I am so sad

[Cinnamonx7]

  I’m tired of being hurt and I feel I’m unable to be strong anymore. It is so hard and I need support. This affects my health.

[Longterm]

Hi Cinnamonx7 and welcome.

Why dont you start by telling us a little bit about your situation, we are listening.

LT.

[Cinnamonx7]

He has be misdiagnosed all his life. His doctors are scared to say he has BPD but they only see him maybe 15 minutes per a couple times of year. No counseling..just anti- depression meds.

I wrote a long note as being someone who has experienced and survived his personality nearly 24/7 over 21 years and they refuse to help.

He has been referred over and over to different doctors that won’t listen.

I have to,be the entire support system and I’m in heart failure , a diabetic, and numerous other problems.

I’m unable to survive my own personal emotional pains due to always addressing his which have gotten worse over the years.

Now he’s detached. And totally unbearable when going through these things I call jeckel and Hyde episodes.

He was suppose to,be my caregiver and he cannot do that or see what important responsibilities he is leaving undone in those moments.

Like, I had to save his home from foreclosure twice.


Edit: recently placed in crisis stabilization unit for his behaviour.
As soon as he was out he went right back to Risky behaviour stuff and being really angry and detached.

Unappreciative that as I have mobility and health problems I had to be the one to save his home and take care of all his business. He;p save his employment, etc.

Today, he is in another episode and left me trying to hook up my oxygen alone and was irate because he couldn’t get atomizer to work for his ecig...

[White Feather]

Hi there, I did reply to your supportive message on my post, but have just read your situation, which is by the sounds of it very similar. I am so sorry to read that you have health issues too. Struggling with the two must be so hard and sound so very brave. It is the lack of empathy that makes it difficult for us nons to get our heads around. "How can they not understand" " How can they not see" "How can they just watch me cry" a million hows . From what you have said your dad is on medication does this help, is he taking it correctly or not at all. He seems that he is tentatively in the mental health system. Does he volunteer to go himself because of the depression he is experiencing? My father had a Counselor several years ago because he was actively seeking out ways to commit suicide. The Counselor concentrated on that and nothing else, but he was told he had very bad anger issues and should live alone and away from others! My father is very high functioning so will not admit it or recognize that he needs help. It sounds that your father is "acting out" and the fact he has been in a crisis stabilization unit recently probably denotes that he is more lower functioning and unable to contain his impulses and behaviour . Is there anyone that you could liaise with if your father was placed in the unit again? Maybe a change of medication would help If he was actually correctly diagnosed. If you are his only next of kin perhaps you could be able to highlight more of what is actually happening at home with medical staff during a visit to him. Just trying to think of a practical solution, as he is already on the "Mental Health" radar it is slightly better than if he was not. The anger and detachment thing is awful to be around I hope both of our fathers come out of it soon,fingers crossed!

[Harri]

Hi and welcome.   

I am so sorry to hear of your health issues and struggle with your pwBPD (person with BPD).  Can I ask what the relationship is?  Is this man your father, brother, friend or SO?  Regardless, we can help you, I simply want to make sure we have you on the correct board so you get the best input for your situation.

In the meantime, do you have anyone else who can help you with your own health issues?  That might help take some of the pressure off of you while we work on helping you with the rest.

[Cinnamonx7]

I’m not a doctor and I of course cannot read his mind but I never experience seeing the depression side of it.

Sorry, I’m not sure how this font got so big!

We are a  “made up” family—that’s the only way I can describe it. A father/daughter relationship in which the original hopes or at least his promise to me was to provide unconditional love as a parental figure. This turned very south. I will clarify now that we have NEVER been anything but, however... it seems his intentions may have been more related to some of the disorders he has.

This is hard to talk about on an open forum...and is very complex and deep. I would have to go into my backstory of childhood abuse and why I wanted my own family at that stage in my life.

Naive on my different levels, for sure. I had no idea he did not have the skills to parent. But he had always assured me I was the best thing that happened to him and he would get the help he needed.

Over 20 years later, it has only gotten worse. And, although I have been loyal to him, keeping his secrets, forgiving him over and over again and again...vowing to not give up on him and love him unconditionally; forsake my own needs emotionally to be support for him— I am finally at a place that I feel I cannot do it anymore.

