My ex was an angel compared to his ex

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Hello all,
I've been in a relationship with my partner for many years and I've witnessed him struggle with managing his BPD ex-wife due to his fear of her behavior and it's effects on his children. It's so frustrating for me to watch from the sidelines while she makes insane accusations and displays totally erratic behavior causing him to try to calm her down and give her what she demands. He has been to counseling, read so many books and articles, and yet has been unable to follow their advisement of disengagement and no contact. I feel that I have been very patient over the years but have gotten to the point where I am unsure if I want to tolerate it any longer. I'm hoping to get support and advice of my own from this site so thank you in advance for all your help!

[aivy]

Hello all,
I've been in a relationship with my partner for many years and I've witnessed him struggle with managing his BPD ex-wife due to his fear of her behavior and it's effects on his children. It's so frustrating for me to watch from the sidelines while she makes insane accusations and displays totally erratic behavior causing him to try to calm her down and give her what she demands. He has been to counseling, read so many books and articles, and yet has been unable to follow their advisement of disengagement and no contact. I feel that I have been very patient over the years but have gotten to the point where I am unsure if I want to tolerate it any longer. I'm hoping to get support and advice of my own from this site so thank you in advance for all your help!

[GaGrl]

Welcome, aivy! We're glad you found your way to us. 

There are definitely others on this board who deal with the dynamics of a spouse's ex who has BPD. I am one, and I'm sure others will chime in.

Can you tell us some of the specifics of your situation? How long have you and your spouse been together? Do you have children? Does he have children with his ex? What are their ages?I

People with BPD can be disruptive in different ways. How is your spouse's ex being most disruptive to your household and relationship? Is the ex diagnosed formally? Is the ex in therapy?

My husband's ex is undiagnosed BPD and NPD. She was very disruptive early in our marriage and after as if she still had a priority relationship with him. My husband had a CPTSD situation after their long-term marriage, which took several years for him to realize and emerge from. We had to agree on certain boundaries and had to hold those boundaries in the face of her bad behavior. Not easy...and we had no minor children in the mix.

[livednlearned]

Joining Gagrl in welcoming you  

Being on the sidelines is so hard. What kinds of demands is he giving into?

He's caught in a tough place but giving into her demands only emboldens her (you probably see that ...). To him, he probably thinks "I can deal with this issue and it will die down, then I can rest up until the next time it happens" not realizing that more effort spent upfront is better if the goal is to dial down the long term nuttery.

Do you have boundaries or limits that you've communicated to him? How do you frame them and how does he respond?

I had to stop focusing on what my H was doing/not doing and start figuring out what I had actual control over, and then work from there. The hardest part was allowing there to be tension between us, but it got easier to see that these dust-ups were kind of necessary (and temporary). In our relationship, it's more his daughter (23) that I have issues with, but his ex is also BPD. The age of the kids makes it a little easier when it comes to dealing with her.

What happens when you disagree with your partner's actions when it comes to BPDx?

[ForeverDad]

GaGrl and LivednLearned posed insightful questions and thoughts.  Collectively we've "been there, done that".  Here we have an immense store of practical ideas, perspectives, insight, suggestions, strategies and communication skills.  That's in addition to our personal replies.

I'm not in your exact situation but I did have a friend in the past who was reluctant to start a relationship with me because she knew my ex would try to be a third wheel in a marriage.  Years later, I'm still single.

Does your partner understand how deeply this issue is impacting your relationship, that you're close or on the brink of giving up on it?  Or does he appease the demanding ex and figure you'll understand?