Advice for fiancé with bpd and severe traumatic brain injury anger problems

[Waykeness]

Iv been in a relationship with a man Iv known for twenty years. Iv been romantically involved with him for four years. We dated briefly in high school. Found one after he went through a divorce while in his coma and I was a widow and single mother of my son. He had to learn to do everything on his own. Lost his medical insurance after he moved out of state with family. He was as in a wheelchair for the first year of our relationship. He went from a family with two daughters (whom I love dearly and ex wife whom I love as well) to being single. He emerged from his five month coma to an entirely different version of himself. I remember a difference about him on our first date. Not that he couldn’t walk. It was his personality. After high school we went our separate ways and I had heard he had difficulties in life. All the struggles he encountered were the result of his bpd. Now he’s living with a TBI AND BPD. The perfect storm. He has spent time in jail during our relationship and shown extreme rage and dangerous outbursts. We have a small child of our own. There have been restraining orders for myself and children’s safety. Which he violated. Orders of protection from his ex wife and children. Drug charges and burglary. All extreme efforts on his behalf when the loved ones in his life have had no choice but establishing concrete boundaries. He can be the absolute best! The most gentle empathetic loving man. I’m honestly at my wits end with living in extreme stress. Any medication or communication advice suggestions is greatly appreciated. He’s on Prozac and it helps. But he needs stabilized. His emotions and moods fluctuate something fierce. I feel alone and hate myself for still loving him. I truly believe he can improve. His first ever psychiatrist appointment is in a little over a week!

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[ForeverDad]

You've had four years to help him improve his perceptions and behaviors.  Regardless whether the TBI and changed BPD-like behaviors were his fault or not, you need to deal with the reality of the situation.  Deal with "What Is".

Also, if BPD is a factor, then you can't fix him.  BPD is a disorder where close relationships trigger worse behaviors.  The emotional baggage of the close relationship is just too intense for him to truly listen.  He would have to want to change and you trying to help just clouds everything.  If someone could help and guide, it would have to be someone without an emotional relationship with him, such as a professional like a therapist.

Protection orders are serious stuff, not to be diminished in relevance.  Sadly, how much you love him isn't the determining factor.  You and all the children are being impacted severely.  Do you see the need to re-evaluate your priorities?  Maybe you can still show some love - but at a less-unsafe distance.  And distance will help you recover emotionally and be able to better protect yourself and all the various children - his, hers and ours.

I guess my question is, Do you see the need as starkly as I do?  We here are on the outside looking in.  We can have objectivity as well as past experience (what usually works and what usually doesn't work) we can share with you.