What to do

[Parents! Get help here!]

My son lives with his girlfriend of 2 years.  She has 2 children from a previous relationship (7 & 9) and they have a daughter together who is 1.  They had a long distance relationship for 1 year previously and had broken up when she decided to come to our area to look for a job.  It was obvious that she became pregnant on purpose but my son was adamant on making a go of the relationship because of the pregnancy.  She moved here with her children and he returned to school to finish so that he could support all of them.  Over the last 2 years it has been constant (weekly) fighting, mood swings, uncontrollable anger, lies, depression, and so much more on her (J's) part.  I have been called in the middle of the night on a weekly basis to drive across town to sit for hours trying to calm her down and reason with her or have him sit in the car bc she has locked him out and he is too afraid to go very far incase something happens.  The last few months she has gotten worse, pulling a gun on him, calling police claiming he is abusing her only to retract what she claimed, threatening to take his baby from him and leave the state, screaming and falling to the ground in public, threatening to ruin  his life by claiming he is abusive so he can't see his daughter, and so much more.  My son always agrees to whatever she wants so she will calm down and so the kids won't be traumatized but the next day it starts again.  He tries to keep me out of it so that I can maintain a calm relationship with her for the kids bc if I do say something she threatens me only to apologize later and then we just go on and act like nothing happens.  They have a joint custody agreement but not a visitation agreement bc they live together and he won't leave bc he is scared for the kids.  He has been to lawyers, police, and counselors for help and all they say is he has to have proof she is unstable in order to get custody of at least his baby and to help his step kids go to their dads otherwise she will get custody of all three of them and he is scared to death what would happen to them.  Her family is aware that she is unstable but won't step in, stating that is how she has been all her life and there is nothing they can do.  I have talked with her Aunt who raised her and she stated that in J's teens it was suggested she had BPD and/or Bipolar disorder but no official diagnoses has ever been made.  The father of the children has told my son he knows she has mental issues and they had to call the police often but that the only thing he could do was just agree with her because she took his kids away and its the only way he can see them.  I am so afraid for my son and the children and don't know how to help J.  I have tried talking with her and she has agreed that she has problems and just when I get her to the point of going to a doctor or to get counseling she backs out claiming we are all out to get her and she isn't going to get diagnosed and let us get her kids.  I have tried to tell her that her relationship with my son would be better and the kids wouldn't be traumatized but she says they are her kids and she has my son where she wants him.  I am at a loss on what to do or how to deal with this.  There are no support groups in my area and I am just scared.  At this moment my son needs to go to school and pick up his paperwork to start his clinicals but she has been on a rant for 2 days.  She has blocked his vehicle with boxes and laid down in the drive way to keep him from leaving.  He has offered to take the baby with him so she can work but she said that's her baby and he can't have her.  She said if he leaves she is going to call his clinicals and claim he is an abuser.  He has to go and doesn't know what to do...  I just need help dealing with this.  Thank you.

[Chris66]

