Gave it one more try...and he dumped me this time. I'm devastated...

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

After 8 years total together, with some breakups initiated by me because of his upsetting behavior, he dumped me this time. I had held back after the last big breakup a year and a half ago, but over the past few months had been letting my guard down and thinking again that we could actually have a future together. Then he got upset with me because I snapped at him about something (I had been dealing with depression and anxiety for a couple months and had not had any sleep the night before), and he sent me an email at work dumping me. I feel so blindsided. So rejected and hurt that I can't bear it. I also feel so stupid. He came back to me in June after I'd broken up with him in May, and said he was doing better and he wanted me in his life. So we got back together, and initially things were going well. But gradually, the issues we had, some of my family not accepting him, and my struggling with that, and my insecurity and jealousy, and his refusal to let go of past hurts...just a lot of things, caused friction between us. I was feeling overwhelmed from working full time and going back to school, had started a new job in July that was pretty draining, and I had been dealing with depression and had been drinking too much. His response to that was...disgust. It isn't as if I was a sloppy drunk. I did have two or three drinks to calm down at night. There is more to it, but the end result is that he dumped me. I emailed and texted him trying to understand. He kept talking about six years ago, when I had had an inappropriate friendship with someone and lied to him about it. But we had hashed it all out (or so I thought) and he had stayed with me, and even asked me to come back to him after I broke it off a few times. I had found a counselor and we were trying to work out a time to go. But...I think he found someone else. He denies it but.. Two weeks ago plus 2 days, he made love to me on a Sunday, then hustled me out the door saying he had a lot to do (homework, working on his master's program, etc). Then Tuesday, two days later, he dumped me.
I am heartbroken. I feel like an idiot for allowing myself to be sucked back in. He never was the one to break up before. I can barely function at work. I feel so shattered...again. God, how stupid of me. Now I don't know how to move on. I hurt so much. I hate this feeling. How do I move past it? It's all I can do to get through the days at work. Then on the way home, I cry. Then when I get home, I have a few drinks to numb the hurt. I know I can't keep on this way, but I can't seem to see a way past it. I know it's probably, as I've read, due to childhood issues, but I feel so hurt, so rejected and unloved, so knocked sideways by this unexpected breakup. How do I move on, how do I heal? How do I stop crying all the damned time?

[WindofChange]

After 8 years total together, with some breakups initiated by me because of his upsetting behavior, he dumped me this time. I had held back after the last big breakup a year and a half ago, but over the past few months had been letting my guard down and thinking again that we could actually have a future together. Then he got upset with me because I snapped at him about something (I had been dealing with depression and anxiety for a couple months and had not had any sleep the night before), and he sent me an email at work dumping me. I feel so blindsided. So rejected and hurt that I can't bear it. I also feel so stupid. He came back to me in June after I'd broken up with him in May, and said he was doing better and he wanted me in his life. So we got back together, and initially things were going well. But gradually, the issues we had, some of my family not accepting him, and my struggling with that, and my insecurity and jealousy, and his refusal to let go of past hurts...just a lot of things, caused friction between us. I was feeling overwhelmed from working full time and going back to school, had started a new job in July that was pretty draining, and I had been dealing with depression and had been drinking too much. His response to that was...disgust. It isn't as if I was a sloppy drunk. I did have two or three drinks to calm down at night. There is more to it, but the end result is that he dumped me. I emailed and texted him trying to understand. He kept talking about six years ago, when I had had an inappropriate friendship with someone and lied to him about it. But we had hashed it all out (or so I thought) and he had stayed with me, and even asked me to come back to him after I broke it off a few times. I had found a counselor and we were trying to work out a time to go. But...I think he found someone else. He denies it but.. Two weeks ago plus 2 days, he made love to me on a Sunday, then hustled me out the door saying he had a lot to do (homework, working on his master's program, etc). Then Tuesday, two days later, he dumped me.
I am heartbroken. I feel like an idiot for allowing myself to be sucked back in. He never was the one to break up before. I can barely function at work. I feel so shattered...again. God, how stupid of me. Now I don't know how to move on. I hurt so much. I hate this feeling. How do I move past it? It's all I can do to get through the days at work. Then on the way home, I cry. Then when I get home, I have a few drinks to numb the hurt. I know I can't keep on this way, but I can't seem to see a way past it. I know it's probably, as I've read, due to childhood issues, but I feel so hurt, so rejected and unloved, so knocked sideways by this unexpected breakup. How do I move on, how do I heal? How do I stop crying all the damned time?

