BPD Behavior?

[strugglingBF]

I am newer to this board, and I apologize for the number of posts.  I guess I struggle with what point I officially attribute my GF as borderline.  I guess a couples therapist that turned into my personal therapist immediately switching our sessions to how to deal with someone with BPD after my GF stopped going isn't enough for me.  Some of you will probably think, "duh, take the hint".  Maybe I am in denial because I don't want it to be so.  I keep thinking of previous events that severely didn't sit well with me, but if you are around this person enough you start telling yourself "that is just [insert name].  

My GF and I took my kids (13 and 11) to a waterpark that also has some rollercoasters.  We typically spend most of our time in the waterpark because my kids have not grown to like roller coasters yet.  They have both tried them and I would say my daugter (11) seems to like them more than my son (13).  During the first hour at the waterpark my GF decides to make my kids go on rollercoasters.  There was a sudden switch in her mood and she, in typical BPD fashion, threw out an ultimatum because my son in particular was resisting and didn't want to ride roller coasters that day.  She basically said she wasn't going to participate in the rest of the waterpark part of the day if my son doesn't ride a roller coaster.  Like a child in a store that wants a toy, she threw a tantrum in the middle of the water park (she is 46) and refused to interact with any of us until my son agreed to ride a roller coaster.  Both my kids and I were confused.  She kept putting pressure on my son to the point where he started to tear up.  As he teared up there was an immediate shift in my GF and she started tearing up.  She also softened up at this point, but she didn't change her stance.  My son finally gave in and agreed to ride a rollercoaster because both my kids love it when my GF interacts with them.  Their mother is kind of a conservative downer type and doesn't like to mix it up with them.  She would never take them and ride water rides with them.  So they appreciate that about my GF.  The day went on, we had fun at the waterpark, and my son rode a roller coaster reluctantly.  But that entire interaction and the way my GF acted blew me away.  That is now how a 46 year old should act.  And you never know when it is coming.  Then, once my GF gets her way she moves on like nothing happened while the rest of us move on cautiously in a wake of confusion.  Everyone had fun the rest of the day, a lot of it actually.  I wonder sometimes if my kids are getting used to the way dad's GF is and learning to move on quicker than I who contemplates things much more deeply.

Does this sound like borderline behavior?  

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[Gemsforeyes]

Dear strugglingBF-

I’m sorry you and your dear children found yourselves in this confusing and painful situation where your BPDgf put her childish “needs” above those of your kids.  I lived with a bullying NPD/BPD exH for 19 years and did all I could to shield my stepkids from him and his selfish demands.  It’s not easy.

Yes, my opinion is that she exhibited a “trait” of some sort.  A  selfish and bullying trait that as a dad and primary caregiver, you’d like to lay down a hard line against with her.  Yes.  She is more than welcome to come out to share joyous days with you and the kids.  No.  She may NEVER bully your children or use emotional blackmail into doing things that they do NOT want to do.  Kids are permitted to have boundaries.

Our boundaries reflect our values.  No one is too young to learn about boundaries, and what they are and are NOT comfortable with.  Please think about this, my friend... these are your children.  They’re not always within your sight.

And boundaries are KEY to having relationships with pwBPD (people with BPD).  Through what we let “slide”, we let them know what’s okay and what’s not.

I don’t intend to be harsh, I hope this doesn’t come across this way; but these precious kids didn’t ask for disorder and adult tantrums to enter their lives.  The woman needs to be “educated” about how she may or may not treat your babies.  Out of earshot of the kids, of course.  And this can be done in a very validating way... about how much the kids love spending time with her, etc...  but...

Sadly, what I could do for my kids, I couldn’t do for myself.  But I’m now really trying to do it with my BPDbf (now that I finally, finally know...)

Make sense?  Please keep posting.  You want to keep your children close with you.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[Rev]

I keep thinking of previous events that severely didn't sit well with me, but if you are around this person enough you start telling yourself "that is just [insert name].  

There was a sudden switch in her mood and she, in typical BPD fashion, threw out an ultimatum because my son in particular was resisting and didn't want to ride roller coasters that day.  She basically said she wasn't going to participate in the rest of the waterpark part of the day if my son doesn't ride a roller coaster.

I was in a similar situation - I know that are to remain neutral and not offer advice to stay or go.  Ask yourself tho - your children - do they not deserve to be protected from an outside voice like this? Would you tolerate it from anybody else that you are close to?

To my mind - this is a most serious boundary breach will only get worse.  Please let those words sink in. They are not meant to hurt you but rather to land in the midst of your heart where you love your children.  One of the more insidious traits of BPD is isolating us from our loved ones. Mine exBPD wife asked me to literally choose between she and my daughter when she was in a fit of rage - and never apologized. I am not saying that this will inevitably happen to you - and I would not wish that upon anyone - but it goes to show you that these things can get out of hand in a real way. When confronted, she denied it. Does this sound familiar?  If it sounds difficult. I still get a pit in my stomach when I remember that night.

Keep posting as gems says - you are in a tough spot - until you find your footing.  Thoughts, prayers and a bear hug your way.

Rev

[strugglingBF]

Thanks REV!  My BPgf  always denies most of her unacceptable actions, and she RARELY apologizes for anything.  I think I have gotten a genuine apology for her nasty behavior/words a handful of times in the past 5 years.  She will either refuse to admit to her actions or straight up tell me she will not apologize.  I have a tendency to be a combative person when confronted with anything, so the combination of BP and my demeanor probably have not helped my situation (no excuses for her BP behavior).  I am going to really give a concentrated effort on being a better listener and supporter of her initial conflict.  Try to make her feel heard and cared about.  I have consistently failed at this, and I need to do my part.  If I still get the same results regardless, I will have to re-evaluate.  The incident at the waterpark I'm not sure could have been avoided, although I did tell her immediately she is acting like a child and I pretty much scolded her like one in public.  That, of course, just made her dig in harder.  Don't think that was the best way to handle her.  I can be very protective of myself and my kids having dated her for the past 5 years. 

[Rev]

I am going to really give a concentrated effort on being a better listener and supporter of her initial conflict.  Try to make her feel heard and cared about.  I have consistently failed at this, and I need to do my part.  If I still get the same results regardless, I will have to re-evaluate. 

Have you ever sought out any professional advice - survey a course - spoken to a community worker - a pastor - a therapist - with up front knowledge about these things?  Sometimes it helps to get a sense of what "re-evaluate" might look like - see the forest from the trees type of thing.

Just a thought.

Rev