My awful lifetime movie

[Depression = 72% of members]

I'm not even sure where to begin. I will try to be as brief as I can but this is a story spanning 5 years.

The gist is my H met a woman on the train commuting to work. She kept on moving her seat closer until she was next to him and befriended him. She worked him "as a friend" talking about her bad home life (she was married to a woman at the time and had a son from a previous extremely short lived marriage). The way H describes it, she pushed to go further and every step along the way, he fought but felt powerless. Come to find out, his childhood made him prime for the picking...low self esteem, self hatred, addictive personality, abandonment issues, conflict avoider, people pleaser, etc.

They had an affair. I found out and he tried to end it numerous times only to go back to her. I finally kicked him out and he came back begging for help. We got him in a rehab (not for drugs persay, but his strong addiction to her). She found out and flipped out. She managed to get pregnant right before he went into rehab and broke him out of rehab. I went no contact with him as did our kids. He begged to come back and I agreed that if he signed separation papers to protect me and our children and moved close by for 6 months we could work on things. I knew OW (didn't realize she was BPD/NDP at the time) was out for his money and everything else.

During those six months, she got to him again and guilted him since she was pregnant. He lost his job. After a while, he couldn't take it anymore. Right up until the baby was born, he was supposed to be working with a lawyer to work out what to do with the baby. After the baby came, she guilted him into moving in with her because it was his responsbility to take care of his son. He stayed there for a little over a year. She made him a stay at home dad and monitored every move he made (including going through his phone). She completely isolated him. He went through his entire retirement and got into a ton of debt supporting her. He tried to end things over and over again but kept on going back. He lived/s in fear of her. He was only allowed to see our kids when she allowed it (my kids refused to be around her or go to where he was living - an hour away). She would become manic when he was around the kids (and me since he was at our home). She would do everything to try to get him to divorce me and got all the paperwork and fill it out for him, had me served, and tracked him to see if he was going to the courthouse to file things. He actually asked my attorney what he could do to make it look like he tried to file.  He told the judge he wanted to drop it and my lawyer helped him concoct a story to tell her. Her other son has nothing to do with his father as she completely alienated him. As well as with his ex stepmom who raised him for 10 years.

Eventually, my husband got up the nerve to leave her and move back home about 2 1/2 years ago. He filed paperwork for shared custody, but her hatred of me is so extreme and irrational. She is adamant I am evil and I have ruined her life by not divorcing my husband and I will harm her son. She continued to work my husband and manipulate and brainwash him such that he agreed to a temporary custody arrangement (using unqualified moderators) where he could only see his son around her place and he wasn't allowed around me.

Well, that went on for a while. All the while, she is still guilting my husband to give her money and leave me and decided he was only with me because of our children and our marriage was fake.  If my husband tried to defend me or dispute her views, she would unleash on him.  She was physical a couple of times but my husband downplays it.  When he was there, she would hide his keys or cause such issues when he would try to leave.  She quit her job and sleeps all day and had to move in with her parents who basically do all the parenting. She blames her bad fortune on my husband so he has to save her. Meanwhile, she was seeing other guys on the side and lying to my husband about it. She even convinced him to get her a car rental (which she used to go see her boyfriend at the time).

My husband flipped when he found out and filed emergency orders to get the custody switched so he could have his son at our house like he should have originally. She went crazy as well. He was trained to be jealous and possessive of her. On the one hand, he lives in fear and hates her and wants her gone, but then she uses her manipulations and he feels sorry for her and does things he knows he shouldn't. Fast forward a few months and the courts finally mandated a temporary agreement. He had a meeting with his lawyer and she was literally parked outside waiting for him to come out to march him to the courthouse to drop the order. His lawyer read the texts she sent him and saw her outside and forced my husband to do what he can't seem to do on his own. His fear of her is paralyzing.