I am starting to resent him. As in, what gives you the right to ruin the only life i have when you pleaded for me to be your daughter and to love me also unconditionally...

Especially now—when he knows how weak my heart is and how sick I am.

When he is in an episode non of it matters and he is irresponsible with my health.

When he is not having episodes, he can be super loving and caring but I’m not sure anymore how sincere it is because of things he says during an episode.   


He has always been estranged from his own family and always wanted a family, and I had longed for a father (was very young then).

So, we had a father/daughter type relationship (compared pretty similarly to how the family took in the basketball player) but I would say it is more just friends now—at least that’s how I feel.  I would not allow him to adopt me as an adult (adults can be adopted) after I learned more about him.

He tells everyone I’m his daughter. He certainly does not treat me like that. Possibly, he also wanted to appear to be normal or what he perceives as being normal. He said people always assumed he was gay because he did not have wife or kids.
So, his true motives are becoming more confusing to me.

It seemed like a blessing at first, but then his personality disorders, etc began to manifest.

Over the years, it has gotten worse and I started to learn the patterns.

It seems his episodes is always more “work-related” stress that starts him on this downward spiral.

He went though several layoffs year after year. Now, he struggles to find work as an older male—so it’s even more anxiety for him.

And it seems like he does not like any responsibilities. I always thought in the early days that he was an underachiever or lazy.

He has always preferred to just sleep and eat and maybe a hobby now and again. Was never very social.

He does have an extreme anxiety of being homeless...I think because he doesn’t really have anyone to rely on with no true friends or family...except me.

But when I got really sick, he de-valued me—I guess.

His personality is as such that he can be superficially charming to complete strangers. Or, to co-workers. And, those who are around him long enough start noticing something is off—whether it’s sarcastic behavior or whatever and problems arise.
He cannot keep a job.

But they have no clue how he really is. In fact, when he opened up to me-he said he spends all day at work pretending to be someone he is not and then he brings all that bottled up anger home and takes it out on me.

He has a conscious as far as knowing how he is treating me is wrong, but not until he reboots. It’s becoming more difficult to get to the re-booting.

I would say within the last year he really has gotten worse with lack of empathy, more unstable moods, anger, irrational thoughts, sleeping too much, detachment


He is in impulsive and makes very bad decisions or unable to make any decisions at all.

He said he needs my brain to function and that puts so much burden on me, especially now.

He talks to himself as though he is having a conversation with an invisible person. But during episodes he talks in outbursts.

I believe he has many things going on or at least simply through my own experience being around him.

It seems a little a.d.d. I’m not sure about bipolar because he doesn’t have the highs and lows. And every test he has taken says he is not bipolar.

He does not hear voices he said , but as I have said he has conversations for hours with invisible person.

He makes up lies. A lot. He over-exaggerates things too.

He will put words in people’s mouths that he wanted them to say. Only to find out they never said it as that or the conversation never happened.

Medicine does not seem to help. At least those he’s been on. For instance, he sleeps way too much. So sedatives are not good.

The epilepsy medicines make him worse. Anti-depressants do not seem to work. As far as I know, he takes them as prescribed.

But here is what I want to explain about the sleeping—
If he started a new job he will jump through every hoop to be likable by his supervisor. That’s saying he could bite my head off for asking him to please help me with a medical need but if his supervisor called at 3 am he would be more than happy to do whatever.

UNTIL- the supervisor brings up an issue with him or he is written up for something. Now, the supervisor is also in the de-valued boat. Rinse, repeat.

He has very low self esteem.  So it is crucial to him to always be thanked for doing anything and that he’s done a good job. He calls it “atta boy.”

He absolutely despises his father and siblings and always have.
And he blames his father for the way he is.

I feel like I’m tattle -telling ...but I have told him I needed support. He agrees I should have someone to talk to and he does seem very willing to get help and that keeps me fighting for him and standing by his side.

Doctors have failed me and I know how that works.

However now I’m just behind hurt that he would totally neglect me after I’ve been by his side all these years when his own family disowned him.

I’m lost. I’m loyal as a dog—and feel guilty if I just say whatever, good luck , good bye.

He will have an extreme episode that makes me cry for hours and puts strain on my heart and then he can be back to as normal as you might call it in a few hours. Never affecting his vitals whatsoever.

