From "I love you" to "Never call me" - 6 month affair has ended I am devastated

[blackhole90]

Dear Members,

in March this year I met a girl at the library cafe in my town. We were sitting next to each other, when we started talking about current stuff we're doing. At some point I asked her, if she'd like to see a movie with me and she replied: "That would be nice, but I already got a boyfriend with whom it isn't working out that well." I asked if she could give me her number - in case things change - so she gave it to me.

3 days later I initiated a message, with wishing her well for the new job and asking her out for a drink. She replied, she's gonna be busy during the next days but a drink should fit in her mood soon.

10 days later I asked her what's up - she quickly replied: "I'm at a bar with friends, come along if you like." I went there, we had a few drinks and switched to another bar where we could be exclusively together. 5 hours passed and the evening ended with her, laying her head down into my lap and me stroking her hair.

3 days later I invited her for a walk. She replied that the interest that I'm showing is hard for her to handle even if it's friendship only and that the fact that she'll be moving out of town soon is putting her under a lot of stress, so she declined. But she'll be back someday, since her family and friends reside here, so that will meet up sometime later. I told her, I feel her and wished her well for the fresh start and waved goodbye. But then, she still kept being chatty, which is why I asked her if she already moved, three days later. She told me she's travelling back and forth, which is why she'll be in town tonight. I asked to pick her up from the station and she agreed. The intensity of the hug she gave me right after her arrival was something I have never experienced before. It felt like we were the only two people on earth and that we had finally found each other. I drove her home and she was thankful. The next day we had a dinner date, where she insisted that we share both our meals with each other, which I loved. We went to the shore of a nearby lake later and had some wine while watching the stars. We ended up getting cuddly in the back of my Volvo, without crossing any further intimate border than holding hands and stroking each other. I drove her home - she moved out of town the next day.

We kept being chatty during the week and she told me, she'll be in town the next weekend. I picked her up from the station again and she revealed to me, that she didn't really have a certain destination but had come here only to see me. I was surprised but also very enchanted, so I offered her to stay in my place for the weekend. We had dinner, a movie and our first kiss that night. We spend the entire next day at the beach and in the evening she asked me to sleep with her, which I declined, since she was still in a relationship with this other dude. The next day she was heading back to her new home. This was followed by another week filled with flirty calls and messages and one more get together for the weekend.

Friday night - I picked her up from the station as I always did. We watched a movie after dinner and went to bed. The next day I was trying to help her renovating her old apartment. Afterwards we went to shower together and started turning each other on. She withdrew at some point using the words "this might not be the best idea". I said ok, let's go to bed, but then of course we couldn't take our hands off each other. When things got really intense she told me, she's probably not that good at it. I took it as a "no" turned around and tried to sleep. She woke me up a little later by poking me and telling me, she couldn't stand my weird behaviour. I asked her what she's talking about, and ran off to the bathroom. This was the first time I bursted out in tears since this on/off, hot/cold, and push/pull behaviour was showing it's gruelling effects. She came after me, luring me out of the bathroom and giving me a hug. I told her, that I am constantly afraid to screw it up, and that these dynamics give me no security to behave like I normally would and that she became so damn important to me in such short time, which gives me a hard time understanding all this. She looked at a me with the coldest eyes, missing the slightest bit of empathy and replied: "You also mean a lot to me." I think this was the first time I realised, I had been walking on eggshells for the past few weeks, only to never ever make any mistake - since I was subconsciously sure it would have been punished immediately. And somehow I knew deep down my guts, once I have shown weakness and vulnerability now, this would become me guillotine at some point. We were making out finally the next morning and she cried afterwards, because of her current bf. I held her tight and tried to calm her by telling her, we're only two people in love and this isn't the end of the world and that there will be a solution for the whole thing. Even though I wasn't very optimistic, since she told me my position wasn't the worst but she still has huge feelings of love for her bf. Again I brought her to the station that night, unknowing of how I should move on with this girl that I had been desperately fallen for.

To my surprise a week of heartwarming messages and calls continued. She told me that rarely somebody had taken such good care of her and that she's not even used to this kind of treatment.