My son lives with his girlfriend of 2 years.  She has 2 children from a previous relationship (7 & 9) and they have a daughter together who is 1.  They had a long distance relationship for 1 year previously and had broken up when she decided to come to our area to look for a job.  It was obvious that she became pregnant on purpose but my son was adamant on making a go of the relationship because of the pregnancy.  She moved here with her children and he returned to school to finish so that he could support all of them.  Over the last 2 years it has been constant (weekly) fighting, mood swings, uncontrollable anger, lies, depression, and so much more on her (J's) part.  I have been called in the middle of the night on a weekly basis to drive across town to sit for hours trying to calm her down and reason with her or have him sit in the car bc she has locked him out and he is too afraid to go very far incase something happens.  The last few months she has gotten worse, pulling a gun on him, calling police claiming he is abusing her only to retract what she claimed, threatening to take his baby from him and leave the state, screaming and falling to the ground in public, threatening to ruin  his life by claiming he is abusive so he can't see his daughter, and so much more.  My son always agrees to whatever she wants so she will calm down and so the kids won't be traumatized but the next day it starts again.  He tries to keep me out of it so that I can maintain a calm relationship with her for the kids bc if I do say something she threatens me only to apologize later and then we just go on and act like nothing happens.  They have a joint custody agreement but not a visitation agreement bc they live together and he won't leave bc he is scared for the kids.  He has been to lawyers, police, and counselors for help and all they say is he has to have proof she is unstable in order to get custody of at least his baby and to help his step kids go to their dads otherwise she will get custody of all three of them and he is scared to death what would happen to them.  Her family is aware that she is unstable but won't step in, stating that is how she has been all her life and there is nothing they can do.  I have talked with her Aunt who raised her and she stated that in J's teens it was suggested she had BPD and/or Bipolar disorder but no official diagnoses has ever been made.  The father of the children has told my son he knows she has mental issues and they had to call the police often but that the only thing he could do was just agree with her because she took his kids away and its the only way he can see them.  I am so afraid for my son and the children and don't know how to help J.  I have tried talking with her and she has agreed that she has problems and just when I get her to the point of going to a doctor or to get counseling she backs out claiming we are all out to get her and she isn't going to get diagnosed and let us get her kids.  I have tried to tell her that her relationship with my son would be better and the kids wouldn't be traumatized but she says they are her kids and she has my son where she wants him.  I am at a loss on what to do or how to deal with this.  There are no support groups in my area and I am just scared.  At this moment my son needs to go to school and pick up his paperwork to start his clinicals but she has been on a rant for 2 days.  She has blocked his vehicle with boxes and laid down in the drive way to keep him from leaving.  He has offered to take the baby with him so she can work but she said that's her baby and he can't have her.  She said if he leaves she is going to call his clinicals and claim he is an abuser.  He has to go and doesn't know what to do...  I just need help dealing with this.  Thank you.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[PeaceMom]

Chris,
I wanted to jump in and welcome you here. I’m fairly new (about 3 months) and just starting to understand what I’m dealing with in my DS19 uBpd’s life. I’m learning how to interact better with her. Your situation sounds very challenging and others here have had similar experiences with in-laws married to their nonBPD kids.
I’m so sorry for what you are going thru as it sounds to have reached crisis levels for your son. Others here have suggested documenting all abusive behavior to build a case if it comes to that.
Do you have a therapist, trusted friend, clergyman to support YOU as you are very up close and personal to all the dysfunction in their life?

Hopefully, others with some similar experiences will jump in here.

Please keep sharing here in this safe place.

Hugs,
Peacemom

[No-One]

Hi Chris66:
Welcome!
I'm so sorry about the situation with your son's partner. It sounds both dangerous & serious.  Do you live in the U.S.? 

Anyone pulling a gun on you is unacceptable & dangerous.  The gun and any other weapons she is apt to use have to be taken away/removed from the home! Weapons can't be available to anyone who exhibits behaviors like your son's partner.

The last few months she has gotten worse, pulling a gun on him, calling police claiming he is abusing her only to retract what she claimed, threatening to take his baby from him and leave the state, screaming and falling to the ground in public, threatening to ruin  his life by claiming he is abusive so he can't see his daughter, and so much more. . .

 He has been to lawyers, police, and counselors for help and all they say is he has to have proof she is unstable in order to get custody of at least his baby and to help his step kids go to their dads

You son needs to quit letting his partner intimidate him & get serious about the situation and document all bad behaviors & events. Fear of his partner shooting him or harming the children in some way, should far out weigh his fear that she will get full custody.

In the long run, presenting sufficient documentation can end up forcing his partner to get mental health care. (since she refuses to seek care)    

I don't know if it is legal where your son lives to record someone, but your son should consider recording his partner in an effort to document some things like death threats.  Even if a recording can't be officially used in court, I've heard where recordings have been used to prove to police responding to an emergency call to your house, that you are the victim.  Also, it would be helpful to record her threats of making false claims of abuse.

You might want to post on the "Family Law" board.  You will likely find some support there about documenting for legal action.

You can help, by making copies of text messages and emails.  Documenting in writing about events you are aware of & what was said.  Basically, a journal - documenting date, time & what happened. It's best, if you witness certain things first hand, but it still could help to document the occasions you get calls from your son for your assistance and the reasons why.

If you son join's in with documenting (he really needs to), he will need to be very careful to secure his documentation so his partner can't gain access in any way.  Perhaps you can be the depository for documentation (i.e. you keep the thumb drive & make extra copies).

Your son needs to realize that he has to get busy with documenting. Things can't get better until he does.  A good place to start, is to make a plan for documenting.  As best possible, go back in time and document things like the day the gun was pulled.  Phone call records & texts could help.

The guns need to disappear.