Need help controlling my emotions

[Carvel]

 Hi,

I`m a 57 year old, mother of two adult daughters, two beautiful grandsons and another on the way, married for 37 years. I have been struggling in a very rocky marriage from the start. My h (60Yearsold) can be very disrespectful, doesn`t trust anyone, very defensive, offended easily, holds grudges for years, conversations are very very difficult, very judgemental and critical of everyone including me and my family, is not emphatetic and thinks highly of himself. He is very business minded, has been self employed for 32 years and done well for a 1 man business.( No one sticks with him as he has a way of putting people down) With regards to finance, we are well secured but he worries that our daughters will not care for us when we get older (abandonment issue here) He can be very nice at times but can also lash out and surprise people. He is a hard worker, persistent, difficult to please, sensitive and not easy to communicate with...I notice people have learnt not to disagree with him. This behavior has put alot of strain on our marriage and our kids. My eldest who still lives at home has Ocd too and life is exhausting at times. I am finding all this has taken a toll on me. I have along the years been to counselling ( either by myself, as a couple and with my daughters with no results) read alot of material and how to cope with the illnesses but i still haven`t learned after all these years. I blame myself ( he never does ) for not understanding him ...by the way we both keep telling each other that. I keep getting furious when he attacks me, my kids or my family. I lash out at him simply defending his useless verbal litany. I end up exhausted, frustrated, rejected, misunderstood, unloved, disrespected etc. Then comes the calm down time for a few days until the next argument. I need help in controlling my emotions... I feel so deeply hurt. This cycle has been going on forever. I am hoping that if I control my self and not get into his arguments, life can be a little bit easier. Any tips on how you coped with a situation like mine will be greatly appreciated. I also recognise that I don`t always stick to my boundaries and does not take me seriously. I am recognising he acts like a 3 year old. Please help me as continuing living in this stressful situation is unhealthy. I just wish there is no barrier between us and can relate in a normal way as I am the more detaching from him to avoid being hurt again.  Please help.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[once removed]

hi Carvel, and

you do sound exhausted.

i think the first, best step, is finding a strong support system here. experts will tell you that its critical.

if I control my self and not get into his arguments, life can be a little bit easier.

that can be the crux of it, huh?

we have lots of tools here to reduce the frequency and intensity of conflict. part of the key is really recognizing when things have broken down to the point of no return. theres a great deal we can do both when conflict starts, as well as in times of calm, when things are good, to improve things overall. but when things break down in the heat of the moment, its hard to disengage constructively.

37 years is a long time. i imagine theres a lot of love there, as well as a lot of resentment. there is hope. things really can get better.

I also recognise that I don`t always stick to my boundaries and does not take me seriously.

can you give us an example?

[Carvel]

Hi once removed,
Thank you so much for your time to reply. Yes I do need support to vent out what I`m going through in my struggles as this is driving me crazy. I have in the past been to sites like this but don`t recall any communication on the messageboard. This is getting so overwhelming, stressful and so heavy to carry on in this state. It is affecting my health, my sleep, day to day duties( I`m a home maker) etc. I lost myself in all this confusion, anger, resentment, hopelessness etc etc. Besides my husband I have my eldest (37) who still lives at home and is also struggling with OCD. But that`s another problem. I have to take things one at a time. I feel I am losing my mind trying to cope. I made their problems/ illnesses (what do you refer them to?) MINE. I tend to give alot of importance to the problems in an effort to discover about the illnesses, communicating effectively coping and having to adapt my behaviour with both of them. This worry, anxiety, fear etc etc is leading me only to more frustration and resentment. I am finding some solace in prayer, reaching out more to God and spending time with real people ( my family, my daughter and her two little boys) I am simply better off when he`s not around ! I dread going out with him but i go out to keep him happy ! (one of the boundaries I am afraid to keep)

Now to your question: a typical crossed boundary is when he gets so hyped up ,angry, insulting and the whole lot that goes with Bpd`s when something doesn`t go to his expectation. I am not going in detail what the normal thing to do when being confronted with a bpdh  as I realise that I have been doing it all wrong. I am an enabler and no wonder he disrespects me and behaves as he does.  I gave him the go ahead with my wrong decisions. I am concluding that I have never accepted his illness. What do you think ?  Even though years ago in my therapy sessions I have been told that he has no insight into what`s going on except for the pain he feels at the time and it`s all about HIM. I have been in denial all this time !
I am realising this after spending till very early in the morning (I reside in Europe) reading material in this site. I have come across similar info but actually never ever this came so close to me, so real to me. Well I knew alot of info about bpd`s but never sank in. The main problem was me not being CONSISTENT keeping my boundaries, I choose otherwise in order to avoid the pain the confrontations cause. This also shows my poor self esteem.  Where the hell have i been ? Sound familiar with you ?
I have tried many attempts to save our marriage by counselling, trying different behaviours, giving in to him thinking that was the best way dealing with the situation(I`m in nature a flexible person and that worked against me with him), threatened separation...eventually just 3 years ago that`s what I did only to return to his old self. Deep down I never really wanted to seperate...better the devil I know than the devil I don`t, huh ?  I wanted to rock his boat in an effort for him to change ! Well, that did indeed did not happen. I must admit that along the years he did let go a bit especially with regards to jealousy issues.

Now... what`s next, where am I, where  to, how do I figure out all I have to do ?  ( I am scared to death thinking I will just repeat my behaviours and things remain the same ) I `m willing to change even just the thought of it puts me in alot of stress and anxiety...just what I`m feeling while writing this.

Apologies for a long message but writing this at least i hope to help me release my anxieties, my stress level that is way too high...fearing a heart attack !

Thankyou for reading this. look forward to more replies. Hope i did not repeat myself.