For a couple of months it was good. His son was coming to our home part time and loving every minute of it. He kept on saying he didn't want to be with mommy. She was mean and he didn't love her and he wants to live with us all the time. She typically sleeps all day and ignores him. This is a 3 year old begging to not go with mommy. Oh, and he has drugs in his system when he was born.  She smoked cigs, marijuana, took pills, drank a little throughout the pregnancy.  He is 3 1/2 and needs serious speech therapy.  She refuses to let him have it as she doesn't want people to blame her (he most likely has some version of fetal alcohol syndrome).  He's never gone to daycare, preschool, engaged with other kids his age.  She refuses.  

About a month ago, she flipped out and her family kicked her out. Her sister reached out to me to tell me what was going on. My H felt guilty and didn't know what to do so he arranged for her to crash at a friends house with their son. But, the "friend" is really mentally unstable so the two of them together was a recipe for disaster. My husband had to stay to mediate. Finally, that didn't work and now she's been motel hopping. Her parents filed paperwork to get custody of her other son and he told her that she's dead to him. Her sister got him in touch with his father to establish a relationship and her son is loving it.

The thing that bothered her the most about being homeless and losing her son...the fact that her sister involved me. Her irrational hatred of me is obscene. She barely lets me around my stepson and my husband is pertrified to set her off. She has caused numerous scenes over the past few weeks. He is scared for his son. My stepson told me "mommy says you are bad. Mommy hates you. She told me you are a piece of s***". He also said he thinks his mom should die and that he wants to live with us all the time. It's a mess. Now that her family cut her off, she has literally no one else besides my husband so she has doubled down on the abuse. He can't seem to get away from her. He is in fear constantly. She keeps him up all night with her manic episodes. He found his son wandering around outside the motel barefoot, no shoes, in pj bottoms and she didn't have a clue. She was just mad because my husband was in my car so that meant I knew what was going on with them.

She has decided he is going to divorce me finally and take care of her (since it's her only option since she refuses to work or take any responsibility) and won't take no for an answer. My husband understands he's being abused as is his son who is begging him to take him away from his mom, but he can't seem to break free.

He told me today, he just wants his normal life back but doesn't know if he can do what he needs to do. I know he loves me and I know he wants her out of his life, but this brainwashing is extreme. He is a mess. No sleep, not eating, intense stress, her paranoia, etc. He's been trying to start up this new business but she convinced him that he needs her in order for it to succeed. He knows in reality that's not true, but she knows exactly what to say to make him doubt himself and his abilities. If you have gotten this far, thanks for reading.

When my husband isn't around her and is free from her BPD/NPD, he's a great guy. But our marriage needs a lot of work to recover from this and we can't even begin unless she's gone. The amount of times she has threatened to kill herself is obscene. I appreciate any advice for others who have been there. I think her family did the right thing and am trying to get him to do the same, but he says he can't let her go live in a shelter. He gave me permission to speak with his IC to try to figure out what we can do to help him get away from her.  When he first met her, she told him that she is HIV to him and if he ever crosses her, she will become AIDS to him.  And that's exactly what she has done.  

[Grady]

I'm not even sure where to begin. I will try to be as brief as I can but this is a story spanning 5 years.

The gist is my H met a woman on the train commuting to work. She kept on moving her seat closer until she was next to him and befriended him. She worked him "as a friend" talking about her bad home life (she was married to a woman at the time and had a son from a previous extremely short lived marriage). The way H describes it, she pushed to go further and every step along the way, he fought but felt powerless. Come to find out, his childhood made him prime for the picking...low self esteem, self hatred, addictive personality, abandonment issues, conflict avoider, people pleaser, etc.

They had an affair. I found out and he tried to end it numerous times only to go back to her. I finally kicked him out and he came back begging for help. We got him in a rehab (not for drugs persay, but his strong addiction to her). She found out and flipped out. She managed to get pregnant right before he went into rehab and broke him out of rehab. I went no contact with him as did our kids. He begged to come back and I agreed that if he signed separation papers to protect me and our children and moved close by for 6 months we could work on things. I knew OW (didn't realize she was BPD/NDP at the time) was out for his money and everything else.

