How would you respond to this?...

[kma79]

I have a couple questions about how to respond to my BPD mother. She texts me many times every day. There will always be several days of lighthearted/somewhat positive texting which is fine, but it will always go back to her texting something very negative or alarming. I'd be really grateful to hear how other people might respond to these texts...

1. She every so often texts really negative/abusive comments about my in-laws or husband. They really don't deserve it, and it brings me down to hear the comments. How should I respond to these texts without bringing on an attack directed at me? Because that has happened a lot in the past. If I try to defend someone, she turns the attack on me.

2. About once a month, she will text me that she worries about my safety. I have never given her any reason to doubt my choices or lifestyle. She knows I am very conservative and make healthy/reasonable choices. I am definitely at fault for tip-toeing around trying to please her. I usually respond to her that I am fine and she doesn't have to worry. I feel patronized and hurt by the accusation that I couldn't possibly be doing well out on my own. Btw, I am in my 40's and happily married with kids:) Also, we talk on the phone a lot, and she knows I am doing well. How do I respond to these texts that suggest that she doesn't think I'm safe? I want to stand up for myself and my choices, but it doesn't usually go well if I try to do that.

Any suggestions for those 2 situations?

Thanks so much!

[Harri]

Hi!

I have a couple of questions for you. 

When she does turn the attack around on you, how do you respond?  How long does she stay angry and upset for? 

Regarding her concern about your safety, can you depersonalize this a bit?  Rather than see it as a commentary on your life style choices, which are sound, see it as a function of her anxiety and fear.  I imagine it is annoying to be on the receiving end of this, I do get it.  I am just wondering if changing the way you look at it will help and perhaps shape your response to it.

Thoughts?

[pursuingJoy]

kma79, I went back and read your previous posts to catch up on your story.  

It sounds like you're at a place where you're looking to set some boundaries with your mom? If so, take a look at this resource. I go back to it now and again because it's layered: https://bpdfamily.com/content/setting-boundaries

She every so often texts really negative/abusive comments about my in-laws or husband. They really don't deserve it, and it brings me down to hear the comments. How should I respond to these texts without bringing on an attack directed at me? Because that has happened a lot in the past. If I try to defend someone, she turns the attack on me.

Harri asked some great questions. We can only control the way we respond, and we can learn to respond in a way that diffuses, or at least attempts to.

Depending on the situation, sometimes simply responding opens the door for dialogue. If she starts texting critiques of your H or in-laws, how do you feel about not responding?

I feel patronized and hurt by the accusation that I couldn't possibly be doing well out on my own.

It sounds like you have a stable life, have a family, are managing responsibilities well. A healthy mom would be happy and proud to see her daughter doing well.

I'm sorry it hurts your feelings, but like Harri suggested, I'm guessing her response has to do with her anxiety and fear. Are you familiar with infantilization? This definitely plays out in my H and MIL's relationship - she seems most comfortable when he is dependent on her. His independence feels threatening to her.

What do you think?

pj

[Blueskyday]

I am on the opposite side to you as its my child who does to me what your Mom does to you but..we walk the same path.

I would respond with ( in your own words of course). "What specifically are you worried about with regards my safety?"

"I appreciate you are not a fan of my in laws but when I read how you feel it leaves me conflicted. I respect you feel that way but I feel differently"

" Can we talk about something else?"

"Not everyone can see eye to eye but we are family and need to get along"

" I love my husband and people can't see him through my eyes. ( subtle nod to the fact she thinks hes no good) What we have makes me happy and secure"

Open questions and non specific statatements will protect you from being accused of having made a statement which is accusing her

[kma79]

Thanks for the responses! It is a good idea to look at her safety concerns as a product of her anxiety or fear. I do think my independence has always been threatening to her. She started being more abusive when I moved out to go to college and ever since then. I think I will try what Blueskyday recommended and ask her what she is specifically worried about when it comes to my safety. I usually just try to tell her that I am ok and she doesn't have to worry about me, but I will try this new idea. The open ended questions are also a good idea.

