Tell them they have BPD?

[starryeyed]

I've been researching BPD for about 6 months and the signs are clear that my spouse has BPD, nearly to a T.  The issue of having it actually diagnosed by a counselor/psychologist is that we live in a remote area and no one within 10 hours or more specializes in BPD. 

I'm not a doctor but  my hope in telling him my suspicions is we can come to terms that this is what it is.  Maybe he can find the help online he needs.  I'm in counseling on my own.  I don't want to walk out of our marriage, but with the radical behavior I feel like I'm running out of options.  Like this is my last hope. 

Has anyone told their spouse they suspect they have BPD?  What was your experience? 

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Greenbrier]

I would be cautious here.  Randi Kregger in her book “Stop Walking on Eggshells” gives this advice:

“As you read this book, you may be eager to talk about BPD with the person you think has it. This is understandable. Learning about the disorder can be a powerful, transformational experience. The fantasy goes like this: the person will be grateful to you and will rush into therapy to conquer their demons.

Unfortunately, the reality differs. Family members repeatedly told us that their loved one instead responded with rage, denial, and a torrent of criticism. Frequently, the person with BPD traits accused the family member of being the one with the disorder.”

Good luck.

[Harri]

We do not recommend telling a partner they have BPD.  Many people react negatively.  some do respond in a positive way though.  It is simply impossible to predict how your spouse will react.

Instead, what we recommend is getting and sharing the following book:  

The High Conflict Couple; share that.  spouses here tend to be very receptive. a lot of the tools here are based on this book, and it will give you a head start on resolving conflict, in concert with your wife.

 I would suggest reading it through first and think of whether your spouse will react in a positive way.  Either way, you will benefit by having read the book.