22-year awakening

[anonymous_non-BP]

I have been married to my wife for 22 years. We have three amazing teen girls and have lived a life that from the outside most would say is near storybook grade. For the last 21.5 years I have been living in a private emotional prison wrought daily with anxiety, confusion, depression, and a sense of helplessness. Three weeks ago I read Stop Walking on Eggshells (and subsequently others on BPD) and have sense had a total transformation in my emotional and spiritual health. I am without words of appreciation to Mason and Kreger.

It was as if I had been stumbling around in the dark, stepping on sharp objects, running into walls and occasionally getting punched in the face - then suddenly someone turned the lights on in the room. For the last twenty years, I thought I was the one that was broken. I was told I was the one that was broken. Three weeks ago, I came to the blinding realization that my wife exhbitis 7 of the 9 traits; and, the emotional abuse and projection related traits of BPD in spades.

Now I face the challenge of what next? This is a community of survivors...and I don't use that term lightly. Anyone who has been married to a BPD spouse is a survivor in my book and while we have endured a different kind of emotional-hell than that our BPD spouses...it is a hell none the less. I am not accustomed to any online forums or support groups. Not sure what to expect. But I look forward to finding others...

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Radcliff]

You've come to the right place.  Many of us have been in decades long relationships.  What should you expect?  Support and learning.  You are not alone; just knowing that and being able to share with folks here can break the isolation you've been feeling.  And now that someone's turned the lights on, you'll find tools you can learn here that can help reduce conflict.  Some you may have figured out on your own in the school of hard knocks, others may be new to you.

With your breakthrough realization about BPD, are there things that you've been doing in your relationship, approaches you've taken to situations, that you'd change with your new knowledge?

RC

[Mark35054]

OMG!  My story is the same only 21 years married and 2 teen daughters.

I had never heard of BPD myself until about 2 weeks ago. I also started to read "Stop Walking On Eggshells" and my wife fits all the behaviors of a "High-Functioning" BP.

I have been told for years that I'm the problem --- I don't support her --- I think she's stupid --- I do nothing but criticize her. If I try to discuss a topic with her she immediately takes the opposing point-of-view. She constantly patronizing and condesending toward me.

My 17 year old daughter has told me more than once she thinks mom is insane. 

[anonymous_non-BP]

Thank you both for the comments. This kind of community and support is a must for all of us. Incredible to me how similar the experiences are for non-BPDs. Almost to the point one could script it.

What's interesting, the challenge I have now (after the awakening) is I am getting so comfortable with being detached that I really don't engage or respond as I did previously...and that seems to cause her to amp up even further. Instead of escalation, I stay centered and do my best to provide clear, loving, and unemotional responses to whatever charges are being levied at the moment. The latest episode tonight escalated within 5 minutes to her threatening divorce (lost count on the number of times that has happened) and storming out of the house...

Mark35054, I've had the same response from all my girls at some point. Especially the youngest (13). She recently told me that even her friends are afraid to come over to our house.

[once removed]

Now I face the challenge of what next? This is a community of survivors...and I don't use that term lightly. Anyone who has been married to a BPD spouse is a survivor in my book and while we have endured a different kind of emotional-hell than that our BPD spouses...it is a hell none the less. I am not accustomed to any online forums or support groups. Not sure what to expect. But I look forward to finding others...

hi anonymous_non-BP, and

ive been out of my relationship for nearly nine years now. it was an ordeal; the relationship, and recovering from it.

i come here to this day, to help, yes, but id be lying if i didnt say it was because of what this community gives to me. a better understanding of myself and how i interact with the world.

its been invaluable. i learned the tools on this board long after my relationship ended, i use them every day with virtually everyone i come into contact with, and its important for me to say that even though my relationship ended, learning about where i could have done better has made me emotionally stronger.

i know the pain you are experiencing - albeit for a fraction of the time that you have. i also know that there is hope.

What's interesting, the challenge I have now (after the awakening) is I am getting so comfortable with being detached that I really don't engage or respond as I did previously...and that seems to cause her to amp up even further. Instead of escalation, I stay centered and do my best to provide clear, loving, and unemotional responses to whatever charges are being levied at the moment. The latest episode tonight escalated within 5 minutes to her threatening divorce (lost count on the number of times that has happened) and storming out of the house...

lets get to it. what are the primary sources of conflict in your relationship? what are you detaching from? what is she amping up? what happened tonight?

[Radcliff]

The answers to once removed's questions will help us to understand your relationship better.

The fact that your detachment is amping her up further is predictable.  Our pwBPD are desperately trying to get their needs met, but don't have effective tools to do it.  We want to be mindful and not be lost in the heat of the moment, but becoming detached means we're "checked out."  Our partners can sense this, and amp up their behaviors.  Regardless of BPD or not, detaching drags a relationship down.  This doesn't mean you have to be there for your partner continually with no breaks or boundaries.  We can get to that, but first, let us know more about the conflict in your relationship.

RC  

[Mark35054]

I feel your frustration. When my wife starts raging I also try to remain calm, centered, really listen. But this just seems to incite her more. If I try to focus on one of her points she immediately goes off about something else so we can never resolve any issue. Then if I remain calm long enough she'll start calling me a "pompous ass" or "jerk". It usually ends up with me leaving the room in frustration.

Funny thing --- I've told her name calling is a major violation. But she'll say she's never called me names.