"hurt people, hurt people" - how much of her behavior was caused by me?

[hmf2234]

Hello ladies and gents, once again!

We all have heard the term that "hurt people, hurt other people". My question is, how much of that is our fault?

I will completely admit that I was the "distant" partner. Wasn't very emotional or "lovey dovey" and I definitely didn't go through the initial limerence  stage of a relationship...  you know, the "honey moon" period where you are completely obsessed with the person. I always came off as being aloof and in my own LA LA land, nonchalant and not being bothered by much. This obviously bothered my ex a lot since she needed constant attention and validation, something I clearly wasn't providing. Years of this "lack of supply" made her resentful towards me, and with resentment comes bad treatment. This is by no means is an excuse for her behavior, but looking back at it all, one can come to the conclusion "ok, i get why she started acting the way she did"

Years into the relationship I did get complacent and comfortable, so the lack of effort on my part became even more apparent. I ended becoming pretty toxic myself in any of the arguments we had. I'm guilty of being condescending and talking down to her like a child as if she should know better, especially if it was something I deemed as basic common sense and she didn't see it as such. Near the end she always blamed me for acting the way she did "IT'S YOUR FAULT IM LIKE THIS! YOU MADE ME THIS WAY!"

I know that pwBPD always lay blame on others as thats part of their traits, but in my case she was right . I admit to my short comings, and I can see how all of the above hurt her... so in turn she decided to hurt me. So basically if I was the overly loving and emotional person she wanted me to be, would things have ended up differently?

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[Ozzie101]

I don't know if I'd say something is "our fault." But, we do play a role in the dysfunctional dynamics, as you noted. We didn't cause our loved one to have BPD (or any other disorder) but our own behaviors and attitudes can exacerbate things, as many of us here have learned.

Would things have been different if you'd been more loving and emotional? Maybe. But maybe not. You can't (or shouldn't) force yourself to be someone you're not or to act in a way that's contrary to your nature. But there are things you/we can do to compromise. It's a balance. That said, even those changes don't mean you'll get a different outcome.

[secretgirl]

Hmmm this is an interesting topic because I agree we do play some role in the relationship dynamic but I don’t think giving more attention would’ve changed anything I think of anything it kept her with you longer ...
My ubpdex conditioned me to reply a lot and I gave him SO much affection and attention and eventually he accused me regardless of wanting other men even though most of my time and attention  (besides when I was in school), was focused on him ... so I don’t. Think that would’ve made a difference