I was abroad for the week, when she told me she's in town again - missing me to the bone. She revealed that her bf is currently staying in her new place and she's unable to communicate with him the way we did and it's impossible for her to not think of me, since she would be much more happy with me. She started sharing unmistakeable love songs with me and told me how much she fell for me. I called her up and told her I'm blessed by her kindness and that my feelings are quiet similar and that I think it's about time now, to tell the guy what's going on. I told her I would give her some space to clear her head, so she could decide to whether or not make a move. This didn't last, she was pleading to return my renovating stuff to me the next weekend personally, even though I told her she could drop it off somewhere else. I accepted and got to meet her mother. We had an intense kiss and I gave her a little gift for the goodbye, since I didn't believe she would ever leave this guy for me or even talk about me. The next day I told her I'm out, wishing her well and expressing my sadness about our encounter being terminated, before it even started.

She went crazy then, asking me if I'm really being able to abandon her. She told me that I'm the best thing that has happened to her for such a long time and that she's unable to even think of a separation. She'd love to be close to me and that she will lose trust if I will withdraw from our affair.

I couldn't resist for long and called her. We set up a date in her new town, where I had to pick up my friend from the airport. First she wanted to have dinner in her place, but later told me, her bf is going to be there so we should have a walk. The walk was very romantically loaded, we held both our hands constantly for about 1h and the kisses were deep and warm. I brought her a plant she mentioned she'd like to have before and told her to groom it as it was a symbol of our encounter. As i found out later, the plant never made it to her apartment, since she was worried her bf might start asking questions. That was another sign for me, that I would have to let her go very soon, but kept in touch since I was madly in love, like never before.

4 weeks passed, since her bf came to visit her, and this guy didn't even seem to leave her place for even a day. So communication between her and me became complicated and awkward. I guess he could totally sense she's withdrawing from him and was trying to compensate his lethal mistakes in the history with her, with now being over-present - which worked pretty well in the end. She then told me, that now he has changed so much and tells her all the things that I'm telling her, which is giving her a hard time to even think of telling him about us.

So I told her I can't take it anymore and that we should go NC. I kept it for 16 Days, which was hard, since she gave me night calls and messages saying she loves me, and that I just have to trust her, during those days. The climax was reached after 2 weeks, when I found a 7 paged letter in my mailbox which was basically saying: "My bf is a douche, we had only one fun month in the beginning of our RS and since then it was nothing but hell. But now he threatens to take his life and I can't leave now. I want you to be in my life, I wanna meet your family and I want you to built a bed for me and so on and so on..." I couldn't resist those charming warm words, called her up the next day, when she was already on her way to me. Accidentally we met on the same party, before we were even meant to meet up. I missed her so much that I couldn't smother the temptation to immediately kiss her, which in the aftermath, was my biggest mistake in this whole thing. We went home followed by an amazing night.

The next day, she says she regrets everything and wants nothing but her boyfriend to forgive her. I didn't know how to handle this, so I told her fine I'm out. Next morning she call's me, telling me she's going to end the RS with him. I said, fine, it seems to be about time. In the evening, mind switch again - she will talk to him about us, but is unable to terminate the RS now, because of all the guilt and damage she has done, it would just be unfair to him. Anyways she wouldn't be able to leave the relationship for good, because she tried it this way in past RS already and it didn't work out, since she always regretted and couldn't really be there for the "new" person. She needs time and doesn't want me to wait around for her. She said I'm better off without her, since I'm very lovable and good and she's nothing but poison for my life. I should take care of myself, goodbye. Anyways, she has to go on a vacation with him the next weekend.

I was devastated. Again, I went NC.
Next day she let's me know through a message, that she told him about thinking to leave him, for someone else. 2 days later, she offers to meet in person. Since I don't fall for it, she starts telling me she's desperately worried about my well being and begging for a reply. I didn't. Next day the same charming again. I remain strong. 3rd day, she tells me it's always been wonderful with me, as long as she put's "other things" aside. She'd love to be there for me. I still didn't buy it. Day 4, she writes me a long message while being on holiday with her bf. It says, I will talk to him and he deserves to decide whether to quit or go on with me. He's not of higher worth than me, but things are the same as she told me, in the handwritten letter i got from her some weeks before. I didn't reply. 14 days later she wrote me again, telling me that she's not sure this is of any significance for me, but that she told him about her feelings for me. She pleaded for my forgiveness. She told me she's breaking from this feeling. And that now, that he left her, she's feeling paralysed.

