Borderline ex has me confused

[Anakin]

She had one outburst once it was bad I couldn’t even get in a word.  Again days went by I kept texting she finally replied and said she was sorry that I didn’t deserve that.  Said she felt like she needed to say something and that she’s not ok but she’s getting there.  Oh if she replies I’ll stay neutral if it’s nasty it’ll be like I said In respect your decision and be ok.  If it’s good it’ll be a quick I’m here if you need me hope you’re ok.  If there was a way to know you’ve been discarded I’d love to hear it from someone.  So if anyone as input on that I’d appreciate that.  I’d like to send this message within the next two weeks.  I’d thought about just saying something on her birthday in November.  If she hates me though god that hurts even just to say.  If she does though I’d hate to ruin her bday.  I’ll just message myself happy bday to her if the message is an epic fail.  Again anyone with information on DISCARDING and how you’d know I’m all ears. 

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[once removed]

hi Anakin,

theres a lot of context missing from this situation. it will help us advise you.

how long ago did the two of you breakup? what led to the breakup? what were the primary sources of conflict in your relationship?

it sounds like contact since the breakup has involved rehashing the things that led up to it. do i have that right?

[Anakin]

I guess you could say that’s right ya she was distancing herself I was trying to figure out why.  I didn’t understand how you could go from talking everyday to basically nothing for a month.  I sent a message saying if she doesn’t want to be together I can respect that but I still love her.  Doesn’t mean she has to feel the same.  Me apparently saying how I felt was wrong according to her, her saying she was afraid of me and been afraid of me made no sense.  Only time I heard her say something like that was at the way beginning when she said she’s scared of me being successful of getting her to fall for me.  So hearing that was shocking.  Said I’m not as great as I think, yet she was the one that always said how amazing I was.  It’s like everything was the complete opposite of what it was. 

[once removed]

I didn’t understand how you could go from talking everyday to basically nothing for a month.

this was the breakup? the two of you just didnt speak for a month?

what happened before that?

her saying she was afraid of me

did she say why?

[Anakin]

Pretty much yep.  Nope she didn’t say why said anything else I’ll do to hurt her she’ll deal with when it happens  I said I was lost I asked her no reply got to the YOURE crazy my reply nothing. 

[Anakin]

Reminder to myself when the message is sent either way it goes be strong.  Read as much as you can learn as much as you can.  Most important learn to walk away if need be.  Accept the fact you’ll have to love her from a distance.  Also remember it’s not her fault as well as isn’t my own.  I know I’ll blame me for not being stronger for her or perhaps paying attention a lil better.  Sorry for this post but I feel good today with a little more clarity and which ever way this goes.  I’d like a reminder that life goes on there are good days ahead. 

[Anakin]

Some time has gone by since we last spoke.  I’m not happy with the last thing I said to you.  I was caught off guard.  I’d like to apologize for that.  I was just trying to understand that’s all Mel.  I’ll take blame & apologize for the last thing I said to you I’M SORRY.  I’m also SORRY that sometimes I didn’t listen to you better with things.  I know you were trying really hard with everything & I truly appreciate that.   If you don’t want me in your life at all I’ll respect your decision.   I’ve ALWAYS wanted what was BEST FOR YOU & Wanted YOU to be HAPPY or as you would say be OK.   If me completely out of your life means you’re HAPPY & OK I’ll do that.  I NEVER wanted to or want to hurt you EVER.   I wanted just the opposite for you.  Which is why I always tried to reassure you on that & that I wasn’t going anywhere.  I’ve  looked back at things said & came across a time when you said “Jeff you caring so much hurts me I’m backwards like that”.   I understand now.  I figured reassurance in love & me not going anywhere could negate that hurt you said it caused, sadly I was wrong.  I heard a song the other day.  After hearing it I thought about us And felt I should apologize for the last time we spoke & communication mishaps I guess you could say.   PLEASE ALWAYS BE OK and remember YOU MATTER!  I NEVER would have left unless YOU ASKED me too.  I’ll respect your decision when it comes to that, but I’ll never ignore you if you need me.    This was the final message I sent her.  I got no reply which sticks but maybe she needs a few days idk.  I’ll always love her and hope she’s ok but I’ll have to move on with my life.  If anyone has any comments about my final message I’d love to hear them.  Anyone suffering from this illness stay strong don’t ever give up.  Anyone on a relationship with someone suffering this illness stay just as strong for yourself as well as for them.  Thanks to everyone that replied not only to my post but others I have read.  I’d hug you all it I could thank you

[once removed]

is that something you sent her?

[Anakin]

That’s exactly what I sent her.  Via email and text.  Sent Thursday no reply.  Do you have thoughts on what i said in the message once removed?

[once removed]

often times, less is more.

if what you wanted to say was "im sorry" focus on that.

a lot of it is rehashing issues from the relationship, and she may not be up for that.

thats okay, though. youve left the door open if she wants to get in touch. apologies can help the ice to thaw. she just may not be there yet.