During those six months, she got to him again and guilted him since she was pregnant. He lost his job. After a while, he couldn't take it anymore. Right up until the baby was born, he was supposed to be working with a lawyer to work out what to do with the baby. After the baby came, she guilted him into moving in with her because it was his responsbility to take care of his son. He stayed there for a little over a year. She made him a stay at home dad and monitored every move he made (including going through his phone). She completely isolated him. He went through his entire retirement and got into a ton of debt supporting her. He tried to end things over and over again but kept on going back. He lived/s in fear of her. He was only allowed to see our kids when she allowed it (my kids refused to be around her or go to where he was living - an hour away). She would become manic when he was around the kids (and me since he was at our home). She would do everything to try to get him to divorce me and got all the paperwork and fill it out for him, had me served, and tracked him to see if he was going to the courthouse to file things. He actually asked my attorney what he could do to make it look like he tried to file.  He told the judge he wanted to drop it and my lawyer helped him concoct a story to tell her. Her other son has nothing to do with his father as she completely alienated him. As well as with his ex stepmom who raised him for 10 years.

Eventually, my husband got up the nerve to leave her and move back home about 2 1/2 years ago. He filed paperwork for shared custody, but her hatred of me is so extreme and irrational. She is adamant I am evil and I have ruined her life by not divorcing my husband and I will harm her son. She continued to work my husband and manipulate and brainwash him such that he agreed to a temporary custody arrangement (using unqualified moderators) where he could only see his son around her place and he wasn't allowed around me.

Well, that went on for a while. All the while, she is still guilting my husband to give her money and leave me and decided he was only with me because of our children and our marriage was fake.  If my husband tried to defend me or dispute her views, she would unleash on him.  She was physical a couple of times but my husband downplays it.  When he was there, she would hide his keys or cause such issues when he would try to leave.  She quit her job and sleeps all day and had to move in with her parents who basically do all the parenting. She blames her bad fortune on my husband so he has to save her. Meanwhile, she was seeing other guys on the side and lying to my husband about it. She even convinced him to get her a car rental (which she used to go see her boyfriend at the time).

My husband flipped when he found out and filed emergency orders to get the custody switched so he could have his son at our house like he should have originally. She went crazy as well. He was trained to be jealous and possessive of her. On the one hand, he lives in fear and hates her and wants her gone, but then she uses her manipulations and he feels sorry for her and does things he knows he shouldn't. Fast forward a few months and the courts finally mandated a temporary agreement. He had a meeting with his lawyer and she was literally parked outside waiting for him to come out to march him to the courthouse to drop the order. His lawyer read the texts she sent him and saw her outside and forced my husband to do what he can't seem to do on his own. His fear of her is paralyzing.

For a couple of months it was good. His son was coming to our home part time and loving every minute of it. He kept on saying he didn't want to be with mommy. She was mean and he didn't love her and he wants to live with us all the time. She typically sleeps all day and ignores him. This is a 3 year old begging to not go with mommy. Oh, and he has drugs in his system when he was born.  She smoked cigs, marijuana, took pills, drank a little throughout the pregnancy.  He is 3 1/2 and needs serious speech therapy.  She refuses to let him have it as she doesn't want people to blame her (he most likely has some version of fetal alcohol syndrome).  He's never gone to daycare, preschool, engaged with other kids his age.  She refuses.  

About a month ago, she flipped out and her family kicked her out. Her sister reached out to me to tell me what was going on. My H felt guilty and didn't know what to do so he arranged for her to crash at a friends house with their son. But, the "friend" is really mentally unstable so the two of them together was a recipe for disaster. My husband had to stay to mediate. Finally, that didn't work and now she's been motel hopping. Her parents filed paperwork to get custody of her other son and he told her that she's dead to him. Her sister got him in touch with his father to establish a relationship and her son is loving it.

The thing that bothered her the most about being homeless and losing her son...the fact that her sister involved me. Her irrational hatred of me is obscene. She barely lets me around my stepson and my husband is pertrified to set her off. She has caused numerous scenes over the past few weeks. He is scared for his son. My stepson told me "mommy says you are bad. Mommy hates you. She told me you are a piece of s***". He also said he thinks his mom should die and that he wants to live with us all the time. It's a mess. Now that her family cut her off, she has literally no one else besides my husband so she has doubled down on the abuse. He can't seem to get away from her. He is in fear constantly. She keeps him up all night with her manic episodes. He found his son wandering around outside the motel barefoot, no shoes, in pj bottoms and she didn't have a clue. She was just mad because my husband was in my car so that meant I knew what was going on with them.

