How do we tell our children about my husband's mother?

[MrsKitty]

Good morning, this is of course my first post here.  I have been reading the posted articles and they are very informative and helpful.

My husband and I have a problem and we are going to be seeking out counseling but I thought I would ask here as well to get as much perspective as I can.

My MIL suffers from BPD, I don't think I need to go into all the past and dirty details, I'm sure you are all very well aware of what it is like and can imagine the trouble we have worked through.  It got so bad that my husband decided to go no contact with his mother just to preserve his sanity.  It was and is a terrible decision but he had to do something because he was not handling it well at all. 

Well that was 7 years ago this December.  We truly have had no contact in 7 years.  When my husband decided to go no contact with his Mother the rest of his family became very upset with him and decided that since he had done that they would have nothing to do with him.  His Mother ran a very effective campaign against him with the family and because he refused to be drawn into it he also lost contact with all of his family.  They refuse to speak to him (other than some very nasty letters from his grandmother about how he is living in hate) because he decided, needed to go no contact with his Mother.  The past 7 years have actually been pretty great (I feel so awful saying that)   My husbands mental health is so much better. He has gone through the survivor process, dealt with his grief and come out the other side.  He has moved on, has a successful job and I am very proud of him.  He is happy and he deserves to be happy.

But, we now have two children.  Who are getting older and we know they are soon going to be asking questions about Dad's family.  We are planning on going to counseling to talk with someone on how to deal with this and how to best explain it to our children.  But I thought it wouldn't hurt to get as much input on this as possible and thought I would seek out others who may have gone through this.  How did you explain this to your children? How do you explain the decision to go no contact and lose all of your family because of it?  We are worried and don't want to mess this up.

 I guess we are worried because we have received some unpleasant letters from his Grandmother telling us we are raising our children in hate and we are hateful people and that we are going to have our children hate us for not having these grandparents in our lives.  That really got to my husband.  We do not respond back to the letters, but just put them aside. 

I truly wish that things were not like this.  Going no contact is a terrible decision but I really think it was the right thing to do.   But at the time we never thought we would have two children and be dealing with a situation like this.  And honestly I don't know if we will ever be in contact with them again.  We talk about it and we have never come to a conclusion on if that will ever happen. 

The children do have family in their lives - we are involved with my family and we have a church family and very close friends so the children are not losing out on relationships with other people. 

Does anyone have some words of wisdom for us?  Have you gone through this yourself?   We could really use some peace of mind.

[Deb]

My nieces are no contact with their dBPD mother. They have children and honestly, those children never asked about their grandmother. They have met her once, at a wedding,  and expressed no interest in her. My nieces just didn't bring her up and the kids never asked.  Their ages are from 9 to 19.  They met their grandmother 18 months ago and have not asked about her since. So maybe,  you won't have to say anything.

[zachira]

You are wondering about how to tell your children about your husband's mother. It would all depend on the children's ages and how mature they are. Young children need to feel safe and know that their parents will protect them. Explanations should be brief and at a level the children can understand. Older children will reach a point when they are ready for more detailed explanations. With young children, it is important that they know that you made the choice to have no contact with their grandmother. Young children often think that something is wrong with them when there are family problems. You are doing the right thing by consulting a therapist to figure out what might be the best way to let your children learn about their grandmother with BPD. There are many members who post here who have a mother with BPD who will share with you how they have explained the grandmother with BPD to their children.

[Panda39]

I guess we are worried because we have received some unpleasant letters from his Grandmother telling us we are raising our children in hate and we are hateful people and that we are going to have our children hate us for not having these grandparents in our lives.

You and your husband know this is FOG(Fear, Obligation, Guilt) or emotional blackmail, right?

How old are your kids?  Does your Husband's family live nearby?  Do your kids see your parents?

My thought is if the kids are very young going into everything about Grandma might not be necessary for now. If your Husband's family lives out of State for example maybe for now just tell them the travel is too far.  Not necessarily lying but just kicking the elephant in the room down the road a ways until the kids are older.

If your kids are older I would be honest and let them know that Grandma has emotional problems/is mentally ill and it is healthier for your family not to visit with her.

My dad had a mentally ill sister, we just didn't visit her.  We visited his other 2 sisters and their families but not his oldest sister.  I, as a kid didn't think anything about it just thought she lived far away so we couldn't visit.  Later when I was older I found out more about my aunt.  She had mental health issues, then her husband was killed in a car crash (trauma) , she was seeing multiple doctors on multiple medications, and was a mess.  My dad at one point got her all straightened out and got assistance for her and she just went back to her old ways.  She was unwilling or unable to change and my dad was unwilling to continue a relationship with her as she was.  As a teen I understood why he didn't see his sister, she would have been a bottomless pit of care-taking for my dad.  He had is own family to care for and she was an adult so he did a hard thing and let her take care of herself which she did even if it wasn't the way my dad would have liked.

Panda39