Friday night venting

[Lola B]

I found this forum to manage the feelings of having a daughter with emotion dysregulation. I am discovering the source of my pain is my parents and I wish this was available 20 years ago.

With some objectivity and no strings attached I can say that my parents were selfish and stingy people.

They shut down the family I developed since leaving their grip when I was badly injured. They were high on the power of controlling my life since I was fiercely independent (from them) for many years. My severe adversity was their gift until it looked like I might need money.

Well, many broken bones, damaged organs, surgeries, and a brain injury later, I have not borrowed a cent, and they haven’t changed at all.

Mom is BPD and I watched her try to kill my dad many times growing up. Dad is an adult child of an alcoholic and so they are married over 60 years.

I have no idea what it might feel like to share a healthy relationship and it’s the one thing I’ve always wanted.

They had their own pain and accepted the cards they were dealt. I accept that. I accept that they didn’t have the resources we have now to make things better. I know I am making mistakes too because I don’t know better.

But I’m hurt and tired of agonizing over this heavy stuff on a Friday night while applying for jobs I’m afraid to drive to because I was nearly killed in a crash.

Mom is the overt cruel one but dad is quietly vicious. They aren’t bad people but this is far beyond the scope of reasonable dysfunction.

[Harri]

Hi Lola.   

I hear you.  The way you describe your parents sounds eerily familiar.  I am sorry you experienced that but glad you are taking a look at the past and trying to learn better ways to cope in the present.

It sounds like things were pretty intense for you.  How do you see your past affecting you today?

[Kwamina]

Hi Lola B

You have definitely been through a lot. I have seen several of your posts on the Parenting board and also your recent other post here on PSI.

Maybe we can take this thread that started out as Friday night venting as you put it, and use it for some Sunday morning/afternoon healing and support

It is very sad that your parents created such a difficult environment for you growing up, and unfortunately are still continuing their dysfunctional ways.

With some objectivity and no strings attached I can say that my parents were selfish and stingy people.

In what ways did your parents' selfishness and stinginess manifest itself?

Mom is BPD and I watched her try to kill my dad many times growing up.

I can imagine this would be quite traumatic to witness and experience as a child. How did your mom try to kill your dad? Are you talking about the cumulative effect of her negative behaviors or about explicit acts of violence with the aim of doing bodily harm to your dad?

They had their own pain and accepted the cards they were dealt. I accept that. I accept that they didn’t have the resources we have now to make things better. I know I am making mistakes too because I don’t know better.
…..
Mom is the overt cruel one but dad is quietly vicious. They aren’t bad people but this is far beyond the scope of reasonable dysfunction.

I think it is good that you are able to distinguish who your parents are from how they behave and treat you. Still, it is clear that their behavior has really impacted you.

What kinds of mistakes do you believe you are making? Indeed, as Harri asks, in what ways is your parents' treatment of you still affecting you today?

Considering the accident you had, I think your current fear of driving is fully understandable. Is this fear and how to manage it, perhaps something you have talked about it with someone before?

The Board Parrot

[Lola B]

reportHi friends,

Thanks for caring enough to comment. I don’t know how to do excerpts so I’ll do my best to answer.

As far as how the past and crash affect me today, I’m seeing the choices I have made to attempt to be safe and how they fell short. I’m also seeing that life truly is unfair. That all the good in your power can’t protect from bad things and sometimes is rains and pours all the time with brief moments of sun, just like Seattle for example versus Arizona. I don’t know why and it is most painful because each person has their own weather system so to speak. So having a Seattle sky next to a California friend is going to hurt and there is nothing wrong with that.

It may not be “right” but I compare my hardship to people suffering genocide in Africa and many other places in 2019(!) and I accept that I’m not in control and whatever the reason is that life is so unfair is simply beyond my pay grade.

I see my parents as stingy and greedy because my mother is terrified of running out of money and my father is tight but can’t bear to listen to my mothers nagging and tantrums so he cares for her in all ways like a parent manages a spoiled borderline child.

Regarding violence during childhood, I saw or woke up to my mother trying to strangle my dad in his sleep, chasing with knives, push him down the stairs. One time mom had to go to the ER because the knife slide when she hit a wall next to my dad and she cut her hand.

I married my mother in the form of a Harvard lawyer and had a child. I divorced and was viscously abused legally, financially, and verbally so badly I desperately sought protection again. I married a former undercover agent a few years later and he turned out to be my father.

I have been running scared for 40 years. I’ve made decisions to try to save myself, found only misery, and had bad fortune. Don’t get me wrong, life is still something to embrace. I have lots of beauty and goodness as well. But in a circle of friends who complain about dry cleaning being late, I tire more quickly and easily of those people.

As far as mistakes I’m making now, I’m finally realizing that I have been scrambling to achieve a “normal” that is not accessible to me. I will not compare to friends who have balanced lives without severe mental health issues. The truth is one can have pain in many aspects of their life, the neighbor can have a loving faithful spouse and a valedictorian son, and another can be a widower who recently started drinking out of loneliness. As all kinds of Knick knacks say, it is what it is. Which by the way is another way of describing acceptance of what the present hands you.

As much work and therapy as I have done, I am only now saying out loud that I watched or woke up to the screams of nearly deadly violence. Put those actions in the split level home of a middle class family on the food side of a working class town with a family that looks normal. It’s the stuff of a famous novel. There is currently no ending. I kept trying to make a happy ending, you know, like we get on TV. It turns out the people who write those shows want happy endings or know their scripts won’t sell ad spots if they have reality type of endings.

[Kwamina]

Hi Lola B

It is clear that you've hade your struggles. You have experienced and witnessed some very difficult things. As you heal and try to move on, acceptance is indeed important, yet I also realize how hard acceptance can be. I am happy to hear you express that life still is something to embrace and that you do have lots of beauty and goodness in your life as well Could you share some of the beauty and goodness you currently have in your life? What are the things that you are most thankful for and/or that give you the most joy?

Regarding violence during childhood, I saw or woke up to my mother trying to strangle my dad in his sleep, chasing with knives, push him down the stairs. One time mom had to go to the ER because the knife slide when she hit a wall next to my dad and she cut her hand.
….
As much work and therapy as I have done, I am only now saying out loud that I watched or woke up to the screams of nearly deadly violence.

This is some very disturbing behavior your mother exhibited. What did your dad do when your mom acted this way?

How does it make you feel now as an adult, saying out loud (for the first time) these horrible events that you witnessed as a child? How did it make you feel as a child witnessing these things?

I married my mother in the form of a Harvard lawyer and had a child. I divorced and was viscously abused legally, financially, and verbally so badly I desperately sought protection again. I married a former undercover agent a few years later and he turned out to be my father.

Many of our members have shared similar accounts of how they ended up in adult relationships and marriages which basically recreated the chaos and dysfunction from their family of origin. Not necessarily because they liked it, but often more because this was all they were used to. In a way, chaos and dysfunction was their 'normal' and often even without fully realizing it, they ended up seeking out that same chaotic and dysfunctional energy in other people in their adult lives. Once we know better, we can do better though. I see your posting here about your experiences and owning of your own struggles, as a positive step forward as you enter new stages of healing and growth

Our healing paths can be painful at times. We cannot change what we don't/can't acknowledge though, so I see you acknowledging your struggles and your own role in them, as a very hopeful sign