New here... Want to support boyfriend with BPD

[cforn]

Hi, I am new here and have no idea how this actually works.  I have been with my boyfriend for about a year and a half now.  He told me about having BPD and DID about 3 months ago and I want to do everything I can to support him and make our relationship last.  I have every single book from the library mentioning BPD on hold and have read some of them already, which is how I found out about this site and welcome to oz (still trying to figure that out too).

Since finding out about his BPD and DID diagnoses, I have been more sympathetic to his emotions and more understanding of where he is coming from and his point of view.  I honestly wish I had known sooner and I wouldn't have said and done some of the things I had in the past. 

The main reason I want to reach out is because I am having a hard time having a life outside of him.  He travels about 90% of the time with his new job so he is rarely home and he does not have time to make his weekly appointments with his therapist, but I would love her opinion on this topic.  When I can visit him on weekends away, I will drive the 5 hours to see him, but sometimes that is just not possible.  For example, I had plans with friends on a Saturday night and was unable to go visit him and he had an extremely hard time with this.  The week before, I could see the difference in his mood.  He could not understand why I would choose to go out with my friends (the plans had been set for 2 months) rather than come see him.  After his mood got very dark and he talked of suicide did I tell him I would come up for Friday night but that I had to get back for plans on Saturday night.  Unfortunately, his plane was delayed getting in and it didn't work out that I could make it up.  I then spent the entire rest of the weekend calling him with no answer wondering if he had committed suicide.  He finally came home and said we needed to break up because I didn't think he was important enough. 

Fast-forward and we are still together and everything was great while he was home for the holiday.   But now he is away at work and I again have something planned on a Saturday with friends and I cannot spend the weekend with him.  I did tell him I would drive the 8 hour round trip to spend Friday night and Saturday morning with him, but I can tell he is already starting to have a hard time with the fact that I will have to leave because in his mind, I am choosing friends, over him.  This is what I need advice on.  I do not know how to handle these situations.  I know it is healthy to have friendships outside a relationship, but I want to know that my boyfriend won’t commit suicide because I chose to spend a night with friends rather than him.  The distance is what amplifies the situation.  It would be so much easier to say, “ok, I’m headed out with friends, see you in 2 hours,” but with him in another state that is not feasible.  I am just looking for advice on how to support him when I am not there and make sure he is safe and feels loved/important when I do things with friends and not him.  Thank you. 

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.