[White Feather]

When you said in my message bored that it was to the 'T' with regards to your situation on reading your back story mine is very very similar. I had an abusive mother (diagnosed NPD) and an absent biological father. I was blessed as I had wonderful grandparents that where my rocks but basically I had a childhood that was extremes heaven and hell! My grandparents both passed away 20 years ago and before my grandfather passed he said to "find my biological father as I needed someone in my corner with regards to my mothers terrible behaviour". Two years later I did locate him, we had intellectually a lot in common but I felt immediately that something was what I can only describe as "off" with him. He was a very lost soul and I took him under my wing and mistakenly thought as I am a natural empath that I could help. I have to a degree but I didn't realise the severity of BPD it took me years trying to work out what an earth was wrong with him, and I guess I was relieved when it all fell into place. I have a medical background and always try and logically address problems and take action. This one is so hard, what you have said about your fathers behavioural patterns is exactly the same as mine. I think in my case it is difficult to let go because I so wanted and needed a father that I am stubbornly hanging on in there, to my detriment. I feel the resentment too and it is not a healthy emotion. You very clearly have tried all that you can and understand the dynamic only too well. As my dad is elderly and does not have any other support I will stay in his life until the end. I have just got to have better coping strategies. I wish you peace and improved health.

[Cinnamonx7]

Even worse this morning. I told him he should go to hospital instead of work. The most erratic I have seen yet and threats. I recorded it all.
I’m sorry I’m am too ...upset atm and can’t even see the words I’m typing through tears to see all that you have written. I will try to come back later after I try to,stablbalize my heart
I want to call his supervisor and alert him he should not be driving I don’t know what to do
If I could, I would catch a flight out to,so,e place else he said such hurtful things and more lies outright lies just throwing false information at me and there is no,reasoning with him at all
But we have animals and I’m trying to keep eye on them
Thank you for your support

[White Feather]

I am so sorry to hear things have got worse, sending a lot of hugs to you. It's because he is out of control his unkind words are his own. They are not aimed at you but a reflection of his own self loathing. Please do not take them to heart try and be calm for your own health. My father does similar and I think he is going to hurt himself or others. He then comes back like nothing has happened. Have you a friend that you can go round to talk to. Or a helpline like the Samaritans just to get some perspective. I wish I could say more to help. My thoughts are with you as I am sure are many many others who have read your post. Keep strong.

[Cinnamonx7]

I do not know the Samaritans. Is it people you call? Or do you mean someone with a good heart to help me in that context,as good samaritans?

It took me a very long time to self-diagnose him, too. I took all the online tests I could and answered each one honestly if I were answering on his behalf. The score was high BPD.

Then, I started looking at videos and finding research papers and other documents. Anything I could find.

We watched a video together and he was shocked to see “someone” like him.

But his doctors are very, very reluctant to call it BPD.

I tried to explain in a letter where they have seen him a mere 15 minutes twice a year—that he has been my capuchin experience; or,Jane Goodall. In that, I have been able to witness every single aspect of these behaviors.

When they occur. How,often. What makes it worse. Should there be a consequence and how he reacts if there is or isn’t.

If I’m calm and soften spoken, vs engage in defense. It doesn’t matter.

The difference now is that he has lost all sense of reality and perception is very skewed.

He self-medicates by the thing (you know most males do) to try to relieve the tension but it’s not what is considered socially normal and is probably another disorder on its own or some type of OCD. But when I discovered it, it broke me.

I now was reliving abuse—the very thing I was trying to heal from my childhood.

So I kept silent. I tried to cope on my own. I tried to have talks with him. Each time he’d promise it would not happen again and it would.

I feel I was prey. At first being pretty naive and then later vulnerable due to illness. He shows some NPD by my own researching. Some HPD, OCD, A.DD, BPD—and it has destroyed me I think. He does not like strong-willed people (male or female).

I’m great-full he did not “raise” me.

He’s flippant and condescending.

He’ll give me compliments and say things that are more fatherly and the very same day call me a b*&^%h and de-value me based on my health—such as: well it’s not like you can work all you can do is lay in bed all day.

I say you treat me as a roommate or an ex-girlfriend you hate. But you tell me I’m your daughter and you tell everyone I am.
They all think he is the worlds best dad and takes such good care of me; adores me. All facade.

It would be a huge shock for them to know the truth.

He tells me he doesn’t know what is wrong with him, but also feels he is BPD now.

