New at this

[LadyL]

I have been in a relationship for 9 years with a man I love dearly. About two years in I notice a recurring pattern of 5 of the 9 symptoms for BPD. The other symptoms I cannot confirm as he has never divulge feelings of suicide and other more serious matters. I have been trying to understand him all this time and decided to do some research on mental illnesses since I know what I see is dysfunction manifesting. Well my research lead me to discover that he may possibly have BPD. I love him dearly and know he is a good person and would not physically harm me. But I need to understand how to live with him without triggering him and being sucked into a whirlwind of dysfunction and blame towards me. I hoped to find a support group and knowledge. I do not think he will take my opinion that he may have BPD well and will result in more of the same angry outburst and nastiness from his mouth.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Harri]

Hi ladyL and welcome to the site!

You are in a great place to learn tools and strategies that can help you in your relationship so I am glad you are reaching out.

But I need to understand how to live with him without triggering him and being sucked into a whirlwind of dysfunction and blame towards me.

We can help with this.  Things can definitely get better.  I am not sure that you can avoid his triggers 100% though.  Part of being in a relationship with someone with BPD or BPD traits also requires learning coping skills for us too.

I hoped to find a support group and knowledge. I do not think he will take my opinion that he may have BPD well and will result in more of the same angry outburst and nastiness from his mouth.

Well we are definitely a supportive group of people who understand.  We get it.  You are not alone either.  Generally, we do not recommend telling a partner about our suspicions that they may have BPD.  Some people can hear the message and take it well but a lot can not.  You know your husband best so I would not say anything. 

If you ahd to pick one issue to start working on, what would it be?  If you can give examples of conversations and situations it will help us better help you.

In the mean time, I hope you settle in and read and feel free to jump into other threads here.  We all work together to learn and part of that is done by responding to others.  It is easier to see problems and even solutions in another persons situation sometimes before we can see it in our own.

Again,

[LadyL]

Thank you for the kind message Harri. It is alot to deal with, with many little things that lead up to bigger arguments. The biggest issue is not getting my opinion across ever. He wants to win every argument and will twist it for a win. He focuses on why I am wrong, deflectng his involvement unless he cannot (typically when he is inarguably wrong), he makes little things seem so grave and dramatic and he is obsessed with me apologizing and the lack thereof. He starts every sentence ( in an argument) with you need to learn...or you fail to see, or you get it? I feel like he is condescedent and behaves as if I am stupid at times when in reality I am educated, easy going, compassionate and forgiving. Many times I am offended and defensive. He then focuses on "my need to defend myself or disclaim". He shuts down the arguement with this and is then convinced that I am wrong and he is right. Then he further angers himself if I dont apologize. He trys to take away things he can control to punish me like himself. He goes to his mothers house for the day, doesn't call and comes back after dinner. After its all over and he is no longer angry he appears so tired and almost depressed. I feel so bad for him and for me. He also tells me that there is nothing I can say ( during and argument) that will change his mind on my opinion ever so dont even bother...and he is right. He is so convinced in his head he shuts off any of my words. It is as if he is protecting himself by holding on to his convictions. Its frustrating and makes me upset for days.

[Harri]

Hi again. 

What you are dealing with here is very frustrating, yet common in a lot of the relationship conflicts we talk about here (unfortunately).  I don't say that to minimize your experience, rather to let you know many of our members have learned how to respond better or are learning to deal with this sort of interaction right now.

It is as if he is protecting himself by holding on to his convictions.

I think this is a good observation.  He could very well be seeing this as a threat to himself and is reacting in ways that protect him and his perceptions.  It happens.  He feels threatened and will fight back.  Most people do that when upset, and BPD traits will make it even more likely to get this sort of reaction.

We talk about something here called Don't JADE and have a great article on it here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=139972.0  JADE stands for justify, argue, defend, explain.  When we do these things, it tends to further escalate the conflict and create even more obstacles to communication.  In addition, it puts us on the defensive making it seem like we actually have done something wrong.  See if you think Don't JADE will help you here. 

I understand the desire to defend and stand up for yourself.  Been there, done that.  It is hard not to when being blamed.  The thing is, it only furthers the conflict and makes me more miserable, frustrated and upset.  We talk about the tools as helping the pwBPD and the relationship and that is all true.  I also look at the tools as a way to self-care and protect myself in these very stressful situations.

See what you think and then we can talk a bit more about it.

Hang in there.  this al takes time and practice to learn.