My partner is going through an incredibly stressful time

[Capncrrrrrrunch]

Hello! My partner is currently going through an incredibly stressful experience. Our relationship is going well overall, but this whole time has been pretty taxing and stressful. Basically I just need somewhere or someone I can talk to for support. I am a little worried I will end up over-exerting myself in supporting her, and I just need to make sure I am also taking care of my needs.

So hello everyone!

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[confusedbybdp]

 

Hello!  If you would, tell us a little about your situation.  We are happy to listen and help, if we can.

[Ozzie101]

Welcome, Capncrrrrrrunch!

You're in a good place here. We have a lot of tools and experience we can share with you that may make your situation easier to navigate.

Stressful situations are difficult for anybody to handle. But for people with BPD (or with BPD tendencies), who already have difficulty managing emotions anyway, there's that extra layer of complication and pain.

I know where you're coming from. Last year, a series of stressful events sent my undiagnosed husband into a major dysregulation. It was utterly exhausting for me. Unfortunately, he's being hit again with multiple stresses at once and I'm struggling a bit myself.

You're right that taking care of yourself is vital. As a wise person on this site said not too long ago, you can't recharge someone else's battery if yours is flat.

When you feel up to it, I hope you'll share some more about your relationship. How long have you been together? What are some of the behaviors or situations that are wearing on you most? Does your partner have a BPD diagnosis (doesn't really matter here -- either way, we can help)?

Again, welcome to the family and keep posting!

[Capncrrrrrrunch]

Thank you for the warm welcome. It feels good to be among people who understand what I am going through.
An issue I am having currently is that my partner has expressed that I have hurt her by crossing boundaries and mistreating her in the past. She is saying that she is tired of it, and disappointed in herself for allowing her mistreatment. She is tired of having to guide me through her feelings, and to guide me through what I did wrong. She has also added that if it happens again she will be gone, or that I don't get anymore chances.
I know that we argue, and that I have definitely mistreated her, but it feels like she is placing the blame on me.
It's all very confusing, and I am hoping to get some outside perspective.

[Ozzie101]

If you don't mind sharing, what are some of the boundaries she says you've crossed? What are the ways you have mistreated her? (Just trying to get a clear picture -- the more detail we know, the better we can help you trouble-shoot.) When she accuses you of this, how do you usually respond?

[Coastgirl]

Welcome to this great community!

I gasped when I read your post because it is exactly what my husband has expressed to me. He even recently told me I have the emotional intelligence of a toddler... Have you been able to get a clear answer of what you have done or what she is expecting from you?
The only thought that I have is if she cannot be clear right now then consider a counselor who can help navigate through the emotional talk and keep things from getting escalated.
I wish you the best and hope you can find a peaceful resolution.

[Capncrrrrrrunch]

Hey everyone, sorry for lack of replies! I brought it up to her the next day when she was in a more calm state. We talked about it and she admitted she expressed a lot of those feelings in frustration. Not that they weren't true or valid, but a little more intense than she wanted to be.
Then we had a self-care date together! We did face masks and painted each others nails.