His only understanding is relationship he had with his family and being unsuccessful in career. It doesn’t sway from those two things.

He said he always has to do the work no one else wants and never paid what he is worth. That he keeps going backwards in pay. And he blames his father that he was molded into believing a man works and provides for the family and that’s it.

When he is not working he feels he is worthless, yet in same breath he always wants to retire or at least have a job he considers “cake”.

That would be defined as working from home and sleeping most of the day while getting paid.

He has gotten extremely irresponsible with household maintenance. No motivation to do anything. Fix anything.
Clean anything. Mow the yard, nothing.

But he will give his all for any new company he begins employment with. Then, will find ways to slack there too.

You’re right. This is one tough disorder to love someone through.

To answer the other question:
I have a medical team of doctors who look after my health with several check-ups. But not an aide. 

Thanks for listening.





 

[White Feather]

Hi again,

Sorry about Samaritans reference it is not applicable in your Country.. Over here it is a brilliant call centre that you can ring pretty much about anything if you are in "Crisis" with no one to talk to, they are trained just to listen and are very professional. I could highlight pretty much all of your post and say same here.. The way I am spoken to how I am placed on a pedestal then knocked off it minutes later. My father admits when he is calm (not very often) that he has "issues", he also is very high marking on the BPD DSM criteria. He is very cunning though and portrays himself as a socially awkward, charming and helpful individual to others whilst "indoors" he is a ticking time bomb. It is difficult to tell people what you are seeing isn't the reality. The bottom line it is Emotional Abuse regardless of why they do it, the affect is the same whatever their intent.I blame myself sometimes for not having more firm boundaries, which is ridiculous really. My boundaries where set by my dysfunctional mother whom I had to emotionally care for, or take a beating. It is absolutely not our responsibility to make ourselves ill looking after people that will not address their problems and have the inability to self assess. I am a little annoyed today at the whole situation and how the hell I fell into it. I do have absolute faith that all this will pass and I will have the life that I do deserve. I brought a ring the other day that said "I love you" and it was a present to myself. I wish the absolute same for you all the best..

[Cinnamonx7]

I didn’t know we were in different countries. A bit bummed by that. You don’t know how much you’ve helped me just by listening but even more importantly, someone who understands.

It’s so cool about your ring! We need these reminders when the most important person in your life can’t find the words or even a simple gesture or expression to let us know we are all on the same side.

Sometimes the only way I can get through this— is to remember how he treated his own mother at a very young age and he said she was a saint.

He describes her as a bit over- religious but believes that was her self-medicating from his dad verbal abuse or neglect.

It makes me understand how much he has no control over emotions when I think about his relationship with his mother. Then, I can try to tell myself “do not take it personally.” It is a mental disorder.

The change of heart comes when he he doesn’t seem to try to make small changes to get better-with or without the help of doctors.

Because he was in the dark about what was wrong with him most of his life, but especially as a child. However now there is a wealth of information that he could be perusing himself if he truly cared to take initiative and stop hurting himself and the people he says he cares about. There aren’t many. All turn their backs on him.

I look back on the horrendous abuses I went through and most  were at the development stage (1-5) and I can’t understand  that if I could be strong enough to not let that define me, then why can’t he just say—ok he was a bad father and screwed me up but I’m not going to validate how he treated me so it also ruins my life as adult or carry this around all my life.

So then you become super  analytical and start making excuses for their disorder...try to find something to justify it  
And then you’re consumed with trying to do the work the doctors are failing to do.

You have to go back and understand the brain. How it is the control center. Now your super brain specialist. NOPE. It is a way to cope and try to help someone who might not be able to be helped if they don’t want it.

All the while, you begin neglecting yourself. Then you learned you have just become a victim/survivor and have spent your life trying to “fix” it.

I guess we will have to learn to love them or leave them?

I’m using those very short times of compassion as a small light in a dark tunnel and that he will hopefully find his way out of the darkness and we are both free. Rays of hope. Hope is my rope.

Be well! And here another hug ((you).