She has decided he is going to divorce me finally and take care of her (since it's her only option since she refuses to work or take any responsibility) and won't take no for an answer. My husband understands he's being abused as is his son who is begging him to take him away from his mom, but he can't seem to break free.

He told me today, he just wants his normal life back but doesn't know if he can do what he needs to do. I know he loves me and I know he wants her out of his life, but this brainwashing is extreme. He is a mess. No sleep, not eating, intense stress, her paranoia, etc. He's been trying to start up this new business but she convinced him that he needs her in order for it to succeed. He knows in reality that's not true, but she knows exactly what to say to make him doubt himself and his abilities. If you have gotten this far, thanks for reading.

When my husband isn't around her and is free from her BPD/NPD, he's a great guy. But our marriage needs a lot of work to recover from this and we can't even begin unless she's gone. The amount of times she has threatened to kill herself is obscene. I appreciate any advice for others who have been there. I think her family did the right thing and am trying to get him to do the same, but he says he can't let her go live in a shelter. He gave me permission to speak with his IC to try to figure out what we can do to help him get away from her.  When he first met her, she told him that she is HIV to him and if he ever crosses her, she will become AIDS to him.  And that's exactly what she has done.  

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Gemsforeyes]

Dear Grady-

I want to welcome you to the boards and to our family.  You and your husband and your children have been, are going through a nightmare, for sure!  I am so sorry, my friend.

There is an enormous amount of information and support in this community.

I encourage you to begin reading through some of the resources and become familiar with the communication tools.  Find the readings on FOG - Fear, Obligation, Guilt - that seems to be what’s affecting your dear husband the most right now.  It’s going to be up to you to convince your H that he is NONE of the names she has called him. 

She has eroded his sense of himself.  Many of us have been there... your H no longer knows who he is... has he, or will he go to a T (therapist?). He needs to go.  And when things settle down, perhaps you will all go as a family.

How old are your children and how long have you been married?

This does appear to be a critical time for your H.  He’s likely carrying not only the FOG being thrown at him by the BPD /NPD woman, but I’m sure he has a TON of guilt over what he’s done to YOU.  How have you handled that part of your interaction, relationship, forgiveness?  Step lightly ... he is likely fragile right now.

Please feel free to continue posting about whatever comes to mind.  There are some very caring and supportive people here.

I believe you are a loving, compassionate and truly forgiving  woman.  I too, understand how people can be blindly swept into these relationships.  I am glad you’re willing to support your H through this and are open to helping that innocent child.  He will be fortunate to land in the arms of your loving family.

I’m going to contact the moderators and request that your post be moved to a different area so you will receive more attention.

Please stay with us, keep posting and learning.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes 

[Grady]

Hi Gems,

Thank you so much for your response.  I think you are spot on with everything you said.  H is in IC and loves his therapist.  But, she is not an expert in BPD so she's doing the best she can.  I am in IC myself and have been since this all started.  My IC is also not well versed in BPD but she gave me a book to read (Walking on Eggshells) which I started last week and has some helpful info in it.  We have 3 D's together (14 y.o. twins and 11).

Saying that she has eroded his sense of himself...that's an excellent way to describe it.  Today is yet another saga.  She had no hotel/place to go last night and H let her take his car to go somewhere and sleep in it while he came home with his son.  SS needed a bath and had a cold so he needed medicine and a safe and loving place to sleep.  I gave him all of that.  This morning, H and SS were asleep in our bed (SS refuses to sleep on his own as she started sleeping with him every night when H came back home 2 1/2 years ago...bad habit) after the rest of us left for work/school.  Since she had H's keys (with his car), she came to the house and walked in and found them in our bed and flipped out yet again because they aren't "allowed" to sleep with me or having anything to do with me.  She took off and H eventually found her and got his car back and now she's wandering aimlessly around my neighborhood.  H says he has to figure out what to do with her tonight because he won't just let her figure it out on her own.  Tomorrow is our 21st anniversary which she will do everything in her power to ruin as she has done every year since she's been in our lives. 

