Don't want to abandon him

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

My relationship with uBPD person has gone through many phases in the last 10 years, encompassing practically ever role from couple to mother/close friend. The last 3 years have been pretty good, and he even successfully managed a girlfriend and contact to me as mother figure for a few months. He spent far too much time with me afterwards, but he has no other friends or contacts so I tried to support him as well as possible, though I did often wish I had more time to build up my own life. We did lots of things together, as we have similar interests, and I always tried to get him to go out and meet people. With or without me. He has a lot more life in front of him than I do, so it is important he can cope. I wanted him to feel safe, and told him so. He said I had succeeded in that.
Now he has a girlfriend again, and it seems to be going well. That's fine. Yes, sometimes I felt a bit unhappy about it, but that is something I have to deal with and nothing to do with them. I like her, get on well with her. However, he is devaluing me and ignoring me, practically cutting me out completely. I miss our friendship, and resent his small acts of aggression. She tells me he always talks about me and I am important to him...but it doesn't feel like it to me. She is a polite person and asks him if it would be alright with me before visiting me, etc. Of course it is, but he thought I had made her insecure, and verbally attacked me about it. She thought I would like to spend time alone with him, as she does with her friends...of course I would, but it seems he can't cope.
Well, yes, I can cope, although I miss him, and we all eat together about once a week. That is nice. Yet almost every time there has been something to upset me - he has thrown a book of mine away, used my shirt as a duster - and I am really having difficulty trying to stay pleasant and friendly. I don't want to abandon him, I want to stay in my role with or without seeing him. And that is why I am writing here - I also don't want to use his girlfriend. But sometimes I have to let off steam. He is my family, and I am his too ...he treats his real mother and siblings in a similar way. But they are a long way away.
Thanks for your time.

[foggydew]

My relationship with uBPD person has gone through many phases in the last 10 years, encompassing practically ever role from couple to mother/close friend. The last 3 years have been pretty good, and he even successfully managed a girlfriend and contact to me as mother figure for a few months. He spent far too much time with me afterwards, but he has no other friends or contacts so I tried to support him as well as possible, though I did often wish I had more time to build up my own life. We did lots of things together, as we have similar interests, and I always tried to get him to go out and meet people. With or without me. He has a lot more life in front of him than I do, so it is important he can cope. I wanted him to feel safe, and told him so. He said I had succeeded in that.
Now he has a girlfriend again, and it seems to be going well. That's fine. Yes, sometimes I felt a bit unhappy about it, but that is something I have to deal with and nothing to do with them. I like her, get on well with her. However, he is devaluing me and ignoring me, practically cutting me out completely. I miss our friendship, and resent his small acts of aggression. She tells me he always talks about me and I am important to him...but it doesn't feel like it to me. She is a polite person and asks him if it would be alright with me before visiting me, etc. Of course it is, but he thought I had made her insecure, and verbally attacked me about it. She thought I would like to spend time alone with him, as she does with her friends...of course I would, but it seems he can't cope.
Well, yes, I can cope, although I miss him, and we all eat together about once a week. That is nice. Yet almost every time there has been something to upset me - he has thrown a book of mine away, used my shirt as a duster - and I am really having difficulty trying to stay pleasant and friendly. I don't want to abandon him, I want to stay in my role with or without seeing him. And that is why I am writing here - I also don't want to use his girlfriend. But sometimes I have to let off steam. He is my family, and I am his too ...he treats his real mother and siblings in a similar way. But they are a long way away.
Thanks for your time.

[Notwendy]

This sounds a bit like "empty nest" and also natural changes when a close friend becomes more involved with a romantic interest.

Relationships can change over time. While you have been a mother figure- it may be he's growing up. He's found a girlfriend. He "needs" you less.

If you are like family to him, the "devaluation" can come with that relationship. It's also a natural stage of growth for some adolescents- they are differentiating themselves from a parent. They can act negatively towards that parent, even if they do care for them. This isn't easy on the parent, but it helps to see it as a growth process and not take it personally and not react emotionally.