[White Feather]

Hi again, Just wanted to say thank you for your sent hug/s and reply. Where ever we live it is all the same dynamic and our scenarios are so very similar. My father was also very close to his mother and loved her very much (she was also religious and was apparently very sweet and kind). I hope things are better today for you, I have had to break the Silent Treatment that he has being doing for 2 days, and have had to totally ignore that it was all due to one of his episodes. That he will never get treatment for (everyone else is flawed apart from him)! Anyway I have realised that I have now mentally distanced myself from him in a good way. He cannot love me or anyone else because he does not even like himself, I have zero expectations anymore, and I feel peaceful and calm. I am just going to look at it like I live pretty much in a Psychiatric ward which I have to remain calm, help when I can and it is safe to do so. He is elderly and has no one so I will stay but I realise that he will never be of any support to me, he just is unable to be there. I hope all works out for you and today has been calmer for you. Virtual hug and positive vibes being sent your way.

I am also very interested to know if anyone else out there reading this.. Does know what the talking to yourself thing is about my father does it when he is having an episode like Cinnamons. He is extremely agitated and it is almost like he is getting instructions from an invisible third party as to what to do. It does really creep me out and I cant bear looking at him when he does it, and in all honesty he is so enraged he probably wouldn't see me. I would be interested to know what this is called.

[Cinnamonx7]

White Feather,
This board and your story (and those of others) I think has finally given me the strength to cope better. I’m also feeling a since of calm. Still saddened by the time lost not understanding what was wrong —and Perhaps the what could have been.

But I’m going to make a huge effort to live just in the moment. Surround myself with positive things and things I love and I’m going to survive all this.

The only reason I’m bummed you are far away is because I thought it would be cool if we could hang some day! Kinda like well...you dad’s go ahead and be grumpy but we are gone fishin’ LOL-

My dad is wanting to get help. He just feels no one can help him because he has been to so many doctors.

Each time he has reboot, (I forget the correct term so I call it this —is it regulate?) —I have deep conversations with him and of course I have many questions.

The main one is—are the things you say how you really feel about me or is it just in anger.

When he responded “what did I say? “ It was an epiphany. I reminded him of the hurtful words he said —such as “my life was ruined the day you walked through my door...”
He looked deflated. He said “No baby. I Don’t remember saying that and it’s not how I feel.”

I told him that we had a few options. I could leave, and he wouldn’t have the burden of trying to love me. That we could remain friends, even father/daughter but further apart.

That we could just go our separate ways —all together.

Or, That we could create spaces to resort to when he’s having episodes -while he continues to find the right doctor and get the help he deserves.

He chose the latter and still insists that he does not want to treat me the way he does and he wishes he could just retire, not worry about finances and work and stressors that come with it—so that he could spend more time with me.

Mind you, I have heard similar compassion before, learn to trust him again—only to be hurt again when he goes into a worse episode than ever before.  

I feel now —I get it. It really isn’t about us. It’s is as you say a lot to do with their inability to love themselves.

I do want the close bond. I long for it—always have. My birth mother abandoned me—so it has felt as rejection all over again.

I’m going to learn more how to use the new tools I have of accepting it for what it is—and Make myself happy and not depend on him or anyone else.

It starts with things like your affirmation ring.

I would like to know too.  I can tell you that my dad explained it partly as being a voice, but it is his own voice and he believes he is trying to work out a problem. (alike what he is going to say to a bully boss).

He also said he felt very alone growing up. No one to play with and he had an invisible friend. Maybe this coping continued from childhood?

Whatever the reason is -that he can or cannot understand (it is soothing to him). He tries to work things out in his mind first and the responses come out aloud. He also would like to know why he does this and is unaware when he does it as speaking to an invisible person.

It can go on for hours.  When I showed him the cloud cam, he did not have a memory of it and feels that was something different than his “usual” talking to “himself” for sure.

I am also very interested to know if anyone else out there reading this.. Does know what the talking to yourself thing is about my father does it when he is having an episode like Cinnamons. He is extremely agitated and it is almost like he is getting instructions from an invisible third party as to what to do. It does really creep me out and I cant bear looking at him when he does it, and in all honesty he is so enraged he probably wouldn't see me. I would be interested to know what this

[Harri]

Hi Cinnamonx, thanks for the additional information.  You certainly have been through a lot and are still dealing with many difficult things.

You mentioned that you have medical doctors that check your condition and that is good.  I am wondering if you also have a counselor or therapist that you work with or would be interested in getting one to help you cope with your past and even work on developing some coping skills for your present situation.  Is that something you are interested in pursuing?

