Desperately in need of help with adult son having "episodes" in a foreign count

[HighlyLikely]

I am visiting my adult son on my vacation. He has had several “episodes” (for lack of a better word) since I’ve been here. Once getting out of a stopped car and walking away. The next getting so angry he threatened suicide with a knife, then threw the knife at my door and finally devolving into tears and hitting himself. Today he threw himself from a moving car and then threatened to walk in front of a moving car and proceeded to flag down cars on a busy highway. At the moment we are in separate rooms and I’m simply trying to stay out of his way. I fear for him, I fear for me. We are in a foreign country, here for another 3 days until we fly back to his home (yet another foreign country). Then the plan was for me to be there at his home for another 4 days before flying back to the US. I’d fly back now if I could afford the cost of a new flight. Or I would stay at a hotel if I could do that. I feel like distance is needed for self-preservation even though I’m afraid he’d view it as being abandoned. Right now there is nothing I can say which isn’t met with abuse. This is all very new to me and I’m not sure how to navigate it to help him. What do I do?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[FaithHopeLove]

Hello HighlyLikely
Your situation does sound scary. Has your son acted like this before? Has he been diagnosed with BPD? What measures are you taking to protect your safety and his?
We are all here for you to lend whatever support we can. Lots of us (myself included) have been in similar situations.

[PeaceMom]

HL,
This sounds so very scary. I’m so sorry for you. Your description reminds me of when my DS24 has had BiPolar episodes. Travel can be a causal factor in mood instability.
Can you call a local hotline? Or maybe a hospital to ask about immediate help? 

[HighlyLikely]

Thank you FaithHopeLove. In his terms my son had some angry outbursts and 2 suicide threats. He went to a therapist twice but both times convinced the therapist he was fine. I haven’t seen anything like this. He has lived long distances from me since 2008. We would visit but short visits for holidays, etc and I never saw this. He was diagnosed (misdiagnosed) with ADHD and basically self diagnosed BPD and says his therapist agrees with him. He came to that conclusion when his wife separated from him about 7 weeks ago. This trip was supposed to be the 3 of us but she did not want to go. Now I see why. I think my being here has been a trigger for him.

As for safety, we are in an Airbnb and the rooms have no locks. I’m trying to keep my distance but I can’t keep him from entering my room should he choose to. I am keeping all important things (car keys, ID, money, house keys) by my side should I need to quickly leave. I don’t know how to keep him safe from himself. His episodes seem to be escalating. He wants to continue doing things together but I’m so reluctant. He has said that all I need to do is when he says he needs to do something (drive the car, get out of the car, etc) I should not argue with him. If he screams “pull over I’m getting out” on the highway, I should do so. But it’s not as simple as that. If I move a bag of leftover fast food, he gets angry and when I try to explain why I moved it, suddenly I’m a terrible mother and he gets a knife from the drawer and says he will cut himself. Anything I say or do can be a trigger and I can’t spend the next 6 days with him wondering what will happen next. Then again, he could get angry if I say I just want to chill and say he’s ruining my vacation, he’s worthless and he would be better off dead. It feels like there’s no safe ground.

[HighlyLikely]

PeaceMom. Since I’m in a foreign country, I’m not sure if that would be helpful. Different countries look at mental illness differently. One of my biggest fear is that after I go back to the US and he stays where he lives, that he will do something which will cause him to be involuntarily hospitalized. I don’t know how that country cares for their mentally ill or if I would be able to get him out of a bad situation and home where he has a support system.

[FaithHopeLove]

Has he ever been physically violent with you? Do you think there is a danger of that happening now?

[HighlyLikely]

Faith, no he hasn’t been physically violent. I want to say he wouldn’t be and he only directs it towards himself. But so much of what I’m seeing is new to me so I don’t know if he would cross that line if he got angry enough.

[FaithHopeLove]

I see. So you are mostly concerned about the self harm although you are not ruling out the possibility he may hurt others like you. I can see how the combination of separating from his wife, being with you who he rarely sees, and being away from home could be very triggering for him. You say you are concerned he may be involuntarily committed to a psychiatric facility so I take it such places exist where you are. Are you able to research the local laws concerning what happens when people become a danger to themselves where you are ? My son has been involuntarily committed to psychiatric hospitals twice in the US. He hated it but both times  it was really necessary and probably saved his life so it can end up being a good thing. Being in a foreign country does complicate matters. Finding out the local laws might be wise "just in case." What do you think?

[HighlyLikely]

Faith: It appears that Europe in general is pretty progressive when it comes to mental health. I couldn’t find anything specific about how they would deal with an expat. I would hate, however, for him to be in care in a country where he doesn’t have a support system. At least when we get back to where he lives, his wife and some friends are there and I could have someone who would be able to let me know how things are going.

Right now things are calm. He injured his ankle when he jumped from the car so we are going to lay low so he can keep weight off of it. Day after tomorrow we fly back to where he lives. Then I have 4 days there to get through. But the couple of days we were there before, he was doing well.

Thank you all for your insights. I have Daniel Fox’s BPD workbook which I know he worked through. I will do the same when I get back home.

[FaithHopeLove]

It is good that you are in a place that is progressive when it comes to mental health. I hope and pray the next few days are peaceful. Please do keep us posted.

[wendydarling]

Hello HighlyLikely

Along with parents I'm here with you too. I'm sorry, you are in a scary situation abroad on your own with your son. As Faith says keep posting, talking. I can only imagine your son deep down wants get home to familiar, to safety. From what you share he has some insight of his struggles, he's recently self diagnosed, which indicates he's looking for answers, this can be positive long term. Hopefully a day resting up may help him regulate (calm) his emotions to baseline and the pain he feels. Are you in a holiday resort by the sea, capital city, countryside?

You fly to your son's home country day after next, counting down, we're walking with you. If things escalate have you located the local help numbers or located the local hospital if he requires ER. Just knowing, having that info to hand can bring some peace of mind, being prepared. If you are in Europe you are in good hands. HL my experience is if hospitalised the aim is to help regulate the patient over a few days and that can often be achieved, and then discharge to further care, in your case a flight to son's home country. They'll only hold longer if they consider our loved one's are vulnerable immediately to hurting themselves or others. As would happen in our own countries. You can reach out to the US Embassy for support, they are there for citizens abroad in crisis, it's their role to support you and provide the necessary care, while in country. You are not alone HL.

How's your day going?

WDx  

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[cbusmom]

Hello HighlyLikely
I can understand your fear. My ds23 threatened to jump out of a moving car while I was driving on an interstate. It was during a very triggering time in his life after a breakup. It wasnt long after this incident that I started researching BPD and learned the difference between validating and invalidating responses. I realized how my words and actions can escalate things with him.
I dont know if this is the situation with you and your son. All I know is that by using communication tools I have found such as SET my son and I can now talk without him going off the rails.

[livednlearned]

HighlyLikely,

Hang in there, you're doing the right things, giving him some distance while keeping an eye on him, posting here for support.

It's not surprising that he's highly dysregulated given that his wife is asking for divorce. Splitting from a significant life partner can push anyone into a dysregulation. His reactions are likely more severe because his emotions are more labile.

Is it reasonable to avoid getting in a car for the time being? Can you address his BPD without it triggering him? Maybe his sore ankle is a blessing in disguise, so you can stay put and avoid too much driving.

What do you think of cbusmom's great suggestion about validation? I will admit that my SD22 is not reachable sometimes when she's highly dysregulated so the best I can do is manage my own limits so we aren't both in the spin cycle.