So what does radical acceptance mean?

[Depression = 72% of members]

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So what does radical acceptance mean? Do you accept everything about them? Cheating, lying, silent treatment?

There is talk that deep down these people hate themselves. And since we love them anyway they distrust us because they know no normal person would love them so then too we are bad.

If there is truth to that wouldn’t radical acceptance feed into that distrust of us?

[ColdKnight]

Mod Note:  This post was split from here:  https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=339309.msg13076308#msg13076308  as the topic merits its own discussion.

So what does radical acceptance mean? Do you accept everything about them? Cheating, lying, silent treatment?

There is talk that deep down these people hate themselves. And since we love them anyway they distrust us because they know no normal person would love them so then too we are bad.

If there is truth to that wouldn’t radical acceptance feed into that distrust of us?

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[Harri]

Hi ColdKnight. 

You ask a good question and I want to make sure it is answered.   A lot of members misunderstand what Radical Acceptance (RA) means and I want to clarify if I can.

Radical Acceptance is not about accepting abusive treatment. 

Radical acceptance was developed by Marsha Linehan, PhD. from the University of Washington (see article) and is based on the ancient Zen philosophy that each moment is complete by itself, and that the world is perfect as it is. Zen focuses on acceptance, validation, and tolerance instead of change.  Mindfulness is “allowing” experiences rather than suppressing or avoiding them. It is the intentional process of observing, describing, and participating in reality non-judgmentally, in the moment, and with effectiveness. Ethereal as it may sound, Linehan's methods have been independently studied by clinical researchers and shown to be effective.

Radical acceptance is a concept everyone that interfaces with a borderline person should understand - be it a spouse, a child, and step mom, or an ex. 

There are three parts to radical acceptance.

~~The first part is accepting that reality is what it is.

~~The second part is accepting that the event or situation causing you pain has a cause. 

~~The third part is accepting life can be worth living even with painful events in it.

  From: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=89910.0

When you've radically accepted something, you're not fighting it.  It's when you stop fighting reality.  That's what radical acceptance is.

From: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=90041.0

Radical Acceptance is an important tool for anyone in a relationship with a pwBPD whether that person is an SO, parent or child with BPD.  It is also a useful concept when dealing with any difficult situation. 

[LoneRanger307]

When I think about radical acceptance, I think about just trying to cope the best way I can with what I have in front of me at that moment. That involves letting go of any expectations I had, letting go of what happened in the past. Just dealing with that moment. It might help to think of it as, what can I learn from this moment.

If someone cheats me, I could go into a rage or bring up things from the past. I could feel hurt that they are letting me down. I could be angry because my life is not supposed to be like this. I could be angry because THEY are not supposed to be like this.

Or I could just accept, that despite all that happened in the past, this is what has happened now. This other person behaved in this way. I don't have to like it, but I cannot change it at the moment. It is what it is. I can check in and notice how I feel about it. If needed I can use some of my own coping skills to help with any negative things I feel. Hopefully, letting go of the past or expectations or the future might help me just be in the moment with what it.

For example, my husband was supoosed to come over and watch our kid during dinner and put her to bed. But plans changed and he is not here. I could be really mad about it because an expectation I had was not met. I was unable to do things I planned tonight because I was instead busy with my kid. This could be really disappointing. I could be so mad about all this tonight that I stew on it at let it affect my tomorrow. But instead I was able to notice my disappointment and frustration early and then set it aside. It is what it is. I focused on my kid. It wasn't an easy evening but I'm not mad about it.

This is a pretty mild example. Its harder when someone is raging maybe or the emotional impact is greater. But if you can step out of the moment enough to observe it (mindfulness) you might be able to see a lesson or opportunity in it.

[LoneRanger307]

Could we have a thread on DBT skills? I have been struggling with wise mind recently. Should I just start a new one?

[once removed]

reality is what it is.

radical acceptance is basically the philosophy of "it is what it is".

[Harri]

Hey OR!  Yes, it is what it is.  

Accepting reality, without denial, or adopting the philosophy of it is what it is, is necessary before we can change anything.

Marsha Linehan says:  

So if you want things to change, accept them.  Then change them. Because when we talk about accepting reality as it is, we're not saying, 'Accept reality as it is and believe it can never change.' Reality is always changing.  If you want to have an influence on how it changes, you see your interest is to accept how it is right now.

LoneRanger well said.  Radical Acceptance and Mindfulness work together.  Yes, it is harder to do with more emotionally charged events or if someone is raging.  I think with the latter (raging), accepting that there is nothing you can do or say *in that moment* is the best that can be done.  It is not the time to have a conversation or attempt to be heard.  Nor is it the time to validate.

And yes, if you want to talk more about wise mind, go ahead and start a thread.