Second entry in about two hours. DD destroyed my life

[Lola B]

My DD20 has destroyed my life. Her emotion dysregulation has been for probably her whole life. I have no idea what motherhood feels like I partnered with men I didn’t love because I needed help. She has ruined my life.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[FaithHopeLove]

LolaB
I know the feeling. None of us imagined parenting would be like this. What happened that is making you feel like your life is destroyed? What would it take to reclaim it?

[Lola B]

I have been grabbed and pushed and she has forced herself in my room. She is now sitting outside my door swearing up a storm about how much she hates me when between episodes she told me she loves me.

She is miserable at school and stressed very much so I’m getting all of it. She is attempting to bait me and draw me out where she will bait me into getting I to her face and then say I’m abusive.

I don’t think this cycle will ever end. She needs to be heavily medicated and maybe put away.

She is still swearing at me and telling me it is all my fault that she’s not happy and thriving. That she would never let her child suffer this way. (She is home although I have paid for housing at school. I just won’t leave my room because it will escalate)

I hoped she would mature out of this. I don’t believe she will.  

This one started because I didn’t sufficiently commiserate with her overreaction to a mandatory 1 credit course.

[FaithHopeLove]

That is horrible. Other than protecting your safety by not letting her into your room what else are you doing or could be doing to take care of yourself?
.

[Lola B]

I’m putting up boundaries like I haven’t done. She threatens suicide a lot and also says she would never do that. I have had her in intensive outpatient programs and inpatient. She lies to get out

I have a two or so year outlook, where I will leave if she doesn’t improve. I dread summers because she will be home full time.

She is unrealistic about everything. And my attempts to broaden her Disney mindset are met with behavior that terrifies me.

[Lola B]

Thanks for asking. I’m reading this site and listening to music with headphones. I already have my night pills in my room, washed my face while she was out getting fast food because she is clinically addicted to it. I made sure I have water and whatever I might need.

I’m caged like an animal to protect myself from her. It is like she gets possessed. Yes

[FaithHopeLove]

Are you in immediate physical danger?

[FaithHopeLove]

What about her behavior terrifies you? Are you safe?

[Lola B]

No. She tired of holding vigil and went to bed. I expect she will act like nothing happened or will apologize and I won’t receive it to her liking

[Lola B]

She corners me while screaming that I’m horrible and abusive.

[FaithHopeLove]

What sort of boundaries have you established with her?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Lola B]

I try language standards, which are impossible to maintain although I do. I’ve tried no hands, but she is escalating to physicality. I’ve tried 10-minute time outs which do nothing and basically consist of me locked in my room with her outside the door berating me.

When she accuses me of such horrible cruelty I start letting honesty leak out, like all my friends and partners run away because she’s so tough. I know that’s wrong but I lose my mind after she is literally spitting vicious things at me and telling me I have no friends or a partner.

I think I need to kick her out and I don’t know how to go about that.

[Blueskyday]

This is so familiar I am sad to say.
My partner died and my dtr made sure she got rid of everyone of the men I dated. I am now 54 and do not have a friend in the world. Every friend was a problem or bad. Every man didnt care for me. Truth be told she didnt want any witnesses to the abuse. Someone I knew called it domestic terrorism.

I got sucked in further for fear of the child born 8 yrs ago..I felt I needed to always be available and there was crisis after crisis all manufactured by my dtr.
Still..she wasn't so mean all of the time as she went on medication. I did succeed in giving the child a stable influence

Now shes off her meds and I have changed.

I threw her out because I was genuinely scared that we would enter into dangerous territory.

There are no easy answers but I do feel you need outside help just for yourself

[FaithHopeLove]

I think I need to kick her out and I don’t know how to go about that.

You have said that a couple of times now. What advantages and disadvantages do you see in kicking her out?

 Like Blue sky I recommend getting help for yourself. Can you do that?

[Harri]

Hi LolaB.

I am concerned about you and your daughter.  As you say this is no way to live.

I read that you are on meds and are followed closely so that is good.  My question is if you are receiving therapy for yourself.  I agree with others that you need support just for you.  Looking at your history, you have experienced abuse as a child, was married to an abusive man, suffered tremendous injuries in a car accident that has had a profound impact on the quality of your life and changed who you are and how you think in very big ways on top of dealing with a daughter with BPD who is threatening and violent on top of everything else that goes along with BPD.

It is a lot to deal with for anyone never mind someone who now has TBI!    So what kind of support do you think would help you and what are you willing to accept?  You have said before that you do not want us to give you phone numbers and resources for DV so it sort of ties my hands.  It also seems to be counterproductive in that I think we all want to help you and see what can be done to improve things for you even if that means having your daughter move out. 

When you have called the police in the past, how has your daughter responded to that?  I know you said it helped a bit.  What do you think about trying again?  Cornering you and trapping you in a room in DV.

I am trying to be supportive and I hope that is coming through in my words to you.  I am concerned and I care.

[FaithHopeLove]

Hi Lola
As you may have gathered, I am also concerned for your safety. This situation with your daughter seems quite volatile and appears to be escalating. I honestly don't know how to help you other than to strongly urge you to take steps to protect yourself. Please take a look at this and see what you think. Safety First It is written from the perspective of one who is in a romantic relationship but a lot also applies to situations like yours where a child has become threatening.

[Lola B]

Thank you friends, for all your empathy, advice, and concern. This is a uniquely challenging situation.

Some have asked if I have care.  I see a therapist twice a month and psychiatrist ever two months. She has a psychiatrist appointment in a few days.

Someone private messaged me a number of a local place. Thank you for that. If I am not reply please forgive me. I’m still figuring out this site, doing it on my phone, and have vision problems from the head injury.

Blessings and strength to all and thank you very much for your thoughts

[FaithHopeLove]

We are all here for you LolaB