I do have a question.  You wrote:

He self-medicates by the thing (you know most males do) to try to relieve the tension but it’s not what is considered socially normal and is probably another disorder on its own or some type of OCD. But when I discovered it, it broke me.

What are you referring to?  masturbation?  How does it break you?

Thanks for sharing more of your story.

[Cinnamonx7]

You mentioned that you have medical doctors that check your condition and that is good.  I am wondering if you also have a counselor or therapist that you work with or would be interested in getting one to help you cope with your past and even work on developing some coping skills for your present situation.  Is that something you are interested in pursuing?

I would love a therapist. But I do not have insurance. I would like a healing on past and present. I formed a relationship with my “dad” as a way to heal but as I have tried to explain, he should have never took me in as my own problems as an abused child and abandonment, neglect and ...M*** and R***

It caused me to be asexual...or whatever the definition is is absolutely no interest in sex.

But luckily, I’m kind-hearted, but sad.

Sometimes I feel like the best thing for me is to talk to someone not with a book knowledge or medical degree, but some one who actually has the experience and understand it on a personal level.

There was one such doctor I found who is no longer in practice.

What are you referring to?  masturbation?  How does it break you?

Thanks for sharing more of your story.

Yes, I was referring to M*. It was the images I discovered that broke me. I understand *M is natural and healthy. I could not process the attraction to the content...

I didn’t even know what fetishes were then. Or that some people are attracted to other things, like feet! That is not the images he had, I’m just saying I thought sex was just man+woman+ missionary-back then.

[White Feather]

Hi Cinnamon,

It would have been so good to meet up face to face and 'put the worlds to rights' and have a break from our dads, but we are so lucky to be able to communicate with each other and all of the others in the same boat. It took me many years to realise that however astute I am I simply could not cope with this on my own. I know that my mothers treatment of me because of her NPD (I was the scapegoat) has made my boundaries with others not firm/solid enough. Sadly it is a fact that when we have poor boundaries people that suffer from NPD BPD or both are parasitic and drawn to our empathy (and people pleasing qualities). When you said you where as "Loyal as a dog" totally got that, it is a wonderful quality if we where all the same and lived in a perfect world. You sound like you are being proactive and very logical and I am so pleased. At least your dad does have some recognition that there is a problem with him. Mine sadly truly does not he says that he has "issues" when he is relatively calm, but he is just placating me so I fill his empty cup (with holes in) with sympathy and positive affirmations. I know it is not his fault and I would in all honesty not want to be on this earth with such thin skin and self loathing it would be way too much and beyond my comprehension. So I truly admire the fact that he has "functioned" on this earth for 75 years when he clearly is very troubled. I also feel with myself because he in essence rejected "the prospect of me being his child" and did not see me as a baby.. That I cannot cope being rejected again so I tolerate his behaviour and episodes more than anyone else would. He knows this I am sure but instead of being pleased he has me in his corner, he draws every last bit of emotional support out of me, and rages and screams at me for my efforts, that is so very cruel regardless of whether he is doing it deliberately.. Upshot of this is we have to take care of ourselves and pull from within every bit of strength we are able. Talking to friends, counsellors keeping it "out there" so we do not internalise all this stuff also is essential (I realise that now) To know and really believe we are worthy of love, respect and kindness from others. I know that is 100% the key to all of this. The "Hope is my rope" phrase you used is so true hold onto the rope bring it to you and embrace it. Think its going to take work and a long time to truly get there but we will I am in no doubt.

[Turkish]

He said he needs my brain to function and that puts so much burden on me, especially now.

Parents should not treat their children as proxies for a physically or emotionally absent spouse. Period. It's emotional child abuse.  It's a role reversal which can extend into adulthood, and many of us here Have experienced it.  This sounds like it's been happening since you were or were close to being a minor.

Parentification is the physical caretaking role reversed between parent and child. Emotional or Covert Incest is the proxy spouse emotional caretaking role reversal (and it's not even healthy in a romantic relationship). See here:

https://bpdfamily.com/content/was-part-your-childhood-deprived-emotional-incest

Let us know what you think of that article,  does it feel familiar?

[Cinnamonx7]

https://bpdfamily.com/content/was-part-your-childhood-deprived-emotional-incest

Let us know what you think of that article,  does it feel familiar?   

