In treatment - less rage, but more panic?

[Thayan]

As I've been on this board and reading stories, many of which sound familiar, I recognize how far my dBPDw has come. She still has rages, but when she swears and yells at me in front of the kids for not doing two mutually exclusive things at once immediately, she at least can recognize it and apologize and leave the room. Baby steps I guess.

She also seems to sometimes not rage, but just gets fearful and anxious. This is no cakewalk either. It feels different because it isn't directed at me so much, but is clearly BPD too (she almost said "I hate you don't leave me" today - which is about as classic as it gets from my understanding). My question is more how to handle anxiety-type attacks. When I read about how to help someone with an anxiety attack it is about trying to facilitate a safe place and working with them. If I read it as BPD, then I should be keeping my boundaries in order.

Are these two types of "attacks" things I should try to respond to differently? I seems much easier to draw some boundaries during a rage (fear/hate directed at me) than during a panic (self-directed hate/fear).

This is really hard and it really feels like I am on another planet sometimes.

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[Radcliff]

First, congratulations on the improvements!  That is fantastic news.  It's great to hear that she often does not direct rage at you, even though she is anxious.  Anxiety can be tough, and your support can make a big difference.  Boundaries are to protect you, so as long as you're feeling safe and don't need protection from her behaviors, you can concentrate on leaning in and supporting her through her anxiety.  Does that sound like it makes sense for your situation?  Have you found any things you can do that are most effective at supporting her when she is anxious?

RC

[khibomsis]

I have found calming essential oils really useful to help calm anxiety. Lavender, Ylang ylang, Jasmine are all great. If she is too upset to use them herself you can always apply them to you or get a diffuser and then discreetly be around her. Sneaky but works.
A similar approach is meditation - free and does wonders for the chronic anxiety I inherited from growing up with my BPDmom. Again, it is best if she can be persuaded to do them herself, but if she does not want to co-operate there are many lovely tracks on Youtube. Find one you think is soothing and play it (very quietly) when she starts to dysregulate. Here's one of my favourites: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OBgN849_nOs&t=159s

My adrenaline levels tend to go into overdrive when my partner dysregulates. Unfortunately if a couple is close these things can cross over faster than we think. So I have found it important to be calm myself at these times, deep breathing and thinking of butterflies, flowers and beloved on a good day Seriously though, mood stabilization is important because if we are calm at least we don't make matters worse. 
Hope these simple tricks are of use!