What do you say when your SO won't stop blaming you for her behavior?

[Olaf]

I'm trying not to take it personally, to admit my faults, to partially agree. I've read Walking on Eggshells trying to use SET and DEARMAN, but I'm totally at a loss. She won't stop saying I drove her to do these things (extremely dangerous behavior and drinking) and I have to stop triggering her.

She won't accept that I'm trying. She says I'm not making a safe environment for her. I keep trying to move out but she says that only I can help her.

She says she not in control after she is triggered. But random things trigger her at random times.

I think I am developing second-hand BPD because now my distress tolerance is near zero.  

When I say I need a break because its too much, she says I'm being defensive and nothing is ever resolved because I won't take responsibility for myself.

How do you say "Please stop I'm at my breaking point!" without that being another trigger?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[MrsDarling]

Olaf you don’t need her permission to live your life without her drama. You can’t control whether she uses your leaving as a trigger or not. And your staying is also leading her blaming you as a trigger. You can’t avoid her blaming you. So you might as well do what you need to do to take care of YOURSELF.

I need to share a famous Mary Oliver poem here. 




One day you finally knew
what you had to do, and began,
though the voices around you
kept shouting
their bad advice --
though the whole house
began to tremble
and you felt the old tug
at your ankles.
"Mend my life!"
each voice cried.
But you didn't stop.
You knew what you had to do,
though the wind pried
with its stiff fingers
at the very foundations,
though their melancholy
was terrible.
It was already late
enough, and a wild night,
and the road full of fallen
branches and stones.
But little by little,
as you left their voice behind,
the stars began to burn
through the sheets of clouds,
and there was a new voice
which you slowly
recognized as your own,
that kept you company
as you strode deeper and deeper
into the world,
determined to do
the only thing you could do --
determined to save
the only life that you could save.
 
 
 
Mary Oliver
The Journey