[gizmocasci]

Wind I'm so sorry to hear of your loss. This is probably the last thing you're going to want to hear, but it's just going to take time. Grab a pen, grab a journal and write away. Cry you tears out, feel evey feeling that you can. Alcohol is only going to make things worse. I wish I could make the hurt go away, but I can't. We've all been through it, to some degree Just trust the process and know you'll come out the other side of this, stronger and wiser.

Best of luck.

R

[WindofChange]

Thanks for your response, Gizmocasci. I appreciate it. I know logically that it's just going to take time, but this heartache is just unbearable. And it's worse because I allowed it to happen again. For the first two weekends after we broke up, I kept thinking he'd contact me on a Saturday or Sunday to tell me he missed me and wanted to see me. Then when that didn't happen, I was disappointed again, and angry with myself for hoping for that. Hope is just a hard thing to give up on, especially when someone offers promises and appears to be getting better. It's worse this time since he is the one who called it quits. I keep wondering who he's seeing now, because I don't believe him when he says there's no one else. I try to tell myself I am better off and he did me a favor in the long run by ending things. But emotionally I just feel so rejected and that hurts so, so much. I tried so hard...but I guess everyone here has tried hard, to no avail. I am journaling a lot and exercising regularly. Just have to stop drinking to try to numb my feelings. I saw my counselor a week ago and will see her every two weeks to try to work through this and to work on healing my own issues so I don't fall into this trap again. Right now I'm afraid to trust myself in getting involved with anyone ever again. How can I ever trust that I won't get into a bad relationship and get hurt again? I'm in no hurry at all, but at some point in the future I'd like to be able to have a relationship again. I'll never share myself with anyone the way I did with him, though. Borderlines have a way of being so open and sharing, they cause you to let down your guard and allow yourself to be vulnerable with them. Then they've got you. At least that's how it seems to me, and from what I've read, I'm not alone in this experience.

My new mantra regarding him is, "Never Ever Ever Again."

[I Am Redeemed]

I'm so sorry, Wind. I have wondered about you lately and about how things are going with you.

You may logically understand that this is for the best, but it's hard for our hearts to be comforted with logic. Take this one day at a time. Lean on us. Lean on God. Go to therapy, journal, try to rest and eat. I know you know this, but the alcohol is a depressant and is likely making things worse.

Is it possible to bump your therapy up to weekly sessions until you pass through the crisis? Have you considered meds? I have taken anti depressants through some severely difficult times before when I just couldn't seem to focus or make it through the day without struggling. It helped. I don't take them anymore, but I would not be opposed to it again. It seemed to lift me up enough so I could put into practice what my T would suggest to me in terms of self care and stress management.

Keep talking to us, we're here for you.

[WindofChange]

Hi Redeemed, I thought about messaging you when I got back on here. Thanks so much for your response. I actually didn't drink last night. I'm a case manager working with lower income people at a community mental health center, and work with one of my clients in crisis was so absorbing that it took all my concentration. By the time I got home, I was just tired, but for once I didn't feel like crying. I had sworn I would not buy any alcohol so it wouldn't be here when I got home, and I stuck to it. I feel good about that and am hoping I can continue. Like you said, one day at a time.
Maybe you're right, and weekly sessions would be helpful. I'll talk to my T to see what she has available. I have considered talking to my doctor about antidepressants. I'm due for a checkup, but haven't wanted to go because I didn't want blood tests to show that my liver enzymes are up and have to confess to my PCP that I've been drinking regularly. Kind of dumb, but while I can admit it to my T, I don't want to admit to my PCP. But if I can't rally soon, I will talk to her about it.
I've been re-reading a lot of the literature on BPD, to try to understand so I can process it and move on. I do realize that I participated in this interaction, and I can see that my hope and my projections of what I wanted it to be kept me here when logically I saw the faults and the flaws that I knew would not be conducive to a successful marriage. I'm glad we never took that step.
I went back to church on Sunday to a place I hadn't been to for several months, and talked with a woman there about the small groups they're going to be starting soon. I plan to join one and really make an effort to get to know people there and get plugged in. Thanks so much for your words of encouragement, Redeemed. It means a lot.