I have also had guy friends when I was single- buddies, but when they find a romantic interest, this changes. They had less time for me, were more focused on their gf. Yes, I did miss the friendship, but it was a natural transition.

You do not have to tolerate having your possessions damaged. He's an adult. That's a boundary. If he isn't respectful with your things- keep them away from him. He doesn't get to mistreat you. Having a boundary with this is not abandoning him. Neither is letting him grow up- and leave the comfortable "nest" of your relationship. Don't react to this emotionally. If he's ready to fly- he needs to fly. The empty nest is tough- it's uncomfortable- but it's the way nature intended. Our "children" still love us, we are there as a loving parent, but part of parenting is allowing this growth. It isn't abandonment.

[formflier]

he treats his real mother and siblings in a similar way. 

This should be incredibly informative for you.

This likely has little to do with what you actually do and say, and likely has much more to do with him acting out his long held values and relationship patterns.

It may be more productive for us to chat with you about self care when he rejects you or otherwise acts in an insensitive manner.

Best,

FF

[foggydew]

Thanks to you both, FF and Notwendy . Yes, surely some of the situation is to do with normal changes due to a new relationship, and that is ok, though not always easy. Some also comes from the earlier mixed nature of our relationship, and that is also maybe understandable, and not too easy for either of us - neither of us wants the girlfriend to know it, especially as it is no longer true. And Formflier is right - it must be a pattern in his relationships. I used to think it was because he received constant criticism from his family (he did! he became a little boy again in their presence) but I am beginning to understand a bit more. He doesn't keep contact, no matter with whom - this isn't so obvious when they live a long way away, but he has to pass my place every day whenever he comes or goes. I was prepared for a lot less contact, but not the devaluing and aggression.
Reading back on my own diary, I see this happened about 3 years ago too, when he had an on/off relationship with a pretty unpleasant woman, lived a long way away, and they both drank like fishes. He lost his job, had therapy, and I pulled out all stops and got him back here, away from the pretty bad company he had got himself into. And he has been doing so much better since then, though relying too much on me. His behaviour to me has been pretty good since he came back, with occasional disregulation, usually in connection with alcohol. So his recent behaviour was a bit like getting kicked in the stomach - it took my breath away each time, and maybe I couldn't react appropriately, but let myself feel hurt.
Thanks for giving me the opportunity to reflect ... if I feel in control, I can laugh these things off - and this is a good control for him as I have often noticed. Gently poking fun helps with most things - though not with the wild and untrue accusations.
I felt like really breaking off contact before, as I felt much better when I didn't see or hear them. But that is as much an illusion as expecting him to act perfectly towards me.

[formflier]

Reading back on my own diary, I see this happened about 3 years ago too, when he had an on/off relationship with a pretty unpleasant woman, lived a long way away, and they both drank like fishes. He lost his job, had therapy, and I pulled out all stops and got him back here, away from the pretty bad company he had got himself into.

Did he ask you for help getting back here?

Does he ask you for help/advice with his other relationships?

Best,

FF

[Gemsforeyes]

May I ask, what do you mean when you say in your original post above that you “don’t want to use his girlfriend.  But sometimes I have to let off steam.”

Can you please explain that statement?

Thank you,
Gemsforeyes

[foggydew]

Yes, FF, I suppose he did ask for help, and I tried to make the transfer as easy as possible ...he was just out of hospital, so it was kind of obvious he needed help to get back to his home.
And yes, he does discuss his relationships with me. He begins it, I don't ask for details more than a normal friendly interest would allow. I also do not give advice.
Gemsfor eyes, thanks for the question. As I had not seen him alone, only in her company, when he did something unpleasant, I told him so and told him of my anger and hurt in her presence. This could have meant she took my side against him - because it really isn't OK to throw people's things away. That would have been using her.
However, since I last wrote, his behaviour towards me has improved on the whole. This makes things a lot easier.