First post

[HigherSelf]

Hello,
I'm finding this all both encouraging and illuminating. I was diagnosed as a teen with PTSD and BPD in New York city around 1981. I had a severe substance abuse problem as a teen. And finally got help in my early twenties. I have spent my life learning about my issues. Developing empathy, setting aside my fear. I've done all the usual things an adult does. Except that for me it came with terrible depression and near total inability to cope. I love my children. And my family and friends today. Empathy is hard. I work at it. I'm in love with someone with all the traits. I know I love her. It isn't addictive or obsessive. We've split many times. Currently living together. As friends, roommates, ex lovers, close friends and confidants. She makes those terms, not me.
I need help with my own issues before I can better show up for hers. I don't want to leave her. I want to trust her, and I do. However, the fear of rejection and the abandonment always makes us both burn it down. She has some other comorbidity issues. It goes all over the range. Along with paranoia and delusional thinking. I want her to get better. I want to continue to heal. I have been standing in her shoes. I have been reestablishing some household goodness. I am working on my responses. I'm aware of my irrational fear. I'm aware of her words and when she's abusive and says hurtful things it's not really what she feels. I know that the violent raging and the flip the switch state where she's not herself is triggered by her stress and her Issues. I work at listening. And hearing. And not interjecting. I understand that I do that. I'm listening to her. She continues to work at it. It's as if we're on the threshold of progress. And we aren't walking away. The thing is, I need space as much as she does. I need support as much as she needs from me. I know she loves me. But she has extreme difficulty with intimacy. I have difficulty being healthy intimately. I need the connection. But we're roommates and I'm supportive. Not lovers. But at the same time we really are, just not intimate. So, there's room for friendship. And trust. And understanding. And empathy. And that's love. Right? I really want to keep healing. I can't keep halting and going backwards and not getting anywhere. My life has been difficult but I've learned. I need help.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Gemsforeyes]

Dear Higherself-

Welcome to our community- our family.  You have insight and understanding that most people do NOT have when they first arrive to this site.

You deserve to stand tall with the progress you’ve made in your journey to understand yourself (and your GF) and your willingness to continue on your healing journey.  I urge you to never, NEVER give up on yourself.  You are an amazingly strong and beautiful soul.  And my friend, sometimes you HAVE to put yourself first.

I just turned 62 and only this last year I confirmed with my T that I have some BPD traits.  It was through intense reading here that I thought “holy s*$t”!   And then I asked my T.  I was afraid to admit what I’d come to understand about myself, my behaviors... because I had NEVER expressed anger outwardly.  And now I understand my past and how certain traumatic events affected me and drove me to enter and stay in a 19-year abusive marriage with a bad man (NPD).

 I found my way here in about May 2017 when I searched the phrase “unprovoked rage in men”.   After being with my uBPDbf (undiagnosed BPD boyfriend) for 3.5 years at that time, I had become so worn down from his rages, his breakups, his “I love you’s” ... I couldn’t understand anything and needed help.  I found it here. 

I’m glad you’re here, Higherself.  Really glad you’re here.  There are wonderful communication tools that can help you when speaking with your GF, and tools to help you not make things worse when conflicts arise.  Please take your time to look through those tools and absorb that information.

For me, learning NOT to JADE (Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain) was the place to begin.  In addition, VALIDATION of her feelings is very important.  But... you want to be careful NOT to validate invalid things.  I’ve used these tools pretty successfully with my BPDbf.

Empathy:  a BIG one, yes.  I believe “relatable” things can be used to teach empathy.  My BPD boyfriend is starting to get this; and I “show” him when he’s upset at dismissive and cold things his NPD mother does and says to him.  And through harsh and dismissive ways politicians may treat people after a horrible hurricane, like in Puerto Rico.  I have to use extreme cases for him to catch on, but he does.  We live in a hurricane prone area, so he CAN relate.

My BPDbf and I have now been together for over 6 years.  We love one another and we have had periods of separation.  We do NOT live together at the moment.  We both need solo time, so I REALLY understand that.

How long have you been together?  Does living apart have to MEAN that you’d be “breaking up” your relationship? 

Are you in therapy?  Have you done DBT?  I’ve just begun reading about it and just started going to the “opposite” emotion... VERY helpful!

Is your GF in therapy?  Is she willing?  Is she at all aware of her diagnosis, traits, honest in admitting her behaviors?

Has she been open with you about her past and what may have caused her traits?  Was there sexual abuse involved when she was younger that you know of?  I’m sorry, I do know...  this is painful... I can say that because of MY past and what happened to me, my BPDbf is the first man EVER to keep me “present” during intimacy.  I don’t disappear.

Was there some trigger that you can pinpoint that caused your relationship to move from lovers to friends?  Was there a conversation?

Are you both living a sober life?

Are there calm periods in your home, in your living arrangement?  Are you able to bring your children to your home?  How old are your children?   How does your GF relate to your children?  How long have you been with your GF?

Sorry for all of the questions, my friend.  PLEASE know, There is NO judgement.  This will help with how we communicate moving forward.

And yes, this is love.  Friendship is love.  Love comes in all colors.  Being able to rely on someone for support, even in small doses can feel like love.  Can BE love.  Love doesn’t have to feel all-consuming.  It’s healthier when it doesn’t.  Another person is NOT our oxygen supply.  At least I don’t think so.  The all-consuming kind is addictive and not so good.

Your Thoughts?  Please keep posting.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[Gemsforeyes]

Dear Higherself-

Here you go.  Hoping you can see this.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes