Confused by an appearance?

[Answers]

Five years ago I became involved in a two year relationship with a woman who diagnosed with BPD 18 months in. Prior to that I had no awareness or understanding of the disease. It played out like almost all of the other stories here of push/pull cycles and angry outbursts. By the time of the final discard I was in pretty bad shape and invested a considerable amount of time working with a therapist. We quickly uncovered that I had a pattern of suspected BPD women in my life going back to my Mother. So I have seen BPD firsthand and know what it looks like.

Sadly it seems like I still have some work to do though as I have been involved with a woman over the last 14 months who has demonstrated many of the same patterns as the woman from five years ago. This time I'm working to deal with what's happened in a much healthier way.

With the current situation there were two significant incidents of lying that culminated in me finally breaking up with with her about five weeks ago. We continued to have contact though and three weeks ago began spending time together again. It only lasted for week, during which she had several outbursts of anger and was downright mean to me. Ultimately I got angry and overreacted at which point she broke up with me and we didn't have contact for 6 days. She then showed up at yoga class last Tuesday I often go to, smiled and gave me hug. We talked after words and she was unwilling to discuss anything and would only say it's just not working. We had some interaction over the next couple of days and then she went silent again on Friday and we have not had any contact since. Tonight though she was once again at the yoga class I go to when I arrived. The room was very crowded and I put my mat on the opposite side of it, did the entire class, and when I sat up at the very end she was gone.

I have been going to this yoga studio from before we started dating and actually introduced her to hot yoga on our second date. She began doing it fairly regularly but during breakups would go to another location.

What confuses me is why she would show up tonight at this location if there was a good chance I would be there to abruptly leave at the end in what appeared to be a significant effort to avoid me? I know I should not personalize her behavior but it did feel lousy.

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[expatblue]

  This sounds like behavior not specific to bpd females, she wants to stay in your consciousness but make you think she doesn't care... she is still thinking about you.

[once removed]

hard to say.

its possible she wanted to give space, or take it for herself. its possible she wanted to avoid more conversation about the relationship.

We had some interaction over the next couple of days

what kind of interaction?

[Answers]

Thanks once removed.

We talked, had lunch one day and did something nice for her on Friday after which she went silent.

I completely agree that she had wanted space, from the interactions we had it appeared she had disassociated with the relationship (this has happened before). What confuses me is that I have respected the space and not reached out to her. Why show up at a place I'm very likely to be and then go to lengths to avoid me? The easier solution would be to just go to the other yoga studio.

[Answers]

  This sounds like behavior not specific to bpd females, she wants to stay in your consciousness but make you think she doesn't care... she is still thinking about you.

Thanks expatblue,

I agree 100% that the behavior of showing up at the yoga studio is not specific to BPD. To tell the whole story of what has gone on would take pages. She has engaged in behavior much more significant than this over of the relationship that is very consistent with BPD and she is an abuse survivor who will not get help.

This incident actually pales in comparison to what else has gone on. However, showing up at the yoga class where I am likely to be and staying through the whole thing only to run out at the end just struck me as so odd I didn't know what to make of it? If she wanted space then the easiest thing for her would be to just go to a different studio.