Dating- Feeling Emotional and Confused about Realistic Expectations

[Maggie17]

I have been dating my boyfriend almost a year, I am 30 and he is 33. I read the success stories and felt optimistic and then read the "What Does it Take to Be in a Relationship" article and am now feeling overwhelmed. While I know I won't just find a simple answer, I could really use some advice and feedback from others familiar with BPD. I have also been calling around to find a therapist for myself (takes a while around here). I don't want to be unrealistic in my expectations for dating and a future relationship. This will likely be a fairly long post (sorry!) but I feel I should include some background.  He does not know that I know he has BPD and I only recently found out… but I’ll get to that. We also don’t live together but live 5 mins away from each other.

We started dating in January and he first broke up with me around April because he had started binge drinking which he later attributed to anxiety. In May he went to detox for a week and truly seemed to have a changed and optimistic perspective so our relationship continued. He was on anxiety medication for a month but let it run out… then he started binge drinking again in July again attributing it to coping with unmanageable panic attacks. I ended up calling an ambulance fearing for his safety and he stayed in the hospital a few days to detox. Again he left with anxiety meds and a great new perspective but also stopped the meds after the month. The cycle started again in October, ended up in detox and with a month prescription again but let it run out after the month and it seems the cycle may have started again. Once during the binge drinking he mumbled something about personality disorder but I didn’t question it… instead starting reading up on it. He is also mean and uncaring during these cycles but I had previously contributed it to the drinking. I now understand it’s likely his BPD being amplified by the drinking and he is left with strong guilt. He was very frustrated and angry with me last week for what seemed like no reason and I was taking it personally really questing myself for staying with someone who spoke to me that way, it really felt like our relationship was unimportant to him. So I read more about BPD and found this website/group. I now wonder if that was his coping mechanism and I think I may have made things worse by admitting that I question our relationship. I haven’t spoken to him in a few days and if the drinking has started again that will be another issue however he appears to be going to work still. I am giving him space… I texted to tell him that I care about him and that we can talk when he is ready. I think I’ve also overwhelmed him by talking about marriage and kids. At my age, I really am hoping a relationship could progress at a steady rate, get married, buy a house, and have kids. So that leads to my main question and need for information. Is that an unrealistic expectation of someone with BPD? When he is doing well he is amazing, communicates well, and I wouldn’t think that he has BPD. Is it possible or likely that with proper therapy and medication he could live a life unaffected by BPD? I read about recovery and I’ve read that some end up being cleared of the diagnosis after years of therapy. I also realize that this is not my decision and that he would have to want to take steps for treatment.  I just don’t want to be unrealistic and unfair to him with my hopes for the future. I also struggle with the thought of ending things because he has some mental health challenges, I love him and would want to support him in a happy life.  But selfishly, I also don’t know that I should sign up to be his “emotional caretaker” as the article said. I am dating hoping to be able to start a family and if he wasn’t able to “recover” then that seems daunting and unfair to expect him to be capable of. Is it likely that he would struggle to parent and take out his frustrations on kids? I know how horrible, naive, and likely selfish this sounds but it’s also devastating to him when I have hopes and expectations that he can’t fill. I don’t know if it’s unhealthy or if it’s very possible that we could have a loving, caring and long lasting relationship. I know I need to work on myself too and now realize that some of my prior actions were not helpful. I guess I don’t really know what to ask but I would really appreciate any feedback or sharing of your experiences. I don’t even know what “recover” really means.  Thank you!

*Edited to add an important question*
When my boyfriend reaches out that he is ready to talk, I intended on letting him know that he once mumbled that he has BPD. I planned on stating that I love him and want to understand what BPD means for him. Could you please offer suggestions for how I should start or handle this conversation? I think it's important if we hope to move forward. 

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[once removed]

hi Maggie17, and

i came to this site after my relationship had ended. i still had hopes for reconciliation. i had a lot of the same questions.

theyre good, important questions. these are relationships that you should go into with eyes wide open. know the pros and cons. know what success looks like to you personally, and what the likelihood of it is based on you both as individuals, and on your relationship.

for starters, substance abuse adds a really difficult dynamic to an already challenging relationship. people with bpd traits do not have adult life/relationship skills. it may be one of the most significant challenges of your relationship. for example, if he were in therapy, it would be the primary focus - it exacerbates any maladaptive personality traits. overcoming that will be a tall order. the tools will help you. they will not lead him, necessarily, to recovering from it.

When my boyfriend reaches out that he is ready to talk, I intended on letting him know that he once mumbled that he has BPD.

i would strongly suggest against bringing this up when he reaches out, or any time soon. bpd is a shame based disorder; it has a lot of stigma surrounding it. it means a lot that he mentioned it to you; it means that there was a level of trust. in the current circumstances, trust is diminished.

there is a good chance that he would connect it to the fact that you told him you were questioning the relationship. while it may feel like what would be a well intentioned statement of support, im not sure thats how it would be received, right now.

hang onto what you know. the fact that youve found a support group (i know of no better place), and are searching for a therapist for yourself, are two of the best possible things you can do for yourself. in terms of shifting your relationship into a healthier trajectory, play the long game. learn what youre up against. honestly assess if youre up for it. learn the tools here. work out a plan with your therapist; bring it here for input from other members.

in the short term though, its a good strategy to give him space. you dont want to over pursue or chase if hes retreating.

if you want to reconcile, giving him a smooth landing is likeliest to go over best. what does that mean? do a lot of listening (https://bpdfamily.com/content/listen-with-empathy). let him blow off steam. get a sense for where hes at before you say your piece. when you know those things, youll be in a stronger, more confident position as far as going forward.