What area would be better for this post?  I wasn't quite sure. 

Thanks again.  I will continue to read and learn as much as I can.

[Gemsforeyes]

Hi Grady-

I would like you to post on the “Bettering”  board because of not only the relationship with your H, but also the potential and ongoing interactions with the BPD woman.  As much as you’d all LOVE to fully detach from her, that’s not going to happen any time soon.  

And on the detaching board, most folks are already No Contact and are working through the difficult  “emotional detachment” process.  Asking themselves the thorny questions of how they allowed themselves to get involved and pulled down so completely.  In due time, much later, you may wish to encourage your H to come to the detaching board and privately work through that.  But you’d need to allow him that and have the discipline and firm boundary to stay far away from his process.  Let him come to you when he’s ready.


But I digress...

So when there’s ongoing interaction, the “Bettering” board offers assistance and specific advice on how to approach situations.  Specific tools and discussions on situations.

There’s a lot of triangulation going on here.  I wish I knew how to provide links, but I’m OLD...61... I’d like you to read about the Karpman drama triangle.  There’s the perpetrator, victim and rescuer.  In your situation, this seems to be an ongoing theme.  BPD woman has set herself up as the victim, you as the perpetrator and your H as the rescuer.  This has got to STOP.  

Your H appears to have kind of intense codependency traits, sorry if I’m being too presumptuous.  Has he displayed these type of traits prior to the entry of the BPD woman?

I was (I’m way better now) very codependent.  It was VERY hard to accept because reading the list of traits was highly insulting to me.  I “HAVE” my own emotions.  When I watched a video by a woman named Julia Kristina more kindly explain codependency, I responded rather than reacted.  So much of this is how WE “respond”.  We need to stop “reacting”.

Do you understand?

Please pay attention.  Your love is there.  I believe your love is there.  And worth fighting FOR.  Make certain your husband KNOWS that.  

And the most important thing I can tell you... and this has been a long long road for me, Grady.  I came out of a 19-year emotionally abusive marriage with an uNPD/uBPD man, only I didn’t know it.  My marriage ended the night he threw me across the room and into a door.  And still I couldn’t admit it.  I admit it now.

I’m now in a 6-year relationship with a uBPDman (a truly GOOD man).

The key is ME.  The work I’ve done on myself.  What I’ve learned, how I speak, the communication tools I use.

So your H AND you need to focus on your OWN behaviors.  Not HERS.  The tools here will teach you language, validation, listening with empathy, reducing conflict.

I am so sorry for what your family is enduring.  You’re all going to get through this.  The sun will rise.  Believe it will.  

If she is incapable of caring for the child, can your H seek an emergency hearing to take temporary custody?  His T needs to help him see he is NOT responsible for providing shelter in his car.

And I am SO GLAD you’re in therapy.

Your thoughts?

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

 

[Grady]

Thanks Gems,

Yes, what you are saying makes a lot of sense.  H is extremely codependent with her.  I didn't see these traits in the past.  It's almost as if she unleashed a whole slew of issues he had hidden deep inside himself stemming from his family of origin.  They are good people but he learned from an early age to tell them what they wanted to hear, their love was conditional, and he was on his own for a lot. 

Yes, he needs to contact his lawyer to get full custody (at least temporarily) and he knows that, but I think he's scared right now.  His fear drives his actions for the most part.  He always comes out of therapy saying and feeling one way and then he speaks with her and it goes out the window.  He has made many baby steps along the way (and steps backward), but at least he sees her for who she is at last.  He has a long way to go.  I suggested EMDR earlier this year and he liked it, but they were focusing only on childhood traumas that he didn't even realize he went through and he couldn't handle dealing with that and all the stuff in the present so he stopped going.  He needs to go back at some point.  I will go check the Bettering board as that does seem to be a better fit for what we are going through now. 