I resisted 1 more week. Then she sent me an email with a breadcrumb. I fell for it, we met up while she told me she's not in love with him anymore for a long time already but her feelings are still there in kind of a friendly feeling towards him. She said she's unable to kiss him, since she is mainly thinking of me. But he now threatens to take his life, so that's why she can't leave him. We were then almost getting busy at the cemetery we had our afternoon walk on. I brought her to the station later and we kept up LC.

2 weeks after this, she asked me to visit her and have a nice weekend in her new hometown, which i friendly rejected since they are both still together. Her ambition towards me then slightly decreased. I could feel it, was afraid, but had no more weapon to fight it. 2 week's later she asked again, if we wanna hang out for the weekend, but I then appealed to her mind that maybe, if her guy is still there, she might get a guilty conscience again, afterwards, which wouldn't be good for any of us. She then agreed and told me, she's probably not able to stay true to him while sharing the same room with me, but that she's having the idea of us being friends in her head. I told her I can't see us a friendship between us, since our lips are too longing. We remained on good terms, and I told her that she's free to call me up anytime, if there will be a place for us in her life which fits our infatuation. But that we should avoid contact without reason. She then offered me another talk, the next day. I replied, let's talk when you will be in town.

7 weeks of silence.

Then I accidentally met one of her best friends, who told me, that the relationship she has with this guy, is the most toxic thing she's ever seen and that she wants her to terminate it for so long already. But she just can't make the move. The guy is sleeping around with other woman and doesn't give a s*** in supporting her in any manner. She told me that we would fit so well together, since I would be just good for her.

I didn't care about these news that much. But what made me listen up was, when she said she's recently received a letter from her, stating that she met me and that I'm very special and important to her. After I heard this, I went crazy and couldn't take it (the NC) anymore. I bought what I thought were her favourite flowers in a pretty charmless color, and went to her new home. I knocked the door and she opened, with the guy standing right behind her. I told her, these flowers are for you and waved at the guy saying hi, and his name. She was not very pleased to see me, and told me to wait downstairs. She came down, barefoot, and of course all hell broke loose. She told me that, if this dude is going to leave her, because of my campaign now, she is going to kill herself and it's gonna be up on me. She told me that he is good to her, and that she loves him and not me. I told her sorry, I just wanted to talk, stay friends and that I'm probably much closer to suicide, than this guy ever was. (I know I shouldn't have said that, but I meant it metaphorical) And that she's the best thing that could've ever happened to this guy, so that I don't see a chance in him leaving her. She then started screaming, the guy came suddenly out of nowhere (secretly listening the whole scenario) and punched or poked me and I fell. I wanted to take one more hit from him, but she was in between. The stupid flowers were torn apart, and I left the scene telling her, that her decision was probably right.

3 days later I got an email: "That was the worst thing that could have happened. I'm sure you know that. Maybe that was important to you, so that it cannot continue for me. Now I want you to never write to me again and never stand outside my door again. I also stick to the agreement. I may have persuaded to myself what I said to you, because I probably wanted to somehow legitimise what has happened. But those were sick thoughts, sick feelings, a sick clinging to you. These are problems that are very deep in my personality and come to the fore when I feel bad. All my weaknesses have come to light. I warned you. This has happened to me in a similar way. I felt bad in the time in which you have met me and I have nodded after three dismissals on my part. I do not love you. I'm not in love. I see that now - far too late - quite clearly, through the longer, maintained distance to you. My bf, on the other hand, I love. I can not help you out of this. I take all the blame, it's alone with me. I did everything wrong. Maybe use your anger to get away from it. Never write to me again. Please."

I feel like I made the worst mistake. Am I split black/discarded for good?
What can I do? Any chance?

Thank u for reading!