[Stillhopeful4]

Good Morning Carvel,

((Hugs) to you.  37 years of dealing with this is a VERY long time, especially if you didn't know what it was.  I can recommend reading through the lessons and sharing some specific examples of instances and situations so the members here can dive in and pull it apart and give you opinions.  There are so many many great people here and we are all willing to listen to you vent anytime.

SH4

[once removed]

Sound familiar with you ?

it does.

Now... what`s next, where am I, where  to, how do I figure out all I have to do ?

i think this is the right question. whats done is done. there is hope in the future. the short answer is to build up your support system, learn the tools here (start practicing them with anyone and everyone in your life, and think of them as a lifestyle change), and to find your emotional center.

long term, these problems didnt develop over night and wont be solved over night. bit by bit though, and with help and support, you can lead the relationship on a healthier trajectory, and ideally, he will even follow your lead.

[Carvel]

hi stillhopeful4 and once removed,

I am relieved i have a safe place to come to for referral, for venting, learning and sharing our experiences. I have read a few topics here which are very interesting and very detailed.
I am still having a hard time accepting him as he is and continue to get in conflict with him. He has a way of twisting things and does not accept me telling him that`s not what i said and find hard to keep my calm and we both end up feeling very frustrated.

A case in point was yesterday...we started arguing because an electricity bill which amounted to nearly $1800 that had to be paid by our tenant was not paid on time. I had already taken care of reminding him about the pending bill. I knew the bill was still not paid. Yesterday my h remembered about the bill and was angry with me because he says i let things slip by, i am not careful in account keeping and don`t push the tenant to make the payment. The tenant normally pays on time but this time he didn`t, he had another missed bill hence the accumulated amount. I kept calm.  I explained that I had earlier checked if the bill was paid and planned to call the tenant tomorrow ...which is today. He got agitated, being offensive towards me and the tenant. H made it a point that in the morning he will tell him off. He wanted me to call as well. Come this morning at 9... my h called telling me i was the problem for the delay. I was upset that he told him off as there was no need to act that way and i could have handled it myself. I called to clear the things with the tenant (to abide by h orders and avoid conflict) saying he will pay the bill immediately and that he never said such and such as my h had told me ( somebody here is lying) On letting my h know the outcome of the phone call he got furious when i told him that it was not what he said. I tried to tell him that there might have been a misunderstanding ( h has a hearing difficulty, happened before) and to leave it there. As soon as he started firing ugly phrases etc i told him I am going to hang up...that`s what i did ( boundary enforcing)
Came home from work this afternoon grumpy ( as he is everytime he worries about something... this case ,bill not being paid ) asking me again if what i said was true and tomorrow he`s going to talk to him again...how dare he lie, I`m sure of what he said, I know what i heard etc Tried telling him that maybe he did not hear the tenant properly and to leave it there. We reacted and exchanged some ugly adjectives.  i`m not so sure he talks to him tomorrow but that`s up to him...i`m sure people know the way he is.
Thankfully he`s at the gym...2 hours quite time for me.

Now tell me:
What do make of all this drama ? ( repeated fairly often)
Was it necessary on my part to do like my h did ? H wants me to act like he does as he insists that`s the way to get what and when you want something ( this case.. bill paid) I am more of a calmer person, patient. I don`t want to be HIM !
How would you have reacted ?
What did i do wrong ?
I NEED SOME NORMAL THINKING PEOPLE IN MY LIFE !  WHAT CAOS THEY CREATE OUT OF A SMALL THING.

[once removed]

disputes like these are best resolved in times of calm.

things got heated. your husband escalated. there wasnt a lot you could do in the moment. it happens.

how dare he lie, I`m sure of what he said, I know what i heard etc Tried telling him that maybe he did not hear the tenant properly and to leave it there. We reacted and exchanged some ugly adjectives.

my best advice is to let go of the words that were said in the moment. fighting over them, when tensions are already high, only escalates the conflict.

more importantly, its not about who is right or wrong; or at least, if you approach things as if thats how it should be, youll have more, similar conflict. ultimately, its about how the two of you resolve conflict in a healthy way.

in a time of calm, it would be a good idea for the two of you to discuss how you might have handled this better. its important that when you do this, that you do a lot of listening; maybe even mostly listening, depending on how your husband approaches it. keep your guard down. get a feel for where hes coming from. and if he mostly lets you have it, or tells you everything was your fault, its best not to defend yourself too much in the moment, but maybe revisit it in a few days when hes more receptive. ideally, the two of you want to reach an understanding when it comes to how you would face this if it comes up again.

times of calm are the best time to work to get on the same page.

its been a few days. how are things going. any update?

[gadget]

Welcome Carvel  ,

I’m very sorry for your situation.  I can relate.  My wife of 30 years left me 4 months ago.  Now I care for my special needs son all alone.  Our therapist had said that is why she left.  She suffers from Compassion Fatigue for helping me care for our son for 25 years now.

The wonderful people here in this forum, tools on these forums, friends, family, therapy, meditation all help.  I also recommend reading Stop Walking on Eggshells,  I saw my wife and her behaviors on almost every page.

Practicing self care is huge.  What has helped me is realizing my wife’s behaviors are because of the BPD illness, not because she wants to be that way.  I don’t text her unless she texts me first.  I just live my life and focus on me and what I want.  It isn’t easy, but it does get easier.  A good friend on this forum (SH4) introduced me to “Radical Acceptance”.  I accept that this is my current situation.  I don’t have to agree with it.  I don’t have to like it.  But I accept this is what it is in this moment.  That has helped me when I’m feeling angry for my wife leaving me.

Hang in there.  We are all here for you and we will keep listening to your stories with understanding and support.

Gadget