When she has turned the attack on me, I know I have been defensive in the past, and that is probably not the best way to go. I never say anything abusive back to her, but just try to defend myself or whoever she is attacking. She usually stays angry for a few days and then acts like nothing ever happened. Theres never an apology for her abuse. It is hard to just stay calm when someone is saying terrible things about you or your family. Something that has worked for me is to repeat what she is accusing me of. One of the last things that happened is that she accused my brother and I of causing her to have a nervous breakdown when we were children. She said that we must have been going out and bad-mouthing her to everyone in town! We were just kids and would never have done anything like that. When she accused us of that, I repeated to her what her accusations were, and that seemed to cause her to think about what she was doing. It doesn't always work.

In the past, when I didn't respond to her abusive comments, she threatened to call the police to check on me since I wasn't responding. This happened a few times. She has insulting, accusing things to say about absolutely everyone...all our family, her minister, her doctors, etc. I guess I just have to learn how to diffuse the situation and try not to get defensive. If I say "I love my husband, and we are happy with our life," (in response to insulting comments) that type of statement seems to make her angrier. It's tricky, but I'd like to find out the best way to keep things peaceful.     

[Blueskyday]

I can see it now how saying you love him may be interpreted as I love him not you.

I guess we have to find the individual triggers as we go. Its so hard and such a shame . My 30yr old daughter hooks up with strangers on Tinder, has never had a relationship. What you have sounds exactly what I had hoped she would have.

I have found being direct and to matter of fact stops me being drawn in so emotionally..Of course we are open then to being called cold and unfeeling..

You pick your poison

[formflier]

So, it appears that not responding at all is not a good option, based on how she escalates (wellness visits..etc etc)

I'm wondering if you can write out some options for a response that lets her know you are there (not well or bad..just you are there) and "adds no fuel to the fire".

I'm wondering if responding with validating questions would soothe things.  See link below.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=273415.0

What do you think?

Best,

FF

[kma79]

Thanks formflier for the link to the validating questions! That is definitely helpful. I am going to try the validating questions the next time the alarming texts start to come in to keep things from escalating.

I so much relate to what you wrote Blueskyday! If I am matter of fact and try not to emotionally respond, she says that I don't love her or asks me why everyone hates her. Then, I have to try to make her feel better. It's a no win! I agree with "you pick your poison." I can't let my emotions get involved too much or too little, or I am not a good daughter. It's so hard to find what works, but then again, what works doesn't work for long. It feels like a constant struggle that I don't always want to be dealing with.

Thanks so much for the responses! I feel so much less alone hearing from others in similar circumstances.

[formflier]

Perhaps this visual will help you.

So when I visualize this I think in military terms (retired Naval Aviator).  From time to time your pwBPD comes "right at you" (frontal assault) with a lot of built up energy.

Your job is to preserve as much of your energy as possible, while not taking damage...and not attacking back.

Two things for you.

1. Slightly deflect the attack so the full force goes off in another direction. (imagine a bullet that ricochets instead of penetrates.
2. Toughen up your armor...just a bit.

Sometimes just "moving out of the way" by an inch or two is all the difference you need. Not much energy expended at all.

Then...you have all your energy left over to enjoy life.

Those validating questions can sometimes be enough to shift things and inch or two.  Now her energy is pointed somewhere else.

Note:  Nothing about this is "standing up" for your choices.  "Standing up" usually means "presenting a target"...and it sounds like your pwBPD is pretty good at hitting targets.

So...do you want to do some "she said/I said" practice.  Maybe pick a recent time she "came after you".

You could lay out what was actually said and then maybe take your best shot at how/where in the conversation you could "deflect" it with your new strategy.

Best,

FF

[Blueskyday]

Wow FF..amazing

[kma79]

Sorry, I didn't check back at my post in a couple of days. Thank you so much formflier! That is an awesome way to to look at it! And you are totally right that "standing up" for my choices has been presenting a target to her. That is such a smart observation.

I've been doing a lot of reading about bpd lately, including Stop Walking on Eggshells. I'm getting some really good info from you all on here and the reading.