My story

[Bhb]

 In Feb 2018 I thought my marriage was almost over. I was feeling quite low. My wife had decided that we needed counseling. We went to a Valentine's Day luncheon and heard a family and individual counselor speak. We agreed to start seeing her. We started this in March and after an initial visit, we met individually for a time, then together. And looking back, it is amazing how quickly the counselor caught on to the abuse going on in our relationship.

Throughout counseling I heard from my BPD that things were continually getting worse in our relationship, and when was I going to start working on it. (And that continues to this day.)  Of course there was nothing she needed to work on and she had already been waiting long enough.

During one session in the fall, we were able to get to a point where we had gotten into deeper emotions. My arms were around my wife (pwdBPD) and the counselor asked how I felt. I thought for a while and then stated, “Terrified! I feel scared to death!“ I remember seeing the counselor’s momentary look of surprise before returning to calm. That was the end of the session. On the way home I was verbally/emotionally abused for an hour about how each session “flays her open” and that “nothing ever gets resolved.”  And this is how each session went. The aftermath would last at least an hour, and many times it was longer. (One time it continued for 7 hours after the session. And later that week I counted having listened to her railing against me for at least 21 hours!)

In January, nine months after starting counseling, I heard the suggested diagnosis. My heart dropped. This would not go over well. I read “Stop Walking On Eggshells” as recommended by our counselor. From the first page, tears filled my eyes because the author was writing the story of my life. I could not believe it!  I am not alone!

I then read “The Essential Family Guide To Borderline Personality Disorder”, another book I recommend, which has given me great tools to use. I have continued to read many other books (including “The Verbally Abusive Relationship, Expanded Third Edition”) and talking with my counselor. I am widening my circle of connections-including with my father on a weekly basis (which was never allowed) and texting with my mother (which was frowned upon).  I am setting better boundaries. And, the rages and attacks and threats grow (just as the books and counselors say).

In my reading and pondering,I have realized that of the four significant women in my life, three of them have these traits (my mother, 1st wife, and my 2nd/current wife).  Anyone see a pattern?

I still have periods of going back into my fantasy world and pretending that we have a real relationship. During those times my hopes for a great relationship return, only to be dashed into pieces. The more I learn and then recognize the patterns, the less I enable the behaviors and protect not only myself, but my children. Two of them have left the nest. One will be going next year. That will leave two beautiful daughters (the youngest age 11) here at home. It took me 48 years to finally get a grasp of what is going on. And while I do not know what the future will bring with my marriage, I am learning how to help and teach and show my children that what they grew up with is NOT normal!  And to help them find a different type of relationship, one not involving “power over” another.  But, one of “self power,” with each individual in the relationship adding to the other and creating a whole greater than the original individuals (synergy).

I have a lot of questions and few answers. I appreciate the opportunity this forum brings. A place to let off steam and realize that others can empathize. A place where we can learn from and support each other. Thank you

I wrote this yesterday so that I could proof read it today. I was feeling hopeful yesterday. And today the BPD dance began again.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Radcliff]

You've made a lot of progress.  Broadening your support network and reconnecting with your parents is one of the better things you've done -- good move on that.  So many of us try to go it alone, and that is not a winning strategy.

Do things run hot all the time, or in cycles?  Is there a regular rhythm?  Are there calm periods in the relationship?  Happy periods?

RC

[Harri]

Hi Bhb!  I want to join Radcliff in saying

I'm glad you found us.  You will get support and help navigating your way through this so I hope you settle in.   

You asked if others notice a pattern in relationships like this and I will say yes, many of us do.  We tend to go with what is familiar, and on some level, comfortable even if it is not necessarily healthy or happy. 

I hope you settle in and keep reading and posting.  Jumping into other threads will help you as well as we learn a lot by supporting others.

Again, welcome.