2 months of silence and then this

[Anonym2806]

Remember my post : https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=339891.msg13082998#msg13082998

Yesterday, I had a surprise. A message from her. She sent me : « I am sorry »
I answered to that with : « I know. Good evening, how are you? And I’m also sorry for how I reacted, I’m still learning »
And then, nothing else. No more messages.
What does it mean? I want to give her time and space.
I think she’s still processing something.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Ozzie101]

There's no telling what it means. But, yes, giving her time and space is good since that's what she's asked for in the past.

[once removed]

she said "i am sorry" and said nothing else, do i have that right?

[Anonym2806]

she said "i am sorry" and said nothing else, do i have that right?

Yes, nothing else. I just answered what you’ve seen and then nothing.

[Anonym2806]

Someone can advise me ?

[once removed]

Anonym, its very difficult to say what, if anything this all means.

she took a step. now shes gone quiet. maybe she just wanted to get it off her chest. maybe she had second thoughts afterward. maybe shes busy, or struggling with something, or shes not prepared to say more.

the best thing you can do is not over pursue, let her work this out, and let the next move be hers. let her lead.

[Anonym2806]

Anonym, its very difficult to say what, if anything this all means.

she took a step. now shes gone quiet. maybe she just wanted to get it off her chest. maybe she had second thoughts afterward. maybe shes busy, or struggling with something, or shes not prepared to say more.

the best thing you can do is not over pursue, let her work this out, and let the next move be hers. let her lead.

Hi Once,

Thanks for your answer.
I’m just afraid she’s plying a game.
Can I know if she’s playing or not?

[once removed]

Can I know if she’s playing or not?

no. but it strikes me as pretty unlikely.

[Anonym2806]

no. but it strikes me as pretty unlikely.

Hi Once,

I thought about my answer last week and I sent another text today. To be sure she understand I'm still on her side but I don't chase her. I texted this : " Good afternoon. Don't apologize for who you are. I take your sorry for something else, not for who you are because it's not your fault. I hope you and your son are ok and you feel better."

Is that ok this kind of message? I don't want to trigger more. I don't want to make her suffering more. Here it was not about my feelings or about me but about her. I think she needs to feel that I don't chase her. What do you think?

[once removed]

" Good afternoon. Don't apologize for who you are. I take your sorry for something else, not for who you are because it's not your fault. I hope you and your son are ok and you feel better."

Is that ok this kind of message?

be careful.

you dont want to send the message that in spite of how she treated you, youve sat and waited for her, and will continue to. it just doesnt look self respecting, and it invites more of it.

if you are concerned about chasing, these messages are emotionally heavy and disproportionate in response to a vague message she sent that she didnt follow up on.

i dont think you necessarily shot yourself in the foot or ruined anything here, but i really would not send any more messages. i know how hard it is to get a message like the one she sent, and not be able to do anything. but the best card you can play is to step back, not over pursue, let her figure herself out and make the next move.

[Anonym2806]

be careful.

you dont want to send the message that in spite of how she treated you, youve sat and waited for her, and will continue to. it just doesnt look self respecting, and it invites more of it.

if you are concerned about chasing, these messages are emotionally heavy and disproportionate in response to a vague message she sent that she didnt follow up on.

i dont think you necessarily shot yourself in the foot or ruined anything here, but i really would not send any more messages. i know how hard it is to get a message like the one she sent, and not be able to do anything. but the best card you can play is to step back, not over pursue, let her figure herself out and make the next move.

Hi Once,

That means it’s like a game?
Thank you for your answer. I know it’s difficult but I was afraid that she thinks I accept her sorry because she’s like this.  And I don’t know if she can take it in a bad way. That’s the reason of my message.

[Ozzie101]

I think you may be over-thinking -- which is easy to do when you're given very vague messages or none at all. But it can be a mistake. The truth is, you don't know what she's thinking and if you assume you know, you could very well be wrong and then end up in a worse situation.

Once has good advice for you. Step back. Don't send any more messages. Let her work on herself and contact you.

