Impact to kids

[ConcernedHusband]

Dear all

I am new to this forum and thank you again for all the help and success stories!  It gave me hope and makes me feel there is help out there in the world and at a time when I felt really lonely. 

For reference, please my first post
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=341076.new

I have a question with regards to kids.  We have two kids, aged 6 and 8 and I need help / advice on how to shield the impacts of my BPD wife on the kids.

My wife is a very kind and gentle person with regards to the kids - she plays games, she helps with home work (sometimes) and I am responsible for the discipline. 

My wife has the tendency to accept social event invitations from any / all friends on short notice, week time even if my daughter has a test the next day.  She loves the social life, and these events go above and beyond any family activity - there are a few favourite friends, but she acceptes all invitations regardless of how close this person is to her.  Both of the kids have noticed this behaviour, and asked me: why does mommy always go out?  Of course if this is asked to my wife, she replies: Mommy has to work late

Three things happened in the last few days, and it makes me very very sad, hence this post.

1st My wife is on a business trip this week, Tues - Friday.  My daugther's 8th bday is today, and last week i recommended that we have a pre-bday party dinner on Monday.  My wife had a pre arrange celebration with her friends on Monday, and she refused to change it.  I was branded as the person making her unhappy for asking her to change the event, and a week later she is still upset with me saying: why you always say ugly things to me that make me unhappy (in this case: lets prioritize our daughters birthday).  She did go out on Monday and came back at 1000pm boozed up and unable to focus/give any meaningful attention to the kids (they had the day off on Tuesday hence the late stay up)

2nd.  To counter the impact of her business trip on our daughters birthday, my wife suggested to arrange small get together with my daughters friends on Saturday.  Lunch, and then play time baking a cake, followed by dinner and cake cutting.  My wife invited her friends for the lunch, which ended up in a bench drinking exercise for 4 hours between her and the other 2 mammas - finishing more than a liter of sake between 3 ladies.  My daughter constantly asking: mamma when can we go, and the reply: Mamma is busy!  I eventually took my daughter and friends out to walk around to distract her for 90minutes, but with a heavy load / pain in my heart.

3rd. My wife is supposed to be on a business trip Tuesday to Friday.  She managed to convince 3 of friends to join her, so they can travel and explore, wine and dine (FB and IG pictures confirm).  She managed to convince her boss that she is taking "new clients" along and he is super happy and supportive!  We called my wife on video call this morning, knowing she went out till 1am last night and she looked super hung over at 6am - I know she carries anti hangover tablets in her bag all the time.  The fact that my 8yr old daughter is spending the bday without her mother, and the mother having no understanding of the impact this has, while having a roaring time on a supposedly business trip, breaks my heart!

Note, the 3 groups of friends above are all different friends, not the same group or even same individual.

The pain is not only on the kids, but also on me.  This is not the life / behavior of a mother I hoped for for them.

Any help / guidance / advice on how to shield my kids from these, or maybe I shouldnt shield them would be greatly appreciated!

Thank you again!

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[Harri]

Hi.   

I am not sure you can shield a child from the behaviors of a parent with BPD at least not 100%.  The best thing you can do for them is to demonstrate and teach them tools to identify their emotions and teach them healthy coping skills.  Validation is also vital when listening to your kids if they talk about or ask questions about moms behaviors. 

Kids notice things, a lot more than many adults realize.  They can sense tension, when a parent is sad, etc.   There is no way to shield a kid (or anyone) from that.

Both of the kids have noticed this behaviour, and asked me: why does mommy always go out?

How did you respond when they asked you this?

Let's see how other parents respond here too.  I am not a parent but I am the adult child of a mother who was seriously mentally ill so i can relate and say what not to do.  You may also want to read on the co-parenting board as well.  I know you are married, however some of the tools and strategies the divorced parents and even step parents use are quite helpful and they are experts over there.   

You may want to read:
VALIDATION AND YOUNG CHILDREN for some really good information excerpted from the book I don't have to make everything all better

[ConcernedHusband]

Thanks for the reply. normally I tell the kids mom is working, or mom is with her friends when they ask why she goes out / where is mommy.

[xcpopof2]

Dear ConcernedHusband,

Our kids are 16 and 15, and they noticed a long time ago that mom goes out a lot.  She is also the primary disciplinarian.  I do as much as I can to shield the kids from my pwBPD's lack of participation and her anger.  My son describes my pwBPD as the all seeing eye from Lord of the Rings.  Once the eye is on you it's not good for you. 

My pwBPD coming home drunk (she calls it tipsy) is a challenge.  She will not schedule work on the day after her big nights out so she can sleep it off the next day.  I've been successful getting her to use UBER/LYFT and planning better to avoid getting a DUI.  She more likely to get set off by the kids (she calls it "half-assing" their jobs) when she comes home like this.

My pwBPD's path to her social media happiness includes a very FULL social calendar.  She will fill up the calendar 4-6 months out with social events for her (some include me and I'm not a huge fan of spending my precious downtime out) and there is little to no flexibility with canceling on "friends" for the kids or for me.  She will complain when anyone makes plans with her and cancels for any reason short of a death or serious injury.  To quote her, "I NEVER cancel."  She has 4 different friends circles: school, work, gym, and family (not my side of the family).  She's out a lot and on her phone constantly (texting and social media).  People tell her that she is the most active person they know.  Some are actually jealous of her social life.  As a result, the kids and I are home together a lot.  We do the cooking, shopping, homework, cleaning, laundry, dogs, yard work, errands, and home improvements.

Things I do for the kids:
I keep them in lots of activities: after school sports, clubs, scouts, volunteering etc.  This keeps them out of the house more and building healthy relationships with other kids and adults. 

The kids and I go to the gym together every morning before work and school.  It's our time.  It's a physical outlet and helps build their self confidence in their appearance and ability to be well.

I spend time with the kids in the evenings after work.  We do the chores, homework, dinner, laundry, home improvement projects and yard work etc.  We also play games together (lots of cards and board games).  The kids are pretty darn good at most games.  On the weekends, we play Playstation/Wii together and watch movies. 

I encourage the kids to add their events to the shared calendar in our phones as soon as possible.  I help the kids plan their interactions with their mom to improve the likelihood of success. Tell her what, where and when the event is.  Tell her it is important to you.  Tell her you want her there. Explain the calendar conflict.  Have a plan for transportation with her help and without her help.  Let mom make the decision.  Thank her either way and move on.  Any "push back" from the kids is considered "back talk" by my wife.  I don't make excuses for her not participating in events for the kids and I don't speak poorly about her decisions.  I reinforce our love and in the background, I plan my participation in their events with the assumption that my wife will have her own plans.  The kids going to my wife has helped improve the communication, but it is a double edged sword in the sense that when the kids are frustrated that my wife won't change her plans, she lashes out at them and it's all of a sudden their fault for not putting the event in the calendar earlier.  "If it was important, you would load it earlier." 

I call the kids with a heads up when my pwBPD is headed home.  I added the Find My Phone feature to their devices so they know where she is (they have abused this a few times). 

I typically ensure the kids are in bed long before she gets home knowing that a tiny thing will likely set her off. 

I really encourage a daily routine for the kids and manage with a to-do list.  I ensure that they document requests from my wife so they don't forget.  Something simple like refill the napkins carries a reaction similar to cheating on a test at school from my pwBPD. 

I won't lie for my kids.  If they forget to do something or ignore a request from my wife, it's on them.  I do step in when the punishment is over the top. I will take a lot of the verbal beatings for them when they are unnecessary and/or unfair.  When I take my kids side, which is pretty often, my pwBPD gets even more upset.  At least it's directed at me.  It is a more challenging situation because my son is often my pwBPD's target of choice.  This creates tension between the kids.  It is easier to shield my daughter due to the lower frequency of issues and my son sees this as favoritism and gets him upset with his sister. 

I travel internationally for work.  These are a great break for me, but end up really challenging for the kids without me there.  It's gotten better as the kids have gotten older and learned to better navigate the egg shells at home. 

I block out time on the family calendar for family time.  Every couple of months I try to plan bigger things to do like bike rides, rock climbing, baseball games, laser tag, go karts, etc.  Most often we will play games at the house. I plan date nights with my pwBPD at least 1x per month.  Many times, my pwBPD will take those nights for events she wants to do and we do them together.

I'm still navigating my way though the BPD journey.  Lots of resources available and supportive people on this site. 

All the best to you and your kids.

[Quirk]

Something I have done with ours since long before I knew about the BPD is that when they notice a problem with behavior, I don’t defend, cover, deflect or gaslight.  I affirm what they see and experience.  I believe this is very important for their mental health, to have me be trustworthy in this way.  Now years down the path, they don’t doubt themselves and have confusion about their own perceptions. We have each other as allies for now.  I hope being allowed with me to honestly see the reality also helps them to avoid repeating behaviors in their own adult lives.