Bad Night

[Our abuse recovery guide]

My mother in law threatened suicide tonight. We asked her if she was serious about her claim and she said, "I want to die. I want to die today. If I had a gun, I'd shoot myself in the face." We told her we were calling 911 if she meant it, and she said, "If you want to lock me up, lock me up. If you want to kick me out, kick me out. I don't care." She wouldn't give us a straight answer.

So we called 911 and they took her to the hospital. She wouldn't let us go with her.

So now we are sitting at home wondering if we did the right thing. And worried about what will happen next. She said she was done with us. And then texted us that we can go on with our lives and that she isn't our concern anymore.

She lives with us. And in spite of the chaos, we do love her. And we are worried that the hospital will just release her and we won't know where she is.

Has anyone been through something like this?

[Spindle0516]

My mother in law threatened suicide tonight. We asked her if she was serious about her claim and she said, "I want to die. I want to die today. If I had a gun, I'd shoot myself in the face." We told her we were calling 911 if she meant it, and she said, "If you want to lock me up, lock me up. If you want to kick me out, kick me out. I don't care." She wouldn't give us a straight answer.

So we called 911 and they took her to the hospital. She wouldn't let us go with her.

So now we are sitting at home wondering if we did the right thing. And worried about what will happen next. She said she was done with us. And then texted us that we can go on with our lives and that she isn't our concern anymore.

She lives with us. And in spite of the chaos, we do love her. And we are worried that the hospital will just release her and we won't know where she is.

Has anyone been through something like this?

[Harri]

Hi.  I am sorry this happened.

I have not been through this except when I was younger my father used to talk about killing himself and wanting to die a lot.  He never did anything and I was too young to call for help or even know I should as it was just my dad being my dad.

I wanted to respond anyway.  I think you did well handling things by calling for help after telling her you would if she was serious.   You did the right thing in my opinion.   

And we are worried that the hospital will just release her and we won't know where she is.

This is worrisome.  Does she have the means to take care of and live on her own?  If not she may need to rely on friends or other family members.  Is that likely in your opinion?  I am just trying to figure out how you can keep track of her. 

Have you been able to talk with anyone in the hospital?  They probably can't share info with you but you might be able to share info with them if that is something you want to do.

[TelHill]

You did the right thing for her and for your peace of mind. So sorry she is in this state. I am thinking good thoughts for you.

[Spindle0516]

ome.  Does she have the means to take care of and live on her own?  If not she may need to rely on friends or other family members.  Is that likely in your opinion?  I am just trying to figure out how you can keep track of her.  

We were able to talk to the hospital. Like you said, they couldn't share much, but we were able to provide more information. They also confirmed she will have to be released into the care of someone.

We are glad she is safe. And we are hopeful this will be an opportunity to get some of the help we know she needs, but we are definitely anxious about what the environment will be like in the house when she returns.

 

I have not been through this except when I was younger my father used to talk about killing himself and wanting to die a lot.  He never did anything and I was too young to call for help or even know I should as it was just my dad being my dad.

My husband said that he had similar experiences when he was younger with his mom. She would often threaten to kill herself, but he was too young to realize that he should ask for help. He even said that one time when he was about 12, his mom got upset and started having his younger sister count out valium pills for her to take so that she could die. She never took them because he got really upset about it. Even though he was old enough to realize her actions weren't right, he didn't realize it was something other adults could help with. She has had other suicide threats before- she does it frequently- but the tone of her her threats tonight definitely felt different from previous ones.

[Notwendy]

I don't know if you are in the US, but hospitals in the US have social workers on staff.

When my father was ill, I was concerned about him being released to go home with BPD mom. My parents pretended she was a caring wife and the hospital staff assumed that. I was concerned he'd be left on his own for meals and not have anyone help him.

Would your MIL qualify for inpatient care at a psych facility? Home health care? Therapy? A couple of days in the hospital won't stop her behavior. I don't know what options you have. You may not be able to know the details of her medical situation, but I think you are still able to speak to hospital staff about your concerns, since they arrange her discharge.

My BPD mom has made attempts and threats. It was scary as a child. I know that this kind of thing is out of my hands, and needs to be managed by professionals. It's OK to ask for help from them and know what is available for her.

[Lstrayed]

Hi! Unfortunately, yes I know what you're going through! First and foremost I'm so sorry you are going through this! And secondly, I wholeheartedly believe you did the right thing! When I was younger my brother committed suicide! He never threatened and never indicated he was to that point! I never had the chance to help him or intervene.  I do believe that if someone is truly suicidal that is how it happens. No chances to stop them! After years of my bpd mother using me as her grief counselor/emotional caretaker/punching bag she threatened suicide. I had my own family and could no longer be there for her in the way she wanted me to. She called me and told me she was ready to end it all with suicide. Though I believe her agony is/was real..it isn't ok to put that on another person. In my case, I was a young mother of 3 young(babies) kids! I lost my brother to suicide and she knew it would trigger me! I believe it was her way of pulling me back in and making me feel responsible for her! I called my Dad to come home from work and told her I was going to call..she back pedaled. I explained to them that if she ever said that to me again I would call 911 and have her committed. I also told her at that point she couldn't call me again until she received some help! I didn't see them for 2 years after that. She has never threatened again. Luckily I had a good therapist at the time and she reassured me I was doing the right thing! Suicide threats are a call for help...and that's exactly what you did. You called for help! We aren't qualified to help in that way! Suicide threats are also a huge form of control and manipulation! Unless the person is our underage child, we CAN'T be responsible to keep someone who is mentally unstable alive! It's too big of a burden to bear and it will crush us! When your mil returns(and I think she will) my advice is to demand that she continue to recieve help for her suicidal feelings and I would explain to her that if she says it again you will have her committed again. It's all you can do! I know it's much easier said than done! So many of my nights were haunted by the thought of losing another family member this way! And I've had so much anger about the dysfunction I come from! Of course I have love for her and can't imagine losing her to suicide! It still terrifies me! I'm scared to confront her and wont because I'm scared she will choose to "punish" me in the ultimate way! No child, even adult child, should have to worry about a parent in this way! In my situation I am learning to have bouts of no contact when needed and keep her at arms length with very little contact the rest of the time(it's not perfect but I have to take care of myself) It seems your situation is different in that you and your husband take care of her? I wish I had more or better advice for you! All I can stress is that you let her know you will always take those comments seriously and do what you did by calling for professional help! If it was attention seeking she might never do it again after this experience! If she truly feels suicidal then she is where she needs to be right now! You are doing all you CAN do because you love her! Wishing you all the best!

[Spindle0516]

Thank you for all the responses. It has been a long weekend, but she was released from the hospital yesterday. She has a follow up appointment with a therapist and is saying she wants to go to a psychiatrist.

I am so relieved she is out of the hospital because the conditions were not ideal.

However, the night before she was released she called me and said the most horrible things about me. About how I ruined her family, ruined my husband, that I control and manipulate him. That she knew I would change after we got married (been together 5 years, married in June) and that "everyone" told her this would happen, that I would change, and she was right. It went on and on. It was awful.

I am glad she is safe. I am glad she is okay. But I feel so hurt. My husband is so happy she is home. And that she understands the implications of what happened. Suicide was never actually part of her plan, she was using it as a means to get her other daughter to call her, but she didn't seem to realize how badly it would scare the rest of her family. (Which surprises me. I lost my 14 year old cousin to suicide and she should know that it is not something I would take lightly) She apologized in depth to everyone. I got a small apology recognizing that her own actions were the reasons she ended up in the hospital, but not for all the hurtful things she said to me. I know she was nervous when she did it, so she might have meant to apologize for everything. I am not sure.

The thing is, I don't trust it. I feel like something in me broke when she said all of that and I feel myself being distant. I don't feel the relief my husband feels. I want to support him. I know watching his mom go through this has been so painful.

This is the most extreme incident we have had with her, and maybe this will be a catalyst for change, but we have been through cycles where she is open to help, but the follow through wanes after about a month.

I am not the direct child of someone with BPD. I cannot manage how difficult it is, but it is not easy being the daughter in law too. I want to be supportive of her and my husband and protect myself, but I dont know how to do all of that without holding everyone at arms length, but that is just not in my nature, nor does it feel like an honest relationship with my husband.

I would love some feedback on how other people navigate all this.

[Panda39]

Hi Spindle0516,

Just chiming in...you did the right thing calling 911.  You are not a professional so when faced with this kind of stuff get the professionals involved.

I can hear in your post how much you care for your husband, his family and yes even his mom (that's the difference between someone with BPD and without BPD...we can see the gray areas, you can care about your MIL and still not like what she said to you)

In terms of negotiating all of the this...how do you define "keeping people at arms length"? Is this distancing yourself emotionally or would this involve setting boundaries?

Have you discussed with your husband the things his mother said?  What was his reaction?

Panda39

[Harri]

 

However, the night before she was released she called me and said the most horrible things about me. About how I ruined her family, ruined my husband, that I control and manipulate him. That she knew I would change after we got married (been together 5 years, married in June) and that "everyone" told her this would happen, that I would change, and she was right. It went on and on. It was awful.

Why did you stay on the phone with her?  Being supportive and having empathy and understanding for her does not mean listening to her go on and on and abuse you.  That is unacceptable.    Boundaries are important here to protect yourself.  What can you do differently next time she begins to tear you apart like that?  

Withdrawing and protecting yourself like you are is a normal reaction to what she did.  I would take this time as an opportunity to change things up and start interacting with her differently.  Boundaries, SET, Don't JADE, don't invalidate, all come to mind.  You can find links to articles about them here and then we can talk about them.  See what you think.

We also have an article that covers what it takes to be in a relationship with a pwBPD that I think will help you get a better picture of what a healthy role looks like.The do's and don'ts in a BPD relationship

[Spindle0516]

Why did you stay on the phone with her?  Being supportive and having empathy and understanding for her does not mean listening to her go on and on and abuse you.  That is unacceptable.     Boundaries are important here to protect yourself.  What can you do differently next time she begins to tear you apart like that?

In hindsight, I should have hung up sooner, but I got caught up in the moment. I eventually realized that there was no reason for me to continue participating in the conversation, so I did hang up.

(After berating me for ten minutes, she immediately and very calmly asked me if I was coming to get her from the hospital. I asked her why she thought I would want to come get her after she just told me what a horrible person I was, but the concept was lost on her. I then told her that I didn't have anything else to say and that I had to go.)

(If the whole conversation wasn't so upsetting, it would have been almost comical.)

In terms of negotiating all of the this...how do you define "keeping people at arms length"? Is this distancing yourself emotionally or would this involve setting boundaries?

Have you discussed with your husband the things his mother said?  What was his reaction?

Panda39

I actually spoke to my husband at length about all of that this morning. Both my husband and brother in law have been wonderful about standing up for me/ letting her know that none of us find that behavior acceptable. (After we hung up on the phone, I called my brother in law to update him on the conversation, but instead cried my eyes out for ten minutes!) They both have had further conversations with her about her behavior toward me and how inappropriate/unacceptable and cruel it can be.

And I guess what makes me nervous is distancing myself emotionally? I guess I am struggling with understanding what an emotional boundary looks like with her. When things are tense, I can physically walk away, but she can hold onto anger and I cannot hide in my room all day.

Also, thank you for all the links to the other articles. I have read most of them already, but keep going back to them as references/reminders for myself.