Should I Go See Her?

[PTSDguy]

So I've been dating a girl with BPD off and on for a little over a year now. 5 months in, she moved. We've each had our own stuff to work on, so a long-distance situation seemed like a good fit while we got our sh!t together. I was supposed to visit her this coming week, and just last week she called things off. Her first explanation seemed like BS, and I pushed her on it. Finally, she said she needed someone who lived in the same city as her and who had a better career situation. The night before, she had gone to a friend's baby shower, and I think that got her biological clock going. Later, I called her and thanked her, told her I needed a bit of a wake up call. She said "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to make you feel bad about yourself!" And I told her that she didn't, and I appreciated it. A few days later, I told her I was going to move to the city she's in. She called me, and initially sounded happy/excited/intrigued. I told her I was going to take the flight I had booked to do some job interviews there, and that she didn't have to see me if she didn't want to, that I'd get a hotel, etc. She said "I mean of course I'd want to see you" but later in the conversation she started getting nasty and told me I was crazy for wanting to move there after she broke things off, and said that she felt violated by it...
A few days later, I reached out to her and told her that if she really felt that way I wouldn't, we talked a bit and she was still pushing me away. Finally I told her that it was hard to see her go through this cycle over and over. That whenever she gets into a depressive episode she pushes me away and breaks things off. Surprisingly, she seemed to be able to hear this without getting upset. The next morning she said she thought there was some truth to it but it didn't change how she feels. She told me she had been on two dates with someone this week and she didn't know if it was a thing or not but she had to see what was out there.
She's been saying both that she wants to settle down (needs security/stability I can't give her) and that she wants to date around. Not sure if she's just making excuses or if she's actually confused (probably both).
Her birthday was today, and I have several presents I got for her. I'm debating whether to go out there this week. Part of me thinks she's scared and pushing me away, part of me thinks she's more interested in this other guy and actually doesn't care about me right now.
Do you think me showing up across the country with gifts could break through to her/will make her enamored with me for going to such lengths? Or will she be upset and not want to see/speak to me?
I could see it going either way. Also trying to decide if I should text her to tell her I'm in her city or just show up at her door.
Any advice would be appreciated.

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[Ozzie101]

Hi PTSDguy!

It is difficult to know. In my experience, though, the best way to go is to listen to what the other person is saying. If they say they need space, give them space. Pushing someone (even with good intentions) can even further trigger a push back and send them running even faster in the other direction.

She may well be pushing you away out of fear. That's common in pwBPD. But even if that's true, forcing the issue probably won't get you a positive result. It's often best to respect their wishes, step back, but keep the lines of communication open.

If you don't mind my asking, why did you decide to move to her city?

[PTSDguy]

I decided to move there mostly for her. There are a bunch of things that city has that fit the profile of what I want, but choosing that city in particular is because she is there. We had been discussing the idea of me moving there for a while. When she was breaking up with me and said she needed someone in that city, I asked her if it would change things if I moved there. She told me that if we were in the same city she'd want to date me, but that she wanted ME to make the decision. I took that as meaning she wanted me there but didn't want to ask/be the reason I moved. I was surprised when she started freaking out when I told her I was planning on moving. I expected her to be nervous, yeah. But also thought she would be happy. On that call she initially seemed happy and then it shifted, not sure why.
One of the toughest things is that when she gets like this, real/honest communication is nearly impossible.

[Ozzie101]

Are you familiar at all with the push-pull dynamic? I'd recommend you read this thread here:
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=281066.0%3ball

It's about fear of engulfment and how it can lead to some of the behaviors you're describing. Getting some insight into what she might be thinking and feeling and why she may be acting this way could be helpful in deciding what you need to do.

Can you give it a read and let us know what you think?

[PTSDguy]

I was familiar with that dynamic and have seen it play out in our relationship before, but that thread was still enlightening. I've decided to go out there. I texted her this afternoon and said that I'd like to see her. She said "obviously I'll see you if you're going to be in this city," asked where I was staying, and told me of a few plans she's made for the next few days. She was a bit formal/cold, but did say she wanted to see me so I'm hopeful it will go well. I told her I had some presents for her and she didn't directly respond to that...
In the past, our fights we've had have almost entirely taken place on the phone/ though text and we've always been able to resolve things/make up in person. Hoping that it will be the same this time! If anyone has any advice for me I'd appreciate it!

[Ozzie101]

If I were you, I'd take things slow. Be present and open, but don't push for things in the relationship since that's a possible way to send her running the other direction. Really listen to her, respect her wishes and try to enjoy your time together.

I know what you mean about the phone/text thing. My H and I had to make a rule: no serious/important discussions by phone or text. It's too easy for things to get misinterpreted. Of course, in our case, we live in the same house, so it's a much easier rule to implement!