[Anonym2806]

I think you may be over-thinking -- which is easy to do when you're given very vague messages or none at all. But it can be a mistake. The truth is, you don't know what she's thinking and if you assume you know, you could very well be wrong and then end up in a worse situation.

Once has good advice for you. Step back. Don't send any more messages. Let her work on herself and contact you.

Hi Ozzie,

I understood. But come on, she sent me "I'm sorry" after 2 months of silence.
What should I expect from that? Nothing.
What will be the next step? How should I answer? I mean, I don't want this anymore.
She needs to be clear in the next message or I ignore it. But ignoring it is it the right way?
I'm ready for the silence to the next message but I need tools to make her stop this ridiculous game.

[Ozzie101]

You can't make her stop anything. She's an adult with free will. The only way you can end "the game" is by refusing to play.

[Anonym2806]

You can't make her stop anything. She's an adult with free will. The only way you can end "the game" is by refusing to play.

I understand, so it’s a game. Ok. And what is the right way? ignoring her or when she send me
a message again I should say “Amen”?
It makes no sens. Could she play like this weeks, months, years? What’s the purpose of this? What does she expect finally from me?

[Ozzie101]

No, it's not necessarily a game. But it sounds like you see it that way -- or at least think that's how she sees it. Does she? We can't know. We also can't know the purpose, what she hopes to achieve, what she meant by her brief text. That's frustrating, I know. But there really is no way to know. You can guess but your guess may be wrong.

It might never make sense and you may never get the answers to your questions. There's nothing you can do about that. What you can do is center yourself and try to make peace with the uncertainty. The only thing you can know and the only thing you can control is yourself.

[Anonym2806]

No, it's not necessarily a game. But it sounds like you see it that way -- or at least think that's how she sees it. Does she? We can't know. We also can't know the purpose, what she hopes to achieve, what she meant by her brief text. That's frustrating, I know. But there really is no way to know. You can guess but your guess may be wrong.

It might never make sense and you may never get the answers to your questions. There's nothing you can do about that. What you can do is center yourself and try to make peace with the uncertainty. The only thing you can know and the only thing you can control is yourself.

That’s totally strange

[Anonym2806]

That’s totally strange

So I will do like I’m single now.
But if she contacts me again? What’s the best reaction for you?

[Ozzie101]

Whether a relationship involves BPD or not -- and, really, ANY type of relationship whether it's professional, friendly, romantic, whatever -- you can only control yourself and your own actions. You can't control other people. And as much as you may think you know another person and what they're thinking, you may be wrong. My H has been wrong about me many times, though he's sure he knows what's going through my head. Actually, he's wrong more often than not.

That's why it's usually wise not to spend too much time and energy on what someone else is thinking. Try to understand where they might be coming from? Yes. Assume you know their motives? No. The only way would be for her to tell you and from the sounds of things, I don't think that's going to happen any time soon.

Yes, live your life. Don't be dictated by what she does or doesn't do. If she contacts you again, that would depend on 1) what she says and 2) what you want. If you want to continue on with the same pattern, then you keep doing what you've been doing and reply, hoping for another response. If you don't want the cycle to continue, then you change your reaction. That may mean refusing to engage.

[Anonym2806]

Whether a relationship involves BPD or not -- and, really, ANY type of relationship whether it's professional, friendly, romantic, whatever -- you can only control yourself and your own actions. You can't control other people. And as much as you may think you know another person and what they're thinking, you may be wrong. My H has been wrong about me many times, though he's sure he knows what's going through my head. Actually, he's wrong more often than not.

That's why it's usually wise not to spend too much time and energy on what someone else is thinking. Try to understand where they might be coming from? Yes. Assume you know their motives? No. The only way would be for her to tell you and from the sounds of things, I don't think that's going to happen any time soon.

Yes, live your life. Don't be dictated by what she does or doesn't do. If she contacts you again, that would depend on 1) what she says and 2) what you want. If you want to continue on with the same pattern, then you keep doing what you've been doing and reply, hoping for another response. If you don't want the cycle to continue, then you change your reaction. That may mean refusing to engage.

Thanks for your advises Ozzie. It’s  more clear now.