I am at a loss about what to do

[Depression = 72% of members]

I have been involved in a relationship with a woman for the past 5 years. We live 30 miles apart and see each other 2 to 3 days a week. Friday night has always been our date night. We go out dancing to the same place and then come back to my house for the night. We have both always considered our Friday nights together the highlight of our week.

Our relationship has followed the familiar BPD pattern of early love bombing, then a slow introduction of criticism and detachment/reattachment on her part. She has always maintained that she loves me, but she has admitted that she is either 100% into me or 0%, with nothing in between. I know I have strong codependency issues that make me vulnerable to putting up with more than I should. What that means is that I have always done way more for her than she has for me.

Two weeks ago on Friday, the night went as normal until we were coming home. I ended up taking a different route than normal (it's about a 20 mile drive), and she told me that she was afraid that I was taking her someplace where she would be in danger. Now this is completely out of the blue and there has never been a time that she didn't feel safe with me. I would never do anything to harm anyone, let alone the woman I love.

After we got to my home, she made another completely uncharacteristic comment, telling me when I came into the kitchen from the bathroom that I was always "creeping around" in the house. I was absolutely mystified where she was coming from with her comments.

Finally, we were in the bedroom and smoking a little pot, and she told me, "no matter how much pot you give me it isn't going to change the way I feel about you."  This statement blew me away. She had just told me the week before that she loved me and nothing had happened in between. I was totally shell-shocked by her comments and I didn't know what to do. She then told me she wasn't "feeling it" as far as having sex that night and she left to go to the kitchen to make us something to eat. I stayed in the bedroom trying to process what I just heard and decide what I needed to do. I knew if I pressed her she would leave to drive home, and considering she was drinking I didn't want that to happen. So I decided to wait until morning to talk about it. When I walked into the kitchen though, she had already left. She wouldn't answer her phone, but she finally sent me a text that she was home.

The next day, I texted her to ask her what was going on, and she replied that "It didn't feel right and I didn't feel safe. I'm going to be taking a break." I was simply dumbfounded by her saying she didn't feel safe. I have no idea where that came from. I texted her and asked her why she didn't feel safe, and got no response. I sent her an email  the following Monday describing the events of the evening as I have talked about above, and telling her how much I still love her. I have had no response since (12 days now), and I haven't contacted her since. We have had times where we went two or three days without contacting each other after a disagreement, but nothing like this.

I don't know what to do. I still love her and am absolutely devastated by the thought of being without her. I'm 64  years old and have previously been through a 32-year marriage to a diagnosed BPD (a topic for another post maybe). She is 62 and was married for 21 years. I don't know if I should try to contact her, or just continue to stay silent. The lack of closure or knowing is almost literally killing me right now. I am completely at a loss here.

[billyb]

I have been involved in a relationship with a woman for the past 5 years. We live 30 miles apart and see each other 2 to 3 days a week. Friday night has always been our date night. We go out dancing to the same place and then come back to my house for the night. We have both always considered our Friday nights together the highlight of our week.

Our relationship has followed the familiar BPD pattern of early love bombing, then a slow introduction of criticism and detachment/reattachment on her part. She has always maintained that she loves me, but she has admitted that she is either 100% into me or 0%, with nothing in between. I know I have strong codependency issues that make me vulnerable to putting up with more than I should. What that means is that I have always done way more for her than she has for me.

Two weeks ago on Friday, the night went as normal until we were coming home. I ended up taking a different route than normal (it's about a 20 mile drive), and she told me that she was afraid that I was taking her someplace where she would be in danger. Now this is completely out of the blue and there has never been a time that she didn't feel safe with me. I would never do anything to harm anyone, let alone the woman I love.

After we got to my home, she made another completely uncharacteristic comment, telling me when I came into the kitchen from the bathroom that I was always "creeping around" in the house. I was absolutely mystified where she was coming from with her comments.

Finally, we were in the bedroom and smoking a little pot, and she told me, "no matter how much pot you give me it isn't going to change the way I feel about you."  This statement blew me away. She had just told me the week before that she loved me and nothing had happened in between. I was totally shell-shocked by her comments and I didn't know what to do. She then told me she wasn't "feeling it" as far as having sex that night and she left to go to the kitchen to make us something to eat. I stayed in the bedroom trying to process what I just heard and decide what I needed to do. I knew if I pressed her she would leave to drive home, and considering she was drinking I didn't want that to happen. So I decided to wait until morning to talk about it. When I walked into the kitchen though, she had already left. She wouldn't answer her phone, but she finally sent me a text that she was home.

The next day, I texted her to ask her what was going on, and she replied that "It didn't feel right and I didn't feel safe. I'm going to be taking a break." I was simply dumbfounded by her saying she didn't feel safe. I have no idea where that came from. I texted her and asked her why she didn't feel safe, and got no response. I sent her an email  the following Monday describing the events of the evening as I have talked about above, and telling her how much I still love her. I have had no response since (12 days now), and I haven't contacted her since. We have had times where we went two or three days without contacting each other after a disagreement, but nothing like this.