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[Stillhopeful4]

Blackhole90,

Welcome to our group.  What a story ((Hugs).  I'm new here as well.  I hope that some of the older members of this group (by older I mean been here longer) can help you.

SH4

[once removed]

its a difficult place to be in, blackhole.

when someone tells us they dont want any more contact, i think not only do we need to respect that, but its also the strongest card we can play.

it also seems like if you were to have a relationship with her, the relationship shes in now really needs to play out and come to a conclusion. being in a relationship with someone who is already in one can be really messy, there are usually complicated dynamics at play (it sounds like there were here) and for your relationship with her to be able to stand, it really needs to stand on its own. does that make sense?

in the mean time, if you havent already, it would be a good idea to start learning the tools here, you will need them if things are going to work out.

what do you think? do you think youre likely to hear from her again?

[blackhole90]

Thanks for your reply, Once Removed!

Do you mean, that not contacting her, is the only and strongest card that I can play?
So should I stick to never ever contacting her again?

Your conclusion makes a lot of sense to me. I mean the only reason I went NC was the fact that she had to figure out for herself, if she's going to stay with him or not. Now I believe that going NC, while she was on top of the idealization/ honeymoon phase, triggered her abandonment issues to max, so that's basically the reason I ended up in devaluation and the final discard that fast.

I did a lot of research on this page and I am pretty thankful for not being left alone with this feeling. But my hopes for getting things to work out with her, have also drastically decreased. For my part, I'm not so worried, about finding my way back to a more stable self, since I'm seeing a T since the beginning of the year. But I hate the idea so much, that something so beautiful had to be terminated, before it could even start to bloom. And I don't like the fact that this one minor incident (me bringing her flowers, while she had her bf around) resulted in having her split me black and discard for seemingly ever, while she doesn't seem to take account of the previous months in which I was caring, gently explaining and understanding and never gave her any reason to feel engulfment. Are BPD individuals able to forgive and come back?
 
So to answer your last question, no, unfortunately I believe that I'm more likely to never ever hear from her again. This assumption is also made, because I heard her talking about her previous affair partners, who were almost all together painted black. This gives me severe depression, but since I am the son of a BPD widow, I'm used to surviving and getting back on track by grabbing myself by my own back bone till I will be able to stand straight again.

What is your experience? Does it seem to you, like this story just finished it's first, of a few possible cycles? Can you sense any hint that a recycle may happen again? Because for me it feel's like she hates me to the guts, after I "interrupted" her now so well functioning relationship by bringing flowers to her door.

I have to admit, that having her in my life in any way would probably be less painful than the state I'm currently in.

Thank you guys for keeping up!

[once removed]

So should I stick to never ever contacting her again?

i wouldnt for a while. i think you would want to know her relationship is over, and that she has moved into, or even completed the grieving process.

Are BPD individuals able to forgive and come back?

sure. although i think the answer to this question is probably more complex. people with bpd traits have inherent trust issues...you would likely see a lot of resentment pop up over time.

And I don't like the fact that this one minor incident (me bringing her flowers, while she had her bf around) resulted in having her split me black

i would not underestimate what this incident represented.

affairs are complex things. while you were with her, she was telling you that youre special, talking badly about her significant other, and talking about breaking up with him. its very easy to buy into this narrative.

you may have been special, but part of what you represented was an escape...an escape from the stresses of her relationship, from her daily life. but the more stressful the relationship became, the less of an escape it was, and the less appeal it had.

when you showed up at the door, everything became real. there was also a huge risk of her being found out, caught, and potentially even dumped by her significant other. the easiest thing (not the right thing) for her to do is to blame that on you and cut you out.

it may be a bitter pill to see it this way, but part of reconciling a relationship is understanding how the last iteration transpired, how it evolved, and how it broke down. this, in a lot of ways, was a fantasy gone wrong.

I'm used to surviving and getting back on track by grabbing myself by my own back bone till I will be able to stand straight again.

the best advice i can give you is dont do this alone, and dont just pick yourself back up and go back to the man you were before. you can rebuild, better, stronger, wiser, whether you reconcile with her, or in your future relationships.