He broke a rib and I didn't visit soon enough

[calmboom]

It's been two years since a major disregulation and this one caught me a bit offguard.  (In a 11year relationship/not married or engaged (his choice) /live 50 miles apart)
In a nutshell, my UBPD BF fell last week and thinks he broke some ribs.  I was leaving for a business trip and called/text each day to check in on him.  When I returned, a number of circumstances occurred including not having a vehicle for 2 days that caused me not to make the 50 mile trip to see him in person. But I continued to call/text him each of those 3 days back and nothing seemed amiss. 
Until...the day of the concert we had bought expensive tickets for months in advance and planned to attend with friends.   He let me have it, first in a text rage saying I didn't care about him or I would have planned ahead of time and visited him when I returned from the business trip.  Then he raged in a phone call when I inquired about his angry texts.
He said, consider us "Broken up" and hung up on me.    Further attempts to make contact yielded more texts of "I've said my peace" and leave me alone. And "we have nothing to talk about".   He is so convinced that I don't care because of what "I didn't do".   He emphasized one time that he brought me soup when I was sick some years back.  I BROUGHT YOU SOUP!  You didn't even visit!   I am painted black and there has been no further contact.  We never made it to the concert.
So from a BPD point of view, his little boy inside probably feels forgotten, cast aside, abandoned because I did not visit right away while he was hurting.  But I thought I was with an adult.   Not sure where to go from here.  I do feel bad that he is hurt and want to help where I can. I am genuinely missing him and told him that everyday.   Any insights/reminders you can offer?  No contact the way to go? 

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[Radcliff]

I'm sorry you've experienced a sudden blowup, and sorry you missed that expensive concert.  Our pwBPD usually need to come down on their own, but it's important for us to be available to them when they're ready to reconnect.  We can also enhance the chances of a good reconnection by signalling our availability very gently.  A text like, "thinking of you and missing you today" can be good.  Then leave it alone and wait for him to contact you.  If there's a really long silence you can send another gentle signal, without any perceptible "ask," such as "I saw some flowers that made me remember the hike we took last spring."

Thinking back to previous blowups, did he do anything to signal his readiness to reconnect?

RC

[calmboom]

Thanks Radcliff and supporters. 
Sometime UBPD BF pops up due to a holiday, to finish a promised project, or attend a prearranged event.  Right now we have nothing scheduled or promised so I'm really interested to see how this plays out.  He usually winterizes my sprinkler system every year but probably can't/won't due to his injury.  I'm not waiting to find out and am paying to have it done but I'm guessing at some point he may contact me about it.   Even though we don't live together he would come over 3 times a week, so he has many personal effects at my house, along with tools and such.

On the 4th day of NC, I texted "thinking of you and missing you".  And 3 more days have passed and there has been no reply.  The silent treatment thus continues.   I can see how much I have grown in that I am no longer sulking or consumed with wonder on what he is doing or how to fix things.  I am unsettled some but not consumed with it.

I realize that it has done no good in past years to try and "plead my case" to convince him that I wasn't trying to slight him by not rushing to his aid or whatever the perceived infraction is.  In the stage of being devalued, it hasn't helped to explain or share my point of view.  So it seems my best option now is to carry on and get into my life, (even one without him in it) as unfortunate as that is.    The thought of "this is so unnecessary keeps spinning in my head".  I miss him.  I do feel some relief though that the drama is far from my door right now.  I have been able to catch up on things I've wanting to do and that gives me a sense of peace and accomplishment.   I do feel support in this forum and welcome any insights or comments you have as the ST continues.

[Gemsforeyes]

Hi calmbloom-

I’m sorry about this... not easy stuff.  And it never is.  What works for me, and it’s usually my signal to my uBPDbf that I’m beginning to “forgive” him, I’m thinking of him and just because he exploded and unleashed a truckload of bad words, I don’t HATE him... I’ll text him a photo of my dog (who he adores); of my dog and me; or of my orchids (he “planted” them). Those photos make him VERY happy.

Not sure if your BF likes treats, but you may consider baking a batch of homemade cookies and sending them or quickly dropping them off at his door. 

Now this is just me, but if you really want to reduce the conflict, I think you’ve got to eat crow on this one.  Broken ribs are extremely painful.  I know a few people (nons) who’ve had them, and they were moaning loudly and needing lots of help and attention.  I’d truly apologize and tell your BF you are SORRY and did not fully understand the pain and hardship associated with this injury.   

Maybe?

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[calmboom]

I thought on it and decided to take the sound advice of Gemsforeyes.
I had assumed that ubpdbf's injury was something that would be uncomfortable but manageable in a short period of time.  I realized that I never considered that maybe it was much more than that.  So I drove the distance with puppy (he loves this dog!) and cookies in hand to make a heartfelt apology for not visiting sooner. 
He opened the door sleepily, (this was the middle of the day) and let us in, often saying "I am so surprised you are here".

For the first hour he would not look me in the face, but was warm to the pup.  I gave my apology without expectations.  I decided not to ask or talk about anything regarding relationships, actions on the day in question, nothing.  Just a true I'm sorry for not being there type apology and meaning it. 
The more the time passed, the more he seemed like he was thawing.  I offered to drive and buy him takeout dinner, which he accepted, and joined me for the ride.  While waiting for the food, he went into the nearby grocery.
We also took the dog for a walk, it surprised me when he wanted to go.  He walked me to my car when it was time for me to leave and gave a hug and quick peck on the lips.   So he seemed like he was relieved/happy to see me.

Not sure what the path ahead looks like, but the apology was the way to go this time.   I think him seeing me in person helped solidify his memory of me, and helped the "black paint" turn back toward a grey white-ish.

[Radcliff]

Great work!  First, you've hit the nail on the head as far as not consuming yourself with overthinking and worry.  Great advice, Gemsforeyes!  This is a fantastic example of the power of community here, of getting input from multiple directions.  I would never thought of Gems' suggestion to mix it up and approach him with an apology.  It reminds us that every couple is different, and every situation is different.  Your apology was especially powerful because it was carefully considered, genuine, and given without expectations.

Keep us posted on how it's going!

RC

[Gemsforeyes]

I’m very glad to hear this, calmbloom!

Over the years, my uBPDbf has picked up tips on caring for me by how I’ve cared for him when he’s been sick.  We’ve been together for 6 years and don’t currently live together either (we have in the past for periods of time).

Will you do a few more trips with your pup to visit him until he’s healed enough to drive the trip? 

I’d say bring a comedy video (mine can watch the same comedies over and over), and laugh with him.  Slip into conversation in a light way “we’ve got to take care of each other”... and leave it at that.  Bring some good food and treats.  Walk the pup together and remember why you’re together. 

Only good stuff.  When a person is in physical pain, he doesn’t  want to be reminded of emotional pain and stuff he’s done “wrong”.  A BPD man is feeling “punished” already.  The “WHY ME?” syndrome... my guy would be.

That’s all I’ve got, but great job, my friend!

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes