life.

[elfyguy]

i can understand why the notion might be empowering. those that have gotten the opportunity to speak their piece at a court proceeding will tell you so.

victims, generally speaking, are people with no control or responsibility over their circumstances. when a scanner placed at a gas station stole the information from my ATM card, and the person who obtained that information made a copy and emptied my bank account, i was a victim of fraud and of theft. i also took it upon myself to learn more about this common practice, and do things like pay for gasoline with cash.

were our relationships something that we had no control or responsibility over? you and i both went back multiple times. did we lose our autonomy to make better, healthier choices?

maybe. but if so, whats to stop that from happening again?

I don't really feel the need to defend myself, so I wasn't quite sure if I should reply to this, but I felt it might be important for others who want to feel their anger. I am currently quite happy in my situation. Don't get me wrong, I still have problems, like anyone, but occasionally I feel anger. I didn't feel any since we last spoke but if it comes, it comes. So there are a few problems with what you've said and the general attitude here. First, the tone on this thread has been a fixer attitude, which is not necessarily good. Sometimes, people don't want a fix and sometimes talking is enough. In fact, what happens, quite a bit, is if you're trying to fix someone's problems and you've got a solution straight away, then you're not really hearing the person. It's a conversation lost and identifying lost, which can create an estranged relationship on both sides. I was very much the fixer, and still am, but sometimes just listening is enough. Anyway...

Second, I am highly dubious and sceptical on what you've said. From victim to survivor to thriver. I dunno...  I'm not here to critique stuff since I do that in my course. Anyway, I never said my baggage defined me. What I wanted was to share and see if anyone feels the same. Then, suddenly, something is wrong with me. However, I do know the difference between a victim mentally and being a victim and I'd like to imagine I'm the latter. Anyway, I am at peace by focusing on my emotions. This is how I find peace and this is how I live, now. It works for me. Sometimes it's unpleasant but I sit through it. I need to go through my emotions on the spot, because I do not want to repress or suppress them in any way shape or form. I'm not saying it works for everyone but I'm quite content. I appreciate the good intentions, thanks.

[elfyguy]

I can relate, and the thing is that the anger never really goes away.  It's always there in the background.  You can't hide it, but you can't give in either.  It's been 6 years since my exBPDw and I split, and I still have my moments.  How I've dealt with it is with meditation and realizing that the anger is part of my story, but not the sum total of it.  There's no sense in rewriting history, but you have to learn to ride out those waves, let it go through you and move on. 

No matter what happened, you can't undo it.  It's just figuring out how to move on and live a worthwhile life.

Yes, thanks. I appreciate you relating with me. Yes, I agree that anger is not the sum total of it, but I do think feeling the anger is healthy. Just make sure it does not control you or me :p Similarly, I'd think any emotion left unchecked would have disastrous effects. Thanks

[Harri]

As we discuss these emotionally challenging relationships, let's make sure we are all keeping it respectful, and be mindful of the forum guidelines going forward.

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