Mother with personality disorder and dementia

[Depression = 72% of members]

I've read from these boards more years than I can say.  It has helped me greatly to understand that my mother has a personality disorder.  Now she is in the throws of dementia.  Pretty much if she is awake then she is raging.  She seems quite paranoid, too.  She rages at the people she has always either hated, been jealous of, or who saw through.  She hates dad and he, at 88, is the major recipient of her vileness.  I told her many years ago and in no uncertain terms I found her behavior horrid.  That was before her dementia induced rage really got out of hand about two months ago. 

Well, I am hoping my sister, who lives near our parents will join me here.  Maybe we can, with guidance, figure how to better protect all concerned.  I buried my mother many years ago so my emotional reaction is perhaps different.  Right now, I care about my dad and my sister and brother.  As for my feelings on mother...her rage is an exaggeration on the rage I grew up with and the dementia has further removed her boundaries.  Her ever-existing ugliness shines right through.

Anyway, what do we do?  Mother has called the police on dad several times recently.  They find her demented to some degree.  In Florida you can't Baker Act someone with dementia and even if you could it would do no good.  We are waiting for a memory care center with an opening but what can they do?  Nursing home?  Can we get her in just because she is mean and paranoid?  As of yet, she isn't a physical danger to herself or anyone else although dad is arranging for a solid locking door to barricade himself from her unrelenting anger.

Her car has been taken away, her check book, credit cards, etc.  He has to give her the xanax the doctor has prescribed because she loses it and hides it.  Last month it was found under the azalea bushes.

Idea?

[Nickerdoodle]

I've read from these boards more years than I can say.  It has helped me greatly to understand that my mother has a personality disorder.  Now she is in the throws of dementia.  Pretty much if she is awake then she is raging.  She seems quite paranoid, too.  She rages at the people she has always either hated, been jealous of, or who saw through.  She hates dad and he, at 88, is the major recipient of her vileness.  I told her many years ago and in no uncertain terms I found her behavior horrid.  That was before her dementia induced rage really got out of hand about two months ago. 

Well, I am hoping my sister, who lives near our parents will join me here.  Maybe we can, with guidance, figure how to better protect all concerned.  I buried my mother many years ago so my emotional reaction is perhaps different.  Right now, I care about my dad and my sister and brother.  As for my feelings on mother...her rage is an exaggeration on the rage I grew up with and the dementia has further removed her boundaries.  Her ever-existing ugliness shines right through.

Anyway, what do we do?  Mother has called the police on dad several times recently.  They find her demented to some degree.  In Florida you can't Baker Act someone with dementia and even if you could it would do no good.  We are waiting for a memory care center with an opening but what can they do?  Nursing home?  Can we get her in just because she is mean and paranoid?  As of yet, she isn't a physical danger to herself or anyone else although dad is arranging for a solid locking door to barricade himself from her unrelenting anger.

Her car has been taken away, her check book, credit cards, etc.  He has to give her the xanax the doctor has prescribed because she loses it and hides it.  Last month it was found under the azalea bushes.

Idea?

[Harri]

Hi.  I am so sorry you are dealing with this. 

The only suggestion I have for you regarding your mom is to call the Department of Elderly Affairs (or whatever it is called in your location) to see what they can suggest.  Have you tried that?

You mentioned this elevation in rage began 2 months ago.  Can you think of any incident that it may be linked to?  How does your father respond when she is like this?  Can you share any of the communication tools with him?  Do you think he would be receptive?  Would they help?

Just trying to brain storm with yo here.  Wish I had answers.  Let's see what we can come up with.

[Methuen]

It saddens me to read about the difficult and horrible dramas experienced on this board.  My heart goes out to you. 

When my father was diagnosed with dementia many years ago, my mother couldn't cope.  As a result, she was emotionally abusive towards him.  She used to go into rages too, and call him a retard.  It was aweful.  One day my father asked if I would take him to the doctor.  At the appointment, he asked me to join him for the consultation (his dementia was already advancing).  As my father told his story to the doctor, she replied:  "It sounds like you're wife has BPD.  She isn't going to change if she has refused therapy, so why stay with her?" 

My father wasn't in a "place" cognitively where he could make that decision, nor would he likely have considered it if he was.  In fact, he was shocked by the doctor's suggested solution.

What he did get from the appointment was an explanation of BPD, which was a revelation to both of us.