   Yes, it does. And it is a trigger but it’s not your fault. I did not know there was a name for it.
I wish I go deeper into it. But he has already gone flippant on me saying I’m spilling my guts...when I write on notepad and allow him to make sure I’m stating fact and get his approval,out of respect.

He ask me to get support then in a day later upset I have support group.
And I told him I don’t care about what you say anymore you keep it up and I will go NC! He said what is NC?
Ha! Non of his business.

[Harri]

Cinnamon, it is important that you have a safe and private place to post about your experiences and thoughts.  I am concerned at the level of control he has regarding what you write here.  You need to be free to post without being monitored. 

[Cinnamonx7]

He does not know where I’m posting. I write my feelings in note and copy, paste. So, I have a safe place.

The only reason I needed his input on the other posting was because he has shared a lot about his childhood but I did not want to make a mistake of posting a memory of those stories that was wrong.

He is the one who told me I need someone to talk to months ago. But then he will say I don’t like the internet.

I told him I could not take it anymore and that I was getting too depressed  and was not feeling so good about the thoughts I was now having. Plus it affects my health.

I feel empowered now. I’m not going to let  him bully or abuse me anymore and expect me to just keep taking it. Reaching out and letting this pain out has been the best thing for me so far!

Plus, it’s not like I’m saying everything he has done to me. I’m still protecting his mean ol’ self.

[Turkish]

None of his business. Good. Boundary (which is about you, not him).

We are all anonymous here. Think of this as your safe space, as it is for all of us here. I would encourage you to stop letting him read what you post. You are a unique individual, as are we all, and deserving of a safe place to share.

[Cinnamonx7]

I let him read the part about when he was a young boy and was kicked out of the home. I had some confusion about all the facts of it. So I thought it was respectful to let him fact check that part that was in bold.

He would lose his temper for sure if he saw the other stuff I have posted. That’s why I don’t let him see the site I’m on or my screen name so I have a safe place to open up.

He is afraid I’m going to release all these videos I have of him in psychotic episodes. He is so,worried about what others would think about him but not what I think about him and the hurt and pain and destruction he caused me.

I do feel his doctors should be interested to see them since they can’t seem to help him with their 15 minute sessions.

[Turkish]

c7,

Can you step back from sharing with him how you are helping yourself here?  This space is for you. I know it sounds like it's hard to step back a bit...

T

[Cinnamonx7]

Can you step back from sharing with him how you are helping yourself here?   

Absolutely, I will.

 It was his idea I find a support group!
But as usual, he is one way one second and a different person the next. His way of keeping control over me.

[Turkish]

I encourage you to take ownership of his idea,and make your space here about you.  Make your sharing here about taking care of you. 

[Cinnamonx7]

Why are doctors so afraid to diagnose BPD when the patient and his loved ones, friends etc see the connection?

Is it because WHERE he is receiving or trying to receive treatment? He is a veteran so it’s the VA. They don’t have the best track record.

I honestly cannot understand how they expect to DX correctly when all they do is dispense useless  meds. Do not counsel and just paper whip it for 15 minutes a few times a year.  

It’s appalling to me. I feel so sorry for those stuck in the long. Line too. Appointments are so hard to get. I keep pleading for him to pay out of pocket and go some where else.

And if your on meds, you probably should see how it’s effecting your organs etc.

My doctors won’t even allow me on a diuretic for more than 3 months without a kidney function test.    

[Harri]

Hi. 

The doctors you refer to here, are they psychologists?  Some doctors are biased against pwBPD, some are neutral so it is hard to say why in your fathers situation.

As far as the VA, I have heard mostly positive reviews of the treatment for veterans though I know not all VA centers are the same.  Have you directly stated you and he think he may have BPD and asked for an evaluation?  When he is very dysregulated have you ever taken him to an emergency room for evaluation?  I wonder if that would get the ball rolling.

[Cinnamonx7]

He sees both kinds. The psychologist is new and evaluating now. He has gone to ER one lady said he was paranoid and wasting her time.
He was suppose to file a complaint as his treating doctor  said she had no right to say that. But as you know BPD have problem with following through. At least he does.

Another doctor he tried to see told him to reduce caffeine intake...

[Longterm]

This thread has reached its posting limit and is now locked. Please feel free to continue the conversation in a new thread. Thank you for your participation.

LT.