How pwBPD cope with death, or the concept of death

[PeteWitsend]

Hi all,

This is kind of a morbid topic, but I was curious about whether anyone else ever experienced this, because something I read recently reminded me of how my BPDxw would bring up the topic of death, and the bizarre fixation she had on dying before me - and implicit hope that I'd die first, or we'd die together - that would really creep me out.

My BPDxw would often say she "knew" she would die before me, and claimed this upset her.  She was bothered by the idea that I might outlive her, or get to live without her, or something. 

She once showed me this video of some really dark humor from the internet, where a woman asks her husband for a divorce, and he agrees on the spot, & signs over all his assets to her.  Then she says she still regrets that another woman will get him, because he's such a good man... so to placate her, he takes out a pistol and blows his brains out. 

my XW thought this was hilarious... I was honestly, kind of horrified, even though I understood it was intended to be humorous.  yikes.

Another time, we were talking about cremation vs. burial for some reason, and I said when I died I wanted to be cremated and have my ashes scattered in a particular place.  This upset her, because she said we needed to be buried together so we'd be with eachother forever.  She didn't get the whole "til death do you part" thing, I guess. 

Did anyone else ever have morbid conversations like this, or witness how a pwBPD approached death, or handled a terminal illness diagnosis? 

[2Loyal2Long]

Hey buddy,

I’m new to the site but, yes, this resonates with me although the conversations have never been had.  Here’s my two cents:

Abandonment Fear.

Plain and simple.

Due to my codependency and upbringing I’ve had exposure to a number of uBPD’s.  The guy I dated before my uBPDh (we’re separated and he’s in the punishment phase of stonewalling me currently) was BPD to the core.  He (politely) kicked me to the curb because our relationship was going extremely well and he couldn’t handle the fear (unfounded to me) that I’d ultimately abandon him so he did the abandoning to maintain control over his pain.  He was fine as long as he knew I was still available.  As soon as I started dating my current uBPDh he wigged out.  When he found out we were engaged he hit the proverbial borderline rage because I was officially off the market.

Even after I married he’d find excuses to contact me and I believe he was hoping to find a crack in my marital foundation (the cracks were there but I wasn’t about to inform him).

When my mother died he wrote a condolence card and gave it my husband to give to me.  I called him to thank him for his thoughts and prayers.  He was a complete mess.

His mother had died and his father was dying of Alzheimer’s.  I tried to offer kind support and he was basically having a nervous breakdown on the other end of the phone.

A month later his father died.  He lost both parents within six months.  All his support systems were gone, he had no one.

Two years went by and, boom, here comes contact.  He wanted to make an amends to me (he was an alcoholic in recovery).  I agreed to meet for coffee (he used AA’s 9th step to make the same amends over and over again).

We meet for coffee.  He tells me he combined alcohol and pain pills and nearly died a year after his father died.  It was probably a suicide attempt diagnosed as an accidental overdose.  He’d been diagnosed with Latent Onset Paranoid Schizophrenia.  Ummm, no, try BPD.  His behavior during and after our relationship was equivalent to a spiteful, angry, vindictive toddler.  He was terrified of engulfment and afraid of abandonment at the same time.  His mother talked to me a lot during our relationship and clued me in on his deep insecurities.  His father was a controlling ogre and his mother never weened him off of her.

And, as expected, he attempted to find a crack in my marriage under the guise of an amends.

That was 11 1/2 years ago, he’s former military so the VA takes care of him now.  I haven’t heard from him since.  It was a sad loss of a human being who was so broken from abuse and an innate sensitivity.

It’s sad for my uBPDh as well:  He has a  narcissistic father who, at age 94, walked out on his 88 yr old codependent-most-likely-uBPD mother.  My mother-in-law made sure that once my husband married me he’d never leave her, my husband is her surrogate spouse.  My husband’s parents even stalked him when he first moved in with me.  I was in too deep and didn’t have the knowledge then that I have now.  Both of his parents have infantilized him and controlled him his entire life.  That’s how they keep him from leaving them.  It’s so sad, for me as well (but I have my own healing to do).

My husband’s nephew had stated he couldn’t go on if anything ever happened to his (2nd) wife.  He was her 2nd husband.  He made good on his threat.  Trigger warning:

No one knows what happened but he ended her life and then committed suicide.  His little daughter from his first marriage was in the home at the time and found them, deceased.  His wife was two weeks away from giving birth.  Some suspected she had overdosed (she had a drug addiction from what I’ve heard) and he supposedly made it look like he ended her life so she wouldn’t be shamed in death.  So, of course, he ended his own life.  That was the version my husband’s family told themselves to accept the tragedy.  The coroner’s report found differently.  I tend to believe the coroner.

Like I said, these conversations have never been had but I’ve seen the effects of the damage an abandoned BPD can cause.

On a final note, everything my husband has attempted to project onto me is something he has done or has yet to do.  He was afraid I’d cheat:  he celebrated our engagement 72 hours after proposing by having sex with another woman, he went MIA for several days.  I only forgave him because I thought it took courage to be that honest and he never did it again (trust me, I know).  I wish I’d known more about BPD and codependency back then.  He was afraid I’d quit working and he’d have to be the sole provider:  he abandoned his job while I was away on a business trip.  He was afraid I’d abandon him and leave him:  guess who ran home to his parents?  Lastly, he said if he was dying I’d probably throw myself in the way of the doctors and not let him have peace in death:  note to self, go MIA before I die.

Well, there you have it.  Long and full of details but I’m guessing your ex’s fear of abandonment and need to control access to you could easily trigger that type of conversation.  My husband has told me to go kill myself during a toxic rage so I’m guessing he does have the ability to commit suicide so, if history repeats itself, I’m guessing the death of his parents will be the end of him.  He’s on SSDI for bipolar (ummm, no, it’s uBPD.  I’ve lived the nightmare, I know).

Meanwhile, I have a terrific therapist who unofficially let me know his behavior is indicative of BPD with NPD traits, the therapist let me draw my own conclusion so as not to be accused of diagnosing someone she hadn’t evaluated (she’s highly ethical).  I have a great Alanon sponsor and a wonderful spiritual advisor who has a family member with dBPD.  I’m finally getting the support I need.  And I do pray for my husband but I’m not certain I want to try any longer.  The last 16 years have taken a toll on my health and the outlook for him is not promising.  My therapist said only when he faces a major crisis of astronomical proportions will he possibly have the motivation to help himself.  He’s seeing a therapist but after meeting together with her and him I spotted his manipulation with her.  She bought in.  And she doesn’t see parental enmeshment.  Seriously?

You’re not alone, not by any means.  Just watch your back and stay safe.  Moving on can wreak havoc in a BPD’s life.  Look at what happened with my previous boyfriend.

Great topic, hang in there!

[PeteWitsend]

thanks, 2Loyal2Long.

those are some scary stories.  i have heard that men w/BPD tend to be more physical in their actions.

my XW was never physically abusive; all verbal.  although she would slam doors, stomp her feet, and things like that, I don't think she would take the step to commit a violent act. but her comments around death, and fear of dying before me creeped me out enough to be wary of whether a terminal illness diagnoses or something like that would be enough to push her over the edge.

Thankful I'm out of that relationship and won't ever have to find out!