Several years ago, as part of an outreach program in my state, I taught a class for high school students that was designed to help them identify (and get help when they saw/experienced) abusive relationships (whether they be friendship, romantic, familial, etc) One important piece of our training emphasized the model known as the "cycle of abuse". (1.Tension building, 2: Incident or “acute violence” (emotional, physical, sexual, etc),
3: Reconciliation/honeymoon, 4: Calm-
for more information https://online.wvstateu.edu/news/criminal-justice/cycle-of-abuse/) This outreach program stressed that understanding the cycle could help in numerous ways, including the fact that it may help people understand (at least in some ways) why a person would remain in an abusive relationship. So far, my experience with the person I am seeing who has BPD has seemed to follow this pattern pretty closely. Things will be wonderful. He is attentive and loving. I am "wonderful", "amazing", and "the best thing that has ever happened [to him]". Then something goes wrong. It's not usually a big thing (at least it doesn't seem like a big thing) but it quickly becomes one. His emotions go haywire. He has to get away from me. Communication shuts down and he goes from wanting to see me all the time to needing to keep me away so he can calm down. Now, I understand that this is normal for someone who has BPD. I get that drastic, uncontrollable emotional swings occur.
When he comes back, it's usually with an apology and a reassurance that I am wonderful and didn't do anything wrong. At least half of the time though, it comes with a caveat: we can't see each other in person (at least for a while) because it's too emotionally difficult, throws his emotions into a chaotic state (he feels he needs to try to keep calm and "quiet" his mind constantly and seeing me makes him 'feel too much'), and throws him out of his 'neutral state'. I back away, as requested. A while later, he comes back and tells me how much he loves me, misses me, and wants to try to see me again. When we see each other, things go back to the "honeymoon" stage. He can't get enough of me, thinks I'm wonderful, and becomes an incredibly attentive, loving partner...Until...
So I have a few questions. First, is there any way to break this cycle? I realize, of course, that he is not doing this intentionally. If he could, I'm sure he wouldn't put either of us through this - neither of us likes being on an emotional rollercoaster (well, I certainly don't and he's communicated that he hates it so I'm taking him at his word). Is this just something that comes with the territory? Is this cycle destined to repeat time and again or are there ways to combat it in the long-run?
Another question I have is this: How does this cycle differentiate itself from the cycle of abuse? My emotions are feeling just as battered as if I were seeing an abusive person who
didn't have a BPD diagnosis (this statement is based on previous experience at a younger age). I don't feel it in quite the same way or to the same degree because I know he cannot control it, but it still hurts. I still find myself walking on eggshells, not knowing when he might take umbrage with something I've said, or needing to apologize for the fact that my natural response to something sent him into a "rage" (his terminology). Is this normal? Do others experience these same things? If so, how do you cope with them in ways that are healthy? Normally, when I'm feeling steady in my world/life, I can just shrug this stuff off and know that he's having an 'episode' and that we'll need to communicate very clearly when he is ready to talk in order to make sure we're "okay" again. When I'm having my own emotional turmoil though, it's much more difficult to accept that this isn't really about me and I just need to let it ride its course. Does anyone have suggestions?
I'm sorry to write so much so quickly. I'm just really trying to figure out how to navigate my current circumstances. Any and all help/suggestions would be greatly appreciated. Thank you!
