Should I tell a teenager about her BPD mother?

[Leftygolf1973]

Hi There,

I am 3 very tough days out of a relationship with my Ex who suffers from BPD. She is unaware of her diagnosis as her doctor felt her eating disorder treatment would be impacted. I have known for over a year and have seen and heard many many crazy making behaviours and comments. All of them have greatly impacted my health and the health of my ex’s girls age 11 and 15. With me out of the house I am concerned for the girls and struggle with whether or not the teen should know about her mom’s struggles. She is certainly aware that something is not “normal” but struggles to understand really what is going on. She is incredibly intelligent and mature for her age and so I wonder about telling her about her mom. Thoughts?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Longterm]

Hi there Leftygolf1973 and welcome.

  With me out of the house I am concerned for the girls and struggle with whether or not the teen should know about her mom’s struggles. She is certainly aware that something is not “normal” but struggles to understand really what is going on. She is incredibly intelligent and mature for her age and so I wonder about telling her about her mom. Thoughts?

The kids will see and understand something is very wrong and will make up their own minds as how best to interact with their mother. I have not directly told my kids my ex is PD but they have told me they believe she is. They have done their own homework and done their own digging into what they believe to be the problem. I tend to focus more on how they feel and encourage them to help themselves in dealing with their problems whilst I play a supportive role.

How are you dealing with the breakup? Are you implementing self care?

Why dont you tell us about the issues you have faced?

It's good to talk.

LT.

[Cat Familiar]

I know that you're ending a relationship, but since you two have children together, I'm moving your post to the Bettering board. There you will learn helpful strategies that will make things calmer as you unwind your relationship.

[pursuingJoy]

Leftggolf1973, Longterm's advice is really sound. I divorced when my daughters were 5, 3 and 1, they're now 19, 16 and 14.

From the beginning, I received two pieces of advice, both valid:

1. It would backfire to talk negatively to my girls about their PD dad
2. Always glossing over PD dad's issues would leave the girls with the wrong impression about healthy/normal

I've been pretty successful in letting them bring concerns to me, then talking through it. I ask how it makes them feel, let them know I believe them, encourage them to trust their intuition, and ask how they think he should have handled it, or how they would have handled it differently. When appropriate, I affirm that I had the same experience with him, and I talk through what I learned. When and if it crosses into a physical safety issue, I take a more direct approach with him.

This approach encourages independent thinking, autonomy, and emotional awareness. They learn to trust their intuition and what they see, and they learn that the way they feel matters, all things they're going to need as they grow up and relate to their PD father. Two of my girls have also been in therapy which has helped.

From a different angle, regarding divulging the probable diagnosis:

I am married to a man who is enmeshed with his BPD mother. The MC advised against talking to him about BPD. He isn't ready to receive the weight of this information. At its core, BPD is about relating, so we simply talk about values, boundaries and better communication. Honestly it's been frustrating not to bring up BPD.  I also trust the MC, and I don't regret it because I see genuine progress.

Each situation is unique. You have a few important dynamics to consider, and I trust that you'll make the right choice for your daughter. Let us know your thoughts and where you're at with self-care!

pj

[Longterm]

I ask how it makes them feel  let them know I believe them, encourage them to trust their intuition, and ask how they think he should have handled it, or how they would have handled it differently. When appropriate, I affirm that I had the same experience with him, and I talk through what I learned. 

This is really good and has helped me strengthen the relationships with my kids. I didnt realise that I was missing little bits in my conversations with them that would greatly increase their receptiveness and openness to their feelings.

These little tools could greatly help you Leftygolf1973. There are many tools you could learn here if you continue your relationship with either your ex or her daughters.

LT.