Can I do anything to help her figure out her confused feelings for me?

[Gaasden]

Firstly, I'd like to say that I really appreciate this website and everything that is being done to help others. This is my first time posting on here, so I'll be as brief as possible and probably unintentionally leave out important details. Please ask me any and all questions to get a clearer picture of my situation.

We met through work back in January, but I didn't start to catch feelings for her until around August. I'm 21 years old, and she is 26 years old. Physically, she's not my type, but her personality is so freaking awesome! I ended up telling her that I had started to like her as more than a friend. She reacted by being extremely confused, and she kept questioning and doubting my feelings for her. For a week or two, she kept telling me that it's only a crush and that it'll pass. I suppose my persistence convinced her otherwise because we ended up dating for a bit. We never had sex, but we did sleep together and touch each other on multiple occasions. Every time that I'd try to initiate sex, she'd reject me and tell me to take things slow.

One day, she told me that she was wasting my time (because she felt the same way about me as before - confused and unsure) and that we should go back to being JUST friends, which I understood and accepted. The following day, I (for whatever reason) remembered something that she had told me weeks before. I knew that she was dealing with some things that she goes to therapy for. And I remember her telling me very subtly in conversation that multiple professionals had speculated that she might have BPD. For whatever reason, I brushed it off not realizing the gravity of it (mostly because I had no clue what BPD was other than a mental disorder). That night, I spent countless hours researching BPD and being shocked at how eerily her behavior was similar to that of a pwBPD. Knowing the risks, I decided to bring it up the next time I saw her, and we ended up having a really long, deep, and emotional conversation. She opened completely up to me and explaining the hell that she was living in daily.

A few days later, I was texting her and felt that something was off. I asked her if she'd like me to come over because it was obvious that she was sad. I ended up coming over and found her bloody in the bathroom as she had started cutting again. I spent the rest of the day comforting her, and I ended up sleeping over. The next time we hung out, I ended up sleeping over again and cuddling with her and touching her intimately... again. She asked me to watch the movie "Friends with Benefits" on a different night, which I took as a hint. But again, she rejected my advances, and we ended up doing the same old. Every time we talked about "us", she told me that she wasn't ready to commit to a relationship. When I ask her why, she tells me that she's mostly afraid because of her past experiences with relationships.

We went out to eat a couple of days ago, and she ended up telling me that she had started texting a guy that she had dated before. She felt that she had to tell me this before going any further because otherwise she'd feel like she was "cheating" on me... remember, we're just "friends". In her own words, she doesn't like the guy at all. He's intolerable and really annoying to be around, but he's the best lay she's ever had. Back when they used to date, she grew tired of him after a couple of weeks, but she endured for a few months because of the sex.

She wanted to know how I felt about that, which I obviously did not feel good about. But I don't own her, and we're not in a committed relationship, so I told her to do it if she wanted to. BUT! We can't keep on being "friends" whilst being so intimate with each other. I explained to her that I can't be her boyfriend when she needs me to be, but then seek sex elsewhere. That's just torture. She was devastated at my reaction and convinced that we couldn't remain friends because "we're so attracted to each other", so we can't keep our hands to ourselves. The following day, she blocked me from all social media after writing a long apology saying that since I can't leave her, she needs to leave me before she destroys me mentally as she's done with past partners.

Today, she angrily texted me again. She wasn't necessarily blaming me for her problems, but she was definitely angry about having feelings for me. She wrote a long message explaining that she truly does love me, but she's confused. She told me: "I want you, but I'm afraid to have you... does that make sense?". She explained that she was deeply considering cutting contact with the guy that she's dating. Already, she's intentionally waiting upwards of three hours to text him back because he's so annoying and dull. But she still hasn't made up her mind about me... though she thinks of me all day every day.

What can I do if I should do anything?

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RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[ColdKnight]

Hello and welcome,

That is a tough situation to be in. I would take things very slow. Let her come to you and don’t pressure her about sex.

I believe what you said about not being her boyfriend when she needs you and seeking sex elsewhere is valid. I think you set a clear boundary. She obviously didn’t like it but is seems she understands as she is reaching back out to you.

I recommend “I hate you, don’t leave me” as a good read. There is a really good section on communication in that book.

Two others are:
Stop walking on eggshells and Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist

I believe these are essential reading if you plan to move forward in any kind of relationship friendly or romantically.

[Gaasden]

It's been a couple of days since I wrote the original post and a lot has happened since then.

I talked with a mutual acquaintance who has been diagnosed with BPD. Stupid me thought that it would be a great way to get some insight and real-life feedback on my situation. I ended up telling the mutual acquaintance about her self-mutilation, which no one except me knows about. The mutual acquaintance, of course, ended up confronting her about it. I ended up receiving a really long text from her, where she explained that she was angry and disappointed at me. She calmed down after I explained my reasoning.

The next day at work, she ran up to me and gave me a really big and long hug. She told me how much she's been missing me and that she's been such an idiot. I ended up cuddling with her that night... and pretty much every night since then so far. She explained to me that she blew off the other guy and nothing ended up happening between them. She showed me her text messages to and from him to prove it. A few days ago, he sent her a really long text confessing his love for her whilst we were cuddling. She ended up telling him that she wasn't interested in him like that.

Two nights ago, a friend of hers came over to visit. I spent some time with them before going to a bar with some of my friends. They ended up coming to the bar as well later that night. She got the bartender to bring me a beer "... from a pretty lady across the bar". Once again, I ended up sleeping over at her place. Whilst cuddling in bed, she admitted that she is indeed in love with me. But she's afraid of committing to a relationship, which is why it's been easier for her to not label us as anything except "friends". After fooling around for a bit, I kissed her and we made out. She explained that kissing makes it seem even more real, which scares her even more. She's been a lot more sexual as well, but there's been nothing apart from touching each other

I recommend “I hate you, don’t leave me” as a good read. There is a really good section on communication in that book.

Thank you for the recommendation, I've reserved it from the local library. I'll be sure to read it!