The abuse didn't change until my father went into a care home.  Mom "behaved" when people were around, but once family/friends left, and she became overwhelmed/frustrated, the abuse was instant.

The doctor's suggestion isn't going to work for a lot of people.  But at the time, it wasn't lost on me that it was an option.  If the BPD either refuses treatment, or doesn't have the capacity to consent to it for some reason (eg demetia), our father's should still have the right to feel safe in their marriage and in their own home.  If my father had wanted to go that route, I would have supported him.  However, after so many years of marriage, there are issues around co-dependency etc., and he of course still loved her.

Do you have a counsellor?  Is your dad's family doctor aware?  Are there neighbours who can provide a safe house if your dad feels unsafe?  Are there any community supports that could offer suggestions?  Sorry for the questions, but I'm just trying to brainstorm solutions. 

In my father's situation, I made sure that his home care and health care supports were fully aware of the situation.  It was very distressing for me to see my father treated this way, but he always knew he had an ally and advocate in me (and my husband).  I think that helped him.  He passed away 14 years ago.  I still miss him every day.   

[Harvest_Moon]

I’m sorry you’re going through this. I am experiencing a similar situation. I am going to check back for more ideas/suggestions, because I am at a loss. I honestly don’t want to get involved, but I may be forced to.
All the best.

[pursuingJoy]

Ugh. I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. We're not there yet but aging needs are around the corner and I'm absolutely dreading it.

So many of us are dealing with aging BPD parents. I'm going to start a separate thread to talk about related issues.

[Nickerdoodle]

So here we are.  As for me...I buried mother twice and now I have healed.  Someone here once said that the opposite of love isn't hate but that it is indifference.  If she dies I just don't care.  I was raised by a shell.  I will say that I have quit praying for her salvation.  God has heard me already in that endeavor.  Two days ago I changed my prayer.  Please, if you know she isn't written in the book of life take this demon from us now. 

As for now, I want to protect 88 year old dad and my sister.  He had some bad traits, too, but he has become soft and tender.  It all happened in a few months span.  How about that?  Do I totally trust it?  No.  Anyway, I want to protect my dad, and my sister, who sort of gets it but has health issues made worse from the stress and her desire to duck her head under the covers and pretend.  I don't think my mother is bpd.  I think she is npd.  Right now her ugliest traits are shining through.  Somehow those have been preserved.  Makes me believe in the devil.

Ma has taken to calling my sister every ten minutes.  Sis works from home and cannot take the calls so she doesn't but it gives her heart palpitations.  Sis also lives with a raging drunk.  It is like that song...clowns to the left of me...jokers to the right.

We are hanging by barbed wire.

[TelHill]

Sorry about this hard to bear situation.

My late MIL had dementia induced by a stroke. She lived in FL.

Pre-stroke, she had some age-related memory loss. She had some depression too but no PD. She was a normal lady.

The dementia made her paranoid & combative. The family put her in a small-scale  (5 other residents) facility for those with cognitive disorders. The cost was manageable because of the over supply of these homes in her area of FL. Medicare covered some of the cost. That’s what I was told.  The place was licensed by the state. It was a decent place. She passed away a few years before my husband.

I live far from FL and only visited a week every year for many years. Don’t know the state laws or regulations about this.

My humble opinion is to remove her from the home to a facility. It’s impossible for anyone to deal with her illnesses. It ruining the caregivers & stressful for her.  It’s the best thing for her to have care.

Sending you good thoughts.  

[Methuen]

Nickerdoodle
I can hear your despair.  Do whatever you need to do, to keep yourselves safe physically and emotionally.  Even if she's not physically abusive at the moment, it may escalate to that as her disease advances.  In the meantime, the emotional abusive can be just as damaging.  

I'm with TelHill.  It does sound like she needs to be removed to a facility.  She needs help that keeps both herself and others safe, and a facility should be able to provide this.  Failing that, maybe your dad might be ready to consider his options which could include leaving her abusive rages (as per my dad's doctor's suggestion mentioned earlier in the thread).  

Whatever you and your dad decide, remember to put your dad's and your siblings and your safety (including emotional safety) at the forefront.  

We all care about each other here.  Keep us posted.  It also helps us to learn from your experience, as well as letting us further support you.  Sending you the strength to do what you need to do to get through this.