I don't know what to do. I still love her and am absolutely devastated by the thought of being without her. I'm 64  years old and have previously been through a 32-year marriage to a diagnosed BPD (a topic for another post maybe). She is 62 and was married for 21 years. I don't know if I should try to contact her, or just continue to stay silent. The lack of closure or knowing is almost literally killing me right now. I am completely at a loss here.

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[Ozzie101]

Hi there, billyb! Welcome!

That is a frustrating situation and I'm sorry. Relationships involving BPD can be truly baffling.

You've reached out. She hasn't responded. Often, the best thing to do is to just stay silent. Let her come back to baseline and respond (if, in fact, that's what she decides to do). The waiting game can be so painful, I know. But if you push too soon or too much, she's likely to run in the other direction. Unfortunately, closure isn't a given.

In the meantime, it's vital that you practice self-care and build up your own strength. Do you have friends or family you can talk to and spend time with? Hobbies? Things you enjoy doing? You say you've been in a marriage to a pwBPD before. Have you tried therapy for yourself? All these things can be so helpful in making you stronger.

[billyb]

Thank you for responding. I went to a therapist a couple of times after my marriage ended, but that was it. I started seeing my current gf about 6 months after the divorce. I just feel like a fool getting into a relationship with another person with strong narcissitic/borderline traits, but I didn't recognize it until I was in too deep. And since we don't see each other that often, the episodes are not very frequent.

I just am feeling such a strong sense of betrayal as a person. To know that the person you love and trusted is capable of callously inflicting this kind of pain on me is truly devastating. I think it's even worse than my divorce with a much longer partner. I knew it was best to be out of that relationship, so I endured the pain. This new person was also so supportive in helping me get past it.

I really am just torn not knowing what she wants going forward. Are we done or not? I hate the thought of constantly checking my phone for a text that may never come. I was considering just sending a simple text saying something like "do you miss our Friday nights?" We both called our Friday nights sacred, and that's really what they were. The week was always a buildup to that evening, and we almost always had a great time. Our entire social network of friends are also the people we get together with at the nightclub where we go. We are looked at as an inseparable couple and the best dancing pair in the place. People literally applaud sometimes when we finish a dance.

[Ozzie101]

You're not alone, believe me. We have several members here who have gotten out of one BPD relationship only to unwittingly find themselves in another. Or people (like me) with family members with BPD traits who end up married to a pwBPD. It's very common, unfortunately!

I understand your feeling of betrayal and hurt. I've been there. My husband went through a major dysregulation last year and inflicted a lot of verbal and emotional abuse. One of the worst parts of it was having someone I love, who had always professed to love me, inflict so much pain.

Unfortunately, there's not really an answer. At the moment, you can't know what she wants. The silent treatment, ghosting, no contact -- these are all fairly typical in relationships with pwBPD. You can't make her respond. Actually, her silence may be a response in itself. She may just need some time, as she said. I know the waiting game is painful, but that's where you are. You've let her know that you're open. The ball is now in her court.

As I said, in the meantime, the best thing you can do is focus on yourself. Reach out to friends who you feel would be supportive. Find some things to do on your own or with a friend or two that don't have painful memories of her.

It won't be easy or pain-free, but it will get better and you will get stronger. If you feel it might help, talking to a therapist can be a very good idea in helping get through these tough times.

You're not alone!

[billyb]

I wish I had more friends outside those that also go to the nightclub where we go. I am not ready to return there on Friday without her, and I'm not ready to reveal our situation to the friends from there that I would normally feel like I could contact and talk to. I did go to a therapist on Monday, and that was helpful but emotionally draining. It just seems like each day is getting worse rather than better, and I'm not sure how much worse I can endure. Last night was truly hell.

[Ozzie101]

Therapy can be draining, but also very helpful. I'm glad you went.

I can understand not wanting to go to the night club or to let those friends know. But what about acquaintances or hobbies from before the two of you were together?

[billyb]

I do have family that I might be able to talk to about this. I just don't want to burn any bridges for my girlfriend with them, which might happen if I'm honest about what's happening and let them know how hurt I am.

Again thank you for your input and suggestions. They are all good, and I appreciate it.

[Ozzie101]

I've been there with family and I told mine too much -- still dealing with fallout from that -- so you're smart to be careful. What if you just reached out, said you were going through a difficult time and just needed a little support. Or didn't even say you were having trouble, just that you wanted to spend some time together? Choosing family members to lean on/confide in can be tricky and it depends on what they're like. My therapist told me to seek out people who 1) are non-judgmental and 2) can offer support without trying to tell you what to do.