Thanks so much for sharing and caring.  It helps so much to know I'm not alone in this crazy BPD life.

[Gemsforeyes]

Dear Grady-

Maybe see if you can find the section on FOG - Fear, Obligation, Guilt and print that out for him to read through.  That can help him a ton.

Gems

[Grady]

Thanks!  I'll do that.

[Cloudy009]

Hi
So I usually come on these boards because I was abused by my parents including my BPD NPD MOM. Sometimes I take a break from my own stuff and read other people's problems on these boards.

My opinion might be hard to read but I'm just being honest. I was shocked reading this because at some point you have to hold your husband responsible.

I don't care how crazy the women is he had an affair with and what you can diagnose her with and what she is doing . Your husband is a grown man and has made the choice to be with her and continues to make the choice to be with her and listen to her and you will drive yourself insane trying to get this to stop but it may never stop.

Therapy if that is really what your husband needs to chose to be with you can take years and can lead him in all kinds of independent choices and decisions about his life which may not end up with you. No good therapist is gonna just tell him to go back to you. Thats not how therapy works. If he wants to do therapy on his own thats fine but that is his personal stuff.  This is a problem with you and him. If he wants to stay with you and work it out you could try couples therapy. This women though and his other baby is his problem mostly at this point unless of course you chose to get custody where you both will need to have firm boundaries about your marriage. You need your own boundaries about what you will and will not tolerate from your husband and his behavior. If you get custody this women will be a handful to deal with and you will both independently have to have boundaries with her but you can't keep trying to tell your husband to have personal boundaries he is not choosing to have. You need to have your own and your own with him.
If you do want to try to work it out and take custody of this child you will prob. have to consider if you can love him in a healthy way as a lot of abuse I got as a kid from my Dad's side is because I was born from an affair and since my father wanted to abort me when I was born he abused me and taught my older brother that I ruined his life by being born and he treated me poorly.
If you want this child in your life you will have to search in your heart if you can put this affair and this women aside and love this child purely  otherwise again this is your husband's problem. You also have to recognize at this point your husband has his own mind and if you chose to raise this child it sounds like there is still a possibility he may up and leave you again so you better be sure you can keep all those emotions towards him and the child's mother away from the child.

I will say I know what this feels like. I've been with my current boyfriend for 20 years on and off and maybe I shouldn't have taken him back but when we were younger I half cheated on him because we were having problems. He was an alcoholic  and fully left me for another girl shortly after and alcohol as he was sober at the time. I was also convinced she was crazy. She pursued him very aggressively while we were living together. She didn't care. I was always a non aggressive person. I called her and begged her not to take him from me and she was just mean as can be and didn't care. They worked together and I would go into the store where they worked and she would look at me and start dancing. I was like what is wrong with this person? You know what though as much as I begged them both they took off together. She was sleeping with multiple people he found out as she was pursing him.
She reminded me so much of my BPDMom. It was like she was totally bossy and he just got whipped by her and listened to everything she told him to do which was much like his relationship with his own toxic mother but that is no excuse for his actions. He chose to be with her. As much as I think she was a not so nice person. She has nothing to do with my relationship with my boyfriend.

I mean while was going crazy trying to prove how crazy she was but I was just driving myself crazy and at the end of the day I just messed up my own life more because of it. She moved on is married, has a kid, has tons of friends and a good career. My life is still a mess from my childhood trauma and its unfortunate this boyfriend did leave me for her but they didn't last long a few months before she dumped him. I'm sure if you just give up and let her have him it won't last forever but at this point it seems like she is gonna keep pulling him in and out of her life maybe forever. You can't change his choices or ignore them.

I wish I had worked on my life, my career, friends, healthy relationships, my self esteem but I didn't know how instead of abuse and drama. I'm really just learning how now at 40. At this point this boyfriend has been back in my life but I don't know now that I've gotten stronger if I would have let him back into my life now. I'm not the same person I was years ago but we are tied financially at this point and things are ok so it is what it is.