[I Am Redeemed]

I think a small group would be excellent, WOC!

Support systems after a breakup are absolutely critical. It's easy to want to isolate and wallow in the feelings of grief, and it's okay to feel them and process them. Alcohol only covers them up so they are still there and don't get processed. I totally understand the temptation to do that, to do ANYTHING that stops the pain, but it really only makes things worse.

I would consider telling your PCP about the drinking. They need to know if they are going to prescribe antidepressants, because many of the SSRI's interact with alcohol and are rendered ineffective. You can tell your doctor that you have a therapist and are receiving treatment for the alcohol usage. Usually, if you are already in therapy, a doctor will just advise you of the health risks associated with alcohol and leave it at that.

Hoping and wishing that something could be when it was not reality is a mistake many of us have made. It cost me dearly, but at least I am wiser now. If nothing else, you will get through this with a deeper level of resilience and strength and be able to relate to your clients with a level of empathy that other people may not have.

It gets better. One minute at a time, if you have to. Do you try any mindfulness exercises?

[WindofChange]

Hi Redeemed. I am looking forward to joining a small group. I had that when I was married at our old church and I really enjoyed the time we spent together and the friendships I made then.
If I can't keep from drinking, I will consider telling my PCP. It's been better, although I did have a couple of drinks about three times in the past week. Nothing tonight or last night. I am trying to just sit with the sadness when it comes up, and to let it flow through me and then ebb. The worst of the crying was the first two weeks, every day, multiple times a day, out and out sobbing so hard I could barely breathe a couple of times. But I guess it helped to get it out, because I am crying less now, maybe once a day, usually at night.
He had contacted me over the weekend, emailed to say he was sorry. We ended up communicating a few times, but in the end he got angry about something I said and reacted...typically. I was disappointed but not really surprised. I guess it was a mistake to respond to him and open the lines of communication again. Thankfully we didn't actually see each other, although we had discussed having dinner. It's just a process for me to let go. It's hard to think of starting over. I wanted so much to just be settled. That's a big part of where the sadness comes from. I invested so much time, energy and love into this relationship and now it's just...ending. With nothing to show for it.
I'm sad for him, as he seems worse in the past few months than he was before. I sometimes wonder if something is going on neurologically, as he used to bang his head a lot when really upset, so much that he has a hard lump on his forehead under the skin, calcium buildup, I guess. He's also had several concussions over the years from playing sports. But he resisted my suggestions to see a neurologist. I realize I couldn't make him go. I just pray he gets the help he needs.
 I have learned a lot from him, like how to deal with a person in crisis. That is actually helpful for me in my work now, as I've had a few clients come to see me in crisis, and I've sat with them and listened, and have known how to respond calmly and empathically (while waiting for their therapist to come to see them). I have a client with BPD and I can recognize the manipulative behavior as well.
I've briefly tried mindfulness exercises a couple of times, without much success. I guess I need to practice it consistently to get better at it. What works for you?

[I Am Redeemed]

I just recently started trying it more than just sporadically. I believe it does work, but there needs to be consistency to see real results.

What helps me to feel less stressed immediately are a couple of exercises that involve deep breathing. One is to sit quietly in a comfortable position and start by taking a couple of deep breaths and letting them out with a sigh. Then I just sit and focus on nothing but my breathing in and out. You can keep doing deep breaths or just breathe normally after a while. The idea is to just keep bringing your focus back to nothing but your breath. It helps to train your mind to focus when you need to do things like notice sadness and let it pass.

Another exercise is the body scan. This one takes a little longer but it helps relax my mind as well. Starting with your toes and moving to your face, you take one body part at a time and tighten it for about ten seconds and then release. Focus just on how that one area of your body feels, notice any sensations, and again, if your mind wanders, you simply bring your attention back to that one area of your body. I do toes, knees, thighs, stomach, shoulders, arms, hands, then face. I remind myself that right now, in this moment, all I have to do in the whole world is just think about how my toes feel, or my hands, or whatever.

The last one is the easiest and perhaps the best for stopping unwanted thoughts in their tracks. This one can be done if you are anxious or if you wake up in the middle of the night and can't sleep. It's called the ''3x3 Method". You pick three random objects in your physical environment, name each one and take a deep breath afterward. For instance, you would say (or think) "That is a chair." (Deep breath). "That is a pen." (Deep breath). "That is a table." (Deep breath). If you still feel anxious, keep doing it. The point of this is to focus on something tangible in the present so your thoughts stop running away with you.

I understand the grief of investing such emotional currency in a relationship that does not survive. That fear kept me stuck in an abusive marriage for a long time, because I could not bear the thought that I would be left with nothing after all the effort I put into propping up the relationship. I had to admit in the end that I was fighting for something that was lost all along, and that was extremely bitter to swallow. However, I see it differently now. I see it as an experience that made me more self-aware, blew wide open the doors to my own healing, and facilitated my transformation from someone who was stuck into someone who could truly move forward and then reach back to help others. I found a purpose in my suffering.  I still feel like I am in the middle of my journey, but that's okay. My middle might be someone else's milestone, so I don't discount the power I have now to encourage others who are in similar situations. This experience gave me empathy and tools to connect with others who are struggling and I found that I am much more fulfilled in life by putting effort into trying to help others who actually want help.

Each experience in our lives can teach us something if we are willing to learn. Nothing is a total waste if we are willing to put it to good use with a purpose.

[WindofChange]

Thank you for responding, Redeemed. I have tried the deep breathing thing, tried it earlier tonight, actually. And I've done something similar with different body parts, tensing and then relaxing, starting from my feet and working up, but it's been a few years, so it's worth trying again. I appreciate your sharing.

"I understand the grief of investing such emotional currency in a relationship that does not survive. That fear kept me stuck in an abusive marriage for a long time, because I could not bear the thought that I would be left with nothing after all the effort I put into propping up the relationship."

Yes, that's it, exactly. I put so much effort into trying to make things work between us, trying to make up for my past mistakes with him, trying to help him get better, supporting him through his crises...and all for nothing, in the end. I hate it but I have to accept that this is how it is and work on moving on.
 
"This experience gave me empathy and tools to connect with others who are struggling and I found that I am much more fulfilled in life by putting effort into trying to help those who actually want help."  

I agree with the above completely. I am working with low income people as a case manager, and although I am limited in what I can do to help them, it is so rewarding when I can do some small thing to make a difference. Two people hugged me today after I met with them and thanked me for helping them. That is so rewarding!
I am feeling a little better, the initial pain has dulled some. I still feel sad, but after his behavior to me on Monday when we were going to meet for dinner and then didn't...I realize it's for the best. I am starting to feel that this relationship is something God does not want for me, and maybe not for him either, and that's part of why things happened the way they did. I pray for his healing, and I pray for the strength to let him go and to work on healing my own issues.

[I Am Redeemed]

Sometimes, the greatest gift God can give us is to let us not get what we think we want.

That hurts to hear, and I struggled with it for so long. I wanted a miracle. But what I got was a situation where I NEEDED desperately to cling to God for survival, for the grace to get up every day and move on. As a result of that, I realized just what it means to be close to Him. It was a blessing that I didn't recognize until later.

It does get better, WOC. I'm nearly two years out of the relationship, and over a year of NC. I still feel sad at times for the situation. My stbx is still so low functioning that he can't keep a job for long and is always on the brink of homelessness. He's still having crisis after crisis, and he is still blaming everyone and everything else.

But I can say that my thoughts are no longer overtaken by worry about what will happen to him. I trust him to God, and I move on with my day whenever these thoughts crop up. I have more peace now. It took a lot of time and I certainly didn't notice the progress for a long while, but I am a long way from the desperate creature that could barely hear the phone ring without startling.

You will get there, too. I believe that God will give you the grace to get up each day and move forward in the midst of your trial, and I believe He will give you the grace to rise above it.

[WindofChange]

I'm glad that you are doing so much better now. Your story is encouraging. Thanks for sharing it, and for your words of support and encouragement.