[Maggie17]

i would strongly suggest against bringing this up when he reaches out, or any time soon. bpd is a shame based disorder; it has a lot of stigma surrounding it. it means a lot that he mentioned it to you; it means that there was a level of trust. in the current circumstances, trust is diminished.

Thank you so much for responding. This is a good point. We had been arguing and I didn’t understand why he was so frustrated with me and I was taking it personally. At this time I was not thinking of BPD and had learned very little about it. I had said that if we continued to argue and weren’t able to settle things that I didn’t know how we would be able to have a future relationship. I think I basically summarized that if we aren’t happy and enjoying each other’s company, as he did not seem to be, that maybe this relationship wasn’t working anymore and maybe we need to be realistic about it. Again, at this time not realizing with BPD he was likely feeling abandoned. It really didn’t feel like he wanted our relationship and had been angry and disrespectful so it’s hard to think he may have actually been sensitive and scared. I think the holidays are a very stressful and overwhelming time for him as he feels obligated to see family and not disappoint. However, this overwhelm comes out as unhappy and frustrated. On the flip side, I look at the holidays as a happy time of year full of family, friends, and lots of traditions/activities. Looking back this may be too much for him. When our Thanksgiving didn’t go so great, I had some emotional difficulty with that and know it’s something I need to work on. 

in the short term though, its a good strategy to give him space. you dont want to over pursue or chase if hes retreating.

I keep reading conflicting things about this. Sometimes I read that people with BPD need to be reassured often that they’re cared for and other times I read that they need space. 

if you want to reconcile, giving him a smooth landing is likeliest to go over best. what does that mean? do a lot of listening (https://bpdfamily.com/content/listen-with-empathy). let him blow off steam. get a sense for where hes at before you say your piece. when you know those things, youll be in a stronger, more confident position as far as going forward

I truthfully do not know if I want to reconcile, but thank you for this advice. I truthfully do enjoy listening to his thoughts. I very much want what our relationship is when it’s good but I now realize I need to be realistic about how BPD would likely always affect our relationship. I also need it to be healthy for both of us, and right now I don’t think it’s healthy for him either. Something I know I need to work on is my need to “fix” things and know that they’re going to be okay. Logically I know there is no magical or definite answer but the in between and unknown is difficult for me. 

If he reaches out I will refrain from telling him I know about BPD but I do feel the need to establish some expectations because I cannot jump back into the relationship knowing nothing was addressed and that this will happen again…. Likely around Christmas. I know this sounds selfish but the pattern was not good for either of us. He had started seeing a therapist so I think he may be open to that. Do you think it would be okay to approach this saying that I set an appointment with a therapist and need to address my own emotions and reactions? Can I tell him that if we want to continue our relationship I think we both need to seek therapy… or does this still come across as shame?

[once removed]

Do you think it would be okay to approach this saying that I set an appointment with a therapist and need to address my own emotions and reactions? Can I tell him that if we want to continue our relationship I think we both need to seek therapy… or does this still come across as shame?

it depends on a lot.

it would come across as heavy. as in, "weve been broken up for some time. getting back together would entail a lot of work".

what it depends upon is your sense for whether hes up for that. if you want to reach out to a therapist (worthwhile) on your own, there isnt necessarily a need to mention that, specifically.

has he reached out? any update?

[Maggie17]

Hello. Thanks for following up. Yes, his family's Christmas party was Saturday night so we attended that together. It was almost an hour drive so we chatted the whole way but I didn't want that time to be a heavy talk. He mentioned on his own that he had taken the week to get out of the house and try to make some friends since he's new to the area. He also brought back up how he didn't really like his therapist. They had only met twice and the second time she said something along the lines of you seem to be doing great and questioned if he needed therapy. She asked how things were going and let him leave after 15 mins. SO FRUSTRATING. He made mention that he thinks she should have worked a bit harder to try to get him to open up, I know he didn't tell her about BPD. He said he felt like he knew more than she did and I suggested that he meet with a psychiatrist instead since he seems very interested in how the brain works. I also suggested maybe he would be more comfortable talking to a man but he responded that he thinks he would prefer a woman because he is very sensitive and sometimes feels embarrassed to talk to a man about it. He also talked about how he's really been trying to figure himself out. I think he would be very interested in meeting with the right person and I've been reading great things about DBT. The trouble is that he works a lot and he doesn't seem to be very willing to compromise work. For now, I have decided not to bring up anything about BPD but I have been more aware of what I say and how I say it. I want to be sure to gain his trust and be compassionate. I think it's best to get through the holidays first, from what I've been seeing the holidays can be very stressful and overwhelming... I'd rather not add to it.  When he is doing well he doesn't really seem to have many symptoms, but I suppose it's possible he hides them well. I also wonder how much treatment he received as a child/teen. He seems to cope well most of the time and I think coping mechanisms he's learned were likely before DBT became the main tool as it seems that treatment really began sometime around 2012. I think it could be so helpful for him.

Another thing I've been wondering though, is that he also seems to really enjoy and almost need his alone time. This seems so contradicting to much of what you read about BPD being dependent and "clingy". There is time to figure that all out, in the meantime I'm just going to enjoy his company and try not to overthink things or have expectations. I'm sure I will learn more about him along the way now that I know what I'm listening for. I'm thankful he shares how he's feeling with me. Looking back, it's kind of amazing how many times he's described his symptoms to me without saying BPD. If the time seems right, maybe we will be able to talk about it in more depth after the new year.