What to do

[anon5678911]

Hello,
I find it very hard to talk/write about. My family has been through a very tough time dealing with a sibling with BPD. My strategy has been to cut off all contact leaving my mother as the only life line to this person. This makes me feel guilty, sad and afraid but I cannot cope with this person, it makes me ill and I have to take care of myself and my children.
Now, another episode has ocurred and again I don't know how to deal with it. If I intervene, all hell will break loose and nothing will be solved. If I remain uninvolved, I know I will have to carry this dark cloud around with me for a couple of months until things calm down, till next time.

How do others cope?

[Swimmy55]

HI Anon,
 I am pretty new to this particular board myself.  I/ we understand the depths of how hard it is to articulate what is going on with our BPD loved ones.  
I assume your sibling is an adult and not a minor? If so, then the first order of business is safety and well being for all.  Boundaries are necessary, but often difficult to enforce, especially with BPD adults.  Here is a link in this forum that may help:
https://bpdfamily.com/content/setting-boundaries
The next thing is to grapple with  the guilt and "uncomfortableness" of enforcing the boundary.  Both of these take time and you are going to have to learn how to be comfortable with the uncomfortable.  You also need to start believing that you have rights as well, just as the BPD does.  

[anon5678911]

Hi Swimmy55,
thank you, just reading your words and the forum posts has been a relief. Still working on feeling safe enough to walk through this emotional maelstrom.
Thank you again for your kind words, and all posters for sharing.

[Swimmy55]

Please post here any time.  Also, look over the  suggested reading materials on the site.  I have read  " Walking on Eggshells" and the first chapter states that focusing on ourselves and our needs is the first order of business in helping our BPD others. 

[Harri]

Hi!  I am joining with Swimmy in saying

Dealing with a family member with BPD or BPD traits can be very challenging especially so when other family members are involved.  Things can get pretty complicated.  The good news is that while we may not be able to change our pwBPD (person with BPD) we can improve our own situations by learning about the disorder, the behaviors and how we react to them and then using coping strategies that aid in self care and sometimes can improve relationships.  That was an awkward sentence... hope it makes sense. 

Can you tell us more about some of the behaviors that made you withdraw from your relationship?  It will help us better guide you as you continue to post.

Again, welcome.

[anon5678911]

Hi Harri,
thank you for your interest.
Basically, the decision for NC was made when there were threats to my children, as in threatening to report me to child services for being a bad mother because I was a monster (when I refused to come for Christmas). That's when I decided that "when the audience has left the circus is over". After several years of therapy, I have come to terms with my decision but it still shakes me when I receive a call from my mother in tears.

Thankfully, my parents (my father has stated his support this time) are taking it in stride this time and are not reacting with panic to suicide threats, furious outbursts and paranoid accusations. This person needs help but we cannot provide the assistance required. We all understand we can help to some extent with the basics (housing, food, etc.) and point to a professional when things get too messy, all while protecting ourselves from being sucked in.

Thank you again, it is such a relief to know we are not alone with this. Where I live, mental health issues in the family are still something to be kept behind  closed doors.