Honestly I'm very sad I didn't get to have kids in life but you get kids. I pray in some way I still get to experience that and I can tell you I believe kids are much more important than any man. I would much rather have kids at this point over any man and drama at this point in my life.

 You have abundance and healthy relationships to focus on instead of getting caught up in toxicity because at this point your relationship with your husband has become toxic.  This women is toxic and your husband is being toxic by listening to this women's drama but you are being toxic to for continuing to allow that in your life. Your husband is 100% responsible for his actions. I don't care what kind of trauma that is coming up from his childhood which might be making him make these choices or how crazy this women is. You can easily put you foot down with your husband and what you will allow in your life and your life will not be a lifetime drama. It can be very peaceful and peaceful for your children as they have to be picking up on all of this. If this women ends up in your life indirectly due to the child you will have to have healthy boundaries with her to but you need to learn to make them for yourself first.
 

[Cloudy009]

I meant to also say my heart goes out to you because I know how hard this has to be but you have to love yourself first.

[Grady]

Thank you Cloudy for your response. I am sorry to hear what you have gone through and appreciate you sharing to give me another perspective. I can assure you that I don’t hold anything against my SS. Nor does my H show favoritism to his children who weren’t the result of an affair. We recognize that every child is special. We went through years of fertility so we appreciate every child. SS had no control over the situation he was born into and should never be penalized. It saddens me to know you were.

I do put blame and responsibility on my H. Believe me, we have had many rounds about that. And I do know his therapy is for him and dealing with his own issues. And that does mean we may not always stay together. But it is what we both want right now. He has asked for help and that’s what I’m trying to give him. And my reactions thus far are based on the advice of my therapist. I have been seeing her since I first found out about the affair so she has been with me throughout everything.

His current relationship with this woman is not a loving one and he has no desire to spend the rest of his life with her. The FOG is what is working him right now. And the fact that she is homeless and literally has no one left to turn to. Once H finally stops responding to her, her options are homeless shelter, mental hospital, or jail. She has burned all her other bridges.

I am giving him tough love now. He knows if she comes to our house again I will call the police. The home is solely in my name (we removed his name a few years ago to protect her from trying to stake any claim) so he can’t stop me from pursuing legal action. I have done it in the past when necessary. I am also going to reach out to his lawyer to let her know BPD is homeless and SS is not safe with her. She will have an obligation to do something. If H is stuck in the FOG, that doesn’t mean I am and won’t do what is needed for my SS.

I try very hard to make sure our D’s have minimal exposure and get to just be kids. I make sure they do all the activities they want, spend time with friends and know they are so loved. And they adore their little brother. They fight over who can play with him. I also finally have a job I love. I am well respected at work and am able to focus and put this crap to the side when I’m at work. I think that helps me a lot. BPD never speaks to me or my D’s. She knows we are off limits. And she is scared of us because we don’t fear her and won’t fall for her crap.

So yes, she will always be in our lives to an extent. Right now is beyond excessive. But prior to the past month when her family kicked her out, we were handling joint custody without too much drama. We need to get back to that. This homelessness is just awful. I want H to drop her off at her parents and drive away. Let them deal with her.

I know I don’t want to continue to live like this and won’t. It’s not fair to anyone. And this homeless issue cannot continue for much longer. It’s not sustainable. She can’t afford shelter and she can’t camp or live on a bench for an extended period of time. And her son needs a home so it’s with us or she needs to get herself together and fight for him.

[Gemsforeyes]

Hi Grady-

I’m glad you’re posting on the family law board as well.

Have you considered removing the house key from your H’s key chain?  Gives me the creeps that he lends his car to BPD woman and your house key is on there.  (Especially after reading 1) that she came into the house the other day and found H and SS asleep; and 2) she previously stole his wedding ring from your bedroom.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[Gemsforeyes]

And Cloudy...

I am so so sorry.  You deserve a very pure love.  Please don’t “settle” for less than...

Warmly,

Gems

[Grady]

Thanks Gem. Yes, that board has been very helpful. The garage door is programmed into his car so even if I took the key away she could get in that way and we never lock that door. But I need